LO keeps asking if I'm excited about my upcoming trip -- but then again, she asks if I'm excited about even mundane things like whenever we're going to meet up with the girls...and yeah, I know this makes me sound like a bitch, but I guess y'all have already come to the conclusion that I am a bitch...but, it really makes me wonder about her, sometimes, you know?

Maybe it's just because I'm past that stage of heading out every single weekend, dancing and drinking, that I now find that sort of thing to be...well, boring. And the thing is, I've never really been into that scene, anyway. I mean, sometimes, yeah, it's nice to go out dancing...but not every weekend.

Not sure why, but when I met up with her last weekend for lunch, we got to talking about DS -- I mentioned how I was a little worried because DS seemed depressed.

LO was so flippant about the whole thing and waved it aside saying, "Yeah, but when she complains about her job and everything, she does it with a smile, so it's kind of funny."

That just irritated the fuck out of me.

I smothered the look of incredulity that I knew was forming on my face -- I don't deny that I foster the notion that I'm bad at hiding what I feel, but the reality is, if you're seeing a look of disgust or anger or irritation on my face, it's because I want you to see it. Most of the time, I don't really give a fuck what you might think of me, because the older I'm getting, the less I care about being "sweet" and "nice."

You know what I think? I think "nice" is overrated.

Even though DS works with LO now, I always knew that, when the three of us were working together, both DS and LO felt closest to me. And even now, I think that DS tells me a whole lot more than she tells LO.

Sometimes, we "joke" about the things that make us miserable to keep from falling apart.

I think that if you're finding it hard to get out of bed and you spend every Sunday night dreading the prospect of going back to work, and then shooting off emails that read, "I hate it here" on a daily basis, it's safe to say that you hate your job and that you're not all that happy.

The thing about DS, though, is that she's convinced herself that she's got no choice but to work there until something else comes along.

I guess that's a whole other issue altogether.

Back to LO, though...

Sometimes, I find her naivete and eternal optimism to be depressing.

Maybe it's because former friend, KN, was right: that I'm a pessimist.

When I met up with TB on Friday night after work, she said that she wasn't really sorry about what happened that long weekend the four of us took that mini trip to NY. The funny thing is, I wasn't really sorry, either, though I think I effectively closed the door on my friendship with KN that weekend.

Brutal honesty doesn't have a place in every single friendship...or rather, there are some people who aren't really your friends just because you hang out with them fairly often --- especially if you don't particularly respect them and you catch yourself thinking, "What a loser."

(Yes. For a change, I'm actually sketching in more of my life in a post on this forum. Gather round and see what a horrible human being I am!)

The thing is...I think KN has been waiting to see if I'll call or email to sort of patch things up, but I have no interest in doing so.

I think she's a pathetic flake for only having the guts to dump her loser boyfriend because she had another loser lined up...and you know what the main draw was? This asshole pursued her and this was the first time she'd ever been pursued by a guy.

Let's just ignore the fact that he's a fucking old guy who's married, shall we? And let's also ignore the fact that he never really initiated the desire to separate from his wife. Instead, he drove his wife to ask for a separation by his pathetic way of going on and on about how some other girl he'd met was "so beautiful".

Hmmm...let's see...we have boyfriend #1, who mooched off of her for seven years and whom she was only with because she was deathly afraid of being alone. And now we have potential-boyfriend #2 who is already exhibiting a disgusting display of insecurity by calling her constantly, needing to be reassured that she'll be "there" for him.

Was I overly harsh (according to TS) when I flatly told KN that she was afraid to be alone and that she was being a fool for jumping in with yet another pathetic loser...who should fucking know better at his age???

Okay. Yeah. I'm still angry just thinking about this...and I don't even get why I'm angry. This is her fucking life. I'm totally done with her as a "friend".

I think what pisses me off most of all is that it's become abundantly clear that most of the people in her life don't tell her the truth -- they don't tell her what they really think and they get labelled as being the "good" friends, just because they tell her what she wants to hear. But me? I have the gall and the nerve to tell her, "Don't do this. You deserve better. Have some pride in yourself" and I get labelled as the bitch.

Okay, fine, everybody! I AM A BITCH.

There.

I said it.

I'm a horrible excuse for a human being because I'm judgmental and I was too harsh to my friend.

You know what?

I don't give a shit.

If that's what she thinks, she can just go fuck herself.