Anonymous Rants

Betrayal.

When you've been betrayed, when you've been lied to, when you've been hurt -- more than once and by different people -- it gets kind of hard to trust people afterwards. And the thing is, when it happens more than once, I get to a point where I actually start to wonder, "Is it me?"

If you're the one thing that's constant throughout all of these betrayals, then maybe it's you.

So, being in New York kind of sucked because, instead of really forgetting about work and all the other crud that's been going on in my so-called love life, I thought it'd be a low-key long weekend where I'd just hang out with some of my closest friends.

But then, when your best friend says shit that makes you look bad in front of your other friends -- and by this, I'm talking about flat out telling another person that you've talked shit about them behind their back -- it makes you wonder if that person was your best friend to begin with.

Certain things go in the vault, right -- especially with your best friend?

And is it really talking bad about another person if all you've said is that you don't respect their decisions and that you're not sure if you really want to be that person's friend anymore?

So, the situation is this: I don't really have any respect for people who don't know how to be on their own. Maybe it's because I've had to do this.

I don't have respect for people who are so insecure that they'd jump from one bad relationship to another one just because they're afraid of being alone.

I don't have respect for people who, entering their forties, should have their shit together and who should have stopped behaving like teenagers.

And you know what? I really don't think that there's anything wrong with saying, "I haven't respected this person for a really long time now and I don't want to make any more effort in staying their friend. I'd rather let this person go."

Friendship is a two-way street, after all...so, if I quietly slip away and the other person doesn't notice, then doesn't that show you something, too? That maybe they were too self-absorbed in embroiling themselves in another shitty situation to really notice or care about the fact that you're not in their lives anymore?

And you know what? I'm just really fucking sick and tired of being the friend who's there for everyone. I'm sick of the fact that I'm the one who has to always listen and it's like, I don't feel close enough to the other person to really reveal what's going on in my mind or how conflicted I'm feeling about some of the things that are going on in my life.

I don't know.

Sometimes, I just feel like I'm too old for this shit.

Noticed this guy on the ferry by himself, taking pictures.

I don't know...I used to feel sort of sad for people by themselves, but now I'm starting to realize that maybe they're a lot braver to be able to travel on their own and who sort of say, "Well, I've got no one to travel with, but I'd like to see the world, so I'm gonna go on my own."

It's taken a long time for me to do this, but I've started going out to eat on my own in restaurants -- without a book or work to sort of hide the fact that I'm alone.

When you have things like books or work to keep your head down, it's different from just sitting there by yourself and just eating.

I do wonder sometimes if this is how things are going to be.

And I'm able to wonder about this without the same palpable loneliness throbbing all around me.

So, things didn't work out with J. So what? Some things aren't meant to be. But if I'm honest here, I can't seem to stop thinking about why.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Some pictures: