On Becoming An Old Fart

Don't know how this happened, but I've somehow become one of those annoying people who say things like, "When I was your age" and "When I was a kid" and "By the time you're my age". And as soon as those words come out of my mouth, I can't help thinking, "Dear God. Am I really that old?"
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Other signs of old fartage?

Not wanting to go out as much as I used to. You'd need to sandblast me out of the comfort of home in order to go to a party on a Sunday night because Sundays are now early nights for me and I prefer settling in front of the TV to watch Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy after dinner.

TV Addict

My love of TV is bordering on some sort of sickness, I think. I mean, I love it, but not to the extent that I'd run back into a burning house to save my television set. But there'd be some intense mourning if something ever happened to it and I had to wait a couple of days before a new one was delivered to replace it.

Taped "My Name Is Earl" on Tuesday.

So far, I'm liking it.

But then again, I love Jason Lee.

Is it bizzare that I find him sort of attractive?

Of course, I think he's an ass for naming his kid Pilot Inspektor. Like who does that? It's just cruel, when you think about it.

Anyways, on the show, he plays this loser named Earl and he's got this hilarious list of bad deeds he's done that he thinks he needs to atone for if good stuff's ever gonna come his way.

Some of the funnier things on his list:
- got lap dance from Ray Moody's mom and didn't pay her
- snatched a kid's halloween candy when he came to my trailer to trick-or-treat
- i've been wasteful
- wasted electricity
- faked death to break up with girl
- harmed and possibly killed innocent people by second-hand smoke

Carson Daly, of all people, introduces him to the concept of karma and pretty soon, Earl's hooked on the notion that you get what you give.

The show's funny and cute.

But skipping over to another show...

How fucking great was the premier of "Lost" last night? At first, I'm thinking it's a flashback sequence, but then, I'm yelling out (don't worry. There were other people in the room. I wasn't yelling to myself), "Oh my God! This is the inside of the hatch!"

You know how some shows start to falter with each new season? Not "Lost". It opened with a bang and stayed consistently good.

I'm debating whether I should buy the DVD for the first season. I also kinda want to get the first season of "Veronica Mars", which totally kicks ass.

If I were a lesbian, I'd be totally in love with Kirsten Bell.

I'm also looking forward to "Everybody Hates Chris", which debuts tonight. Too bad it's on at the same time as that crappy ass "O.C."

Manic Mondays

I actually made it to work on time-ish.

It's a bad habit of mine, thinking that I have plenty of time, when I don't. And the weird thing is that I get anxious when I think I'm gonna be late for anything that's not work-related. Like, for a date or something.

But now that I'm at work, there's really not much to do because my contract is winding down and pretty soon, I'll be off trying to find something new. And that's the thing I hate the most in this employment cycle I've always found myself in.

I've never had a full-time job with benefits.

In the past, it worked out fine because I always moved on when I got bored.

But now?

Maybe it's a by-product of getting older, but I'd like more stability.

I suppose that's the main reason I would have loved it if things could have worked out with A. The logical part of my brain knows that nothing's going to pan out with him now. Sure, we've met once and have plans to hang out again in a few weeks, but hanging out is not dating.

You know what's horrible?

It's when you see a lot of potential in someone and you can't suppress this sense of hope that bubbles up within you, making you think, "Maybe he's 'the one'" even though I don't know if I even really believe in "the one" anymore.

Another by-product of getting older?

I'm more jaded.

But that could definitely just be me.

I don't want to play games, waiting a few days to write someone or call someone. But at the same time, I feel like I'm completely confused where the dating game is concerned.

Maybe I've just gotten used to feel lonely and that's it.

Breaking Your Eye Open

September18 008
Originally uploaded by Anonymous Writer.

I was at granddad's grave yesterday for bai san.

One of my cousins had brought her kid along and she noticed I'd taken my camera with me and that I was randomly taking pictures of various things that caught my fancy.

I like talking to kids like they're equals, because I think they appreciate it more.

I told her the reason I love taking pictures is because it allows you to look at things from a different perspective. To see something awesome and amazing where you wouldn't normally see it --- or you would, but you'd take it for granted.

Just writing about it now, I realize I sound completely, totally pretentious.

Go West

September18 018
Originally uploaded by Anonymous Writer.

I love taking pictures of children --- mostly because they're so unselfconscious in front of the camea.

I hate getting my picture taken.

Mostly because I know I'm unphotogenic.

I always come across looking really stiff and awkward and it always embarrasses me to look at those pictures.

In this picture, I'm holding my cousin's kid, who's having this moment of pure joy from seeing a car pass by on the street.

I can't even remember what that's like --- to be ridiculously happy over something so totally insignificant.

I wouldn't relive my childhood over again if I had the choice, though.

Life's all about moving forward, I think.

A Tree On The Hill

Original 050
Originally uploaded by Anonymous Writer.

I love this picture that I took at the park on Saturday because it reminds me of that tree from "Six Feet Under", which is my all-time favourite TV show.

It was one of those really pristine, balmy late summer/early autumn days where it's impossible not to feel happy.

I walked around the park for a bit on my own and I didn't feel my usual sense of disconnect, being by myself. I guess that, after awhile, you just learn that you're okay on your own.

I mean, what can you do about it, anyways?

Visiting Gran

Gran2
Originally uploaded by Anonymous Writer.

I remember this one "Six Feet Under" episode where David finds Claire in her room, examining this book of pictures and she explains to him that her assignment is to break her eye open --- to view things in a different way.

I liked that notion --- mostly because I've been stuck with this notion that I take really crap pictures compared to Sister 2.

I don't know why it's so important that I become a better photographer.

I suppose it's just another way in which to express myself.

Decided to experiment with black-and-white when I went to visit gran at the nursing home on Saturday.

It was a depressing visit --- mostly because I noticed her feet were all swollen from not getting up to walk around. The nurses use lifts to take her to the washroom and to the bathroom.

She kept complaining she needed to go to the washroom, but the nurses ignored us, telling us she'd already gone.

Sister 3 and I were prepared to take gran ourselves, but mum said not to because it was against the nursing home policy.

Gran looks especially lost in this picture that I took of her. It makes me sad...and a little afraid of getting older, I suppose.

How About When SHE'S Not That Into You?

I know this guy who listens to audio tape of "He's Just Not That Into You."

In that warped brain of his, I'm pretty sure he thinks he's gearing himself up to become the type of guy that all women would want. The only problem with that scheme of his is that it's more than just knowing how to decently treat a woman --- it's also about who you are as a person.

If you're a sad sack with zero confidence with cling-on tendencies, chances are, no woman in their right mind is going to want to be with you, even if you always call when you say you will or you make your intentions clear.

Bombarding someone you've just met with e-mails and mistakenly believing that friendliness equals being best friends forever is not a good way to go about things. Instead of appearing interested, you come off looking scary.

You might actually come off looking like some creepy stalker who just doesn't get it.

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I posted about this problem in another journal and I was pretty annoyed with the male response. Some of them viewed it as a joke and one guy even wrote, "Playing hard to get, are you?"

Another guy reiterated his opinion that I was overreacting and that he really didn't see what the problem was with telling the guy that I wasn't interested --- I didn't want to be friends, I didn't want to be aquaintances, I didn't want to hang out anymore.

This really pissed me off because it made me realize that men just don't get it when it's not someone they care about who's dealing with something like this. It's something that's outside of them that they have no concept of because it doesn't touch their lives. They don't get it because they don't know what it's like to feel fear when someone starts to make you feel really uneasy and uncomfortable and persists in contacting you when you've tried alternately ignoring him and then sending a polite, but dismissive e-mail attempting to indicate that you're just not interested in maintaining contact anymore.

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A friend's boyfriend suggested just ignoring Creepy Stalker Guy from now on.

He'll eventually get the hint, he said.

A friend who's a social worker, mentioned that one of the mistakes victims make with stalkers is attempting to let the person down easy and continuing contact --- even if it's to insist the other person stop writing or calling.

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My mother actually acted like it was my fault, which made me really angry.

How is it my fault if I politely try to discontinue contact with someone who's started to behave like Velcro? How is it my fault that a man doesn't seem to get the fact that no response to a NORMAL person would indicate that the other person isn't interested in any sort of relationship? How is it my fault that this guy seems to be a glutton for punishment and actually calls after an e-mail is sent to basically say, "Piss off"?

It's such a typical Asian mother response.

It makes me so angry.

Like The Blind Leading The Blind

Sometimes, I wish I'd never read that book, "He's Just Not That Into You" because, more often than not, I'll readily dismiss someone and tell myself, "Well, it's obvious he's just not that into me."

I'd rather think this than play the fool and risk getting hurt.

Over the course of this week, I've been told by more than one person that I'm really difficult to get to know. I've even been accused of putting up walls, though I wasn't even aware that this is what I've been doing.

You know what I think my main problem is with this whole dating game? I don't want to be the kind of girl who falls too fast and too hard in the beginning. I've never subscribed to the notion that falling in love is supposed to be this whirlwind romance because how the hell are you supposed to figure out if the person you're with is really "the one" when you're in a whirlwind?

I look at some of my friends and I see how they lose their sense of self and become so wrapped up in the other person that they don't see how poisionous or toxic that relationship is.

I just don't want to make a fool of myself.

I guess that, the by-product of getting older is that it's not really about dating anymore. You're looking to settle down and as casual as you want to play this, at the end of it all, you're still just looking for that one person you're gonna want to share a life with and maybe have some kids with.

There are times, though, that I really worry that maybe I'll mistake something for love when in reality, I'm just settling because this person is a close approximation of everything I've always thought I wanted.

Fake Comments

This pisses me off.

When you get a comment on a post that's not even really about the post.

It's, like, nothing more than an ad for some other site...which I never check out 'cause: A) it's a waste of time and B) if you're incredibly stupid --- which I can be sometimes --- you might wind up downloading some serious shit that you don't want on your computer.

Or maybe that's my overly simplistic, naive way of looking at things --- being completely computer-illiterate and all.

One time, some asshole left me this massive comment that was like a business article about some forestry company.

WTF?

Do people really have nothing better to do with their time than to just leave stupid ass comments like that on blogs that nobody really reads?

Jesus H. Christ.

PMS Diaries 1

Had a discussion with some friends about PMS.

Okay, there's no excuse for bad behaviour, but I'm feeling so seriously bitchy today that I literally want to rip somebody's head off. With my bare hands.

God, I'm so royally depressed today.

A part of me thinks, "Bleed already, damnit."

Sister 2 said a friend of her's has really irregular periods and apparently, a gynecologist told her that this isn't uncommon for Asian women.

Apparently, I'm the only one of my sisters who's regular as clockwork.

You'd think I'd be more prepared for the onslaught of PMS, but it always catches me off guard.

I'll be enraged/depressed for no apparent reason (trying to ignore the voice in my head that screams, "Must fight! MUST FIGHT!") and then I'll look at my calendar and go, "Oh, right."

You do not want to fight with me today. I'm in a serious crab ass mood.

Live Strong, My Ass

You know those wrist thingies that everyone seems to be wearing?

I hate them.

They're like the ribbons we used to wear --- a different colour for every single disease/cause known on the face of the planet.

Creepy Stalker Guy said he had some Live Strong bands that he could give me 'cause I mentioned my sister wanted to get one.

"It's for a great cause," he protested when I made some snarky comment about how everyone has jumped onto the bandwagon and gotten one --- without really knowing what it's all about.

Yeah, well...is it okay if I just give money to cause and not expect anything in return? I don't need a thick yellow rubber band hanging off my wrist to make me feel morally superior to everyone else. I can do that without the rubber band, thanks.

Besides, every fucker seems to be wearing one these days.

And it's more about a fashion statement than about the cause, isn't it? I mean, if we're being really honest here?