Sometimes, I sort of wish I had a brother.

Don't get me wrong. I love having sisters --- it's like growing up with your best friends --- but I still sort of wish I had an older brother.

A couple of friends have brothers and they're always talking about how they're not close to their brothers, but I kind of think it really depends on your personality. Me? I'm a talker. It's almost like I can't help it, which kind of sucks, sometimes.

That's one thing I don't really like about myself --- that I'm always laying everything out there (when it comes to my friends...when it comes to dating, I know I tend to close off).

Last night, a friend said that maybe one of the main problems with me and my dating life is that I'm too opinionated and too "strong" --- so, what does that mean? That I should be more of a weak-wristed, co-dependent who needs a man to come along and save me?

I wasn't sure how to take it, because at the same time, she also added, "But don't ever change. You want someone who loves you inside and out."

Don't we all?

---

Song of the day: "Bittersweet Me" by REM
Don't have a stinkin' clue what this song's supposed to be about...but who cares? I'm in a rare REM mood today.

Though...upon deeper reflection, some of the lyrics apply to today:
"I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this...

I don't know what I'm hungering for
I don't know what I want anymore."

Babe Ruth once said, "Never let the fear of striking out get in your way."

I was thinking the other day that somewhere, somehow, I'd changed from being someone who'd take the occassional risk to someone who...well, it's not that I don't take risks anymore. I guess I'm just a whole lot more hesitant and wary when I do.

Who knows? Maybe it's the accumulated disappointments and pain from the past --- you have to admit that it plays a big part in the choices you make later down the road.

But is that even any way to live?

The last couple of weeks were just weird ones...days where I sort of felt stuck and like I was on the road to nowhere fast. And all the while, I have this thought in the back of my head about how life's too fucking short to be afraid of anything and that I should just take a chance...on more things.

Anyways, another thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is this: when do you know to give up on someone, when, in your heart, you still really want to be with them? It's just so bloody difficult when you've started to feel like this is the right person for you and that you could potentially be the right person for him...but that fear of rejection and humiliation just gets in the way and makes you feel like it'd be impossible to put your heart out there again.

But no pain, no gain, right?

Or am I just walking down a road that's going to make me wince and cringe years from now...another addition to the painful, humiliation reel that sometimes plays in my mind?

I just don't want to seem pathetic.

Isn't that the real fear here?

Ever feel like, even though you put yourself out there, trying to make things happen for a change, there are just some things you have no control over? Like you can't make someone like you and you can't make a company give you a chance by calling you in for an interview. Stuff like that.

Okay, there you go. That's the gist of the stuff that's been going on. "Same old, same old", right? But in the interest of a little positive thinking (for a change), maybe that's the wrong way to look at things. Maybe you should just throw caution to the wind and just hope for the best instead of always trying to prep yourself for the worst case scenario.

Maybe that was always my problem...seeing the glass half-full because I thought, knowing this ahead of time, it would cushion the blow if things didn't work out. But, hey, every time something doesn't go the way we really, really want them to, it still hurts like hell. Nothing really preps us for disappointment or pain...so what's the point of worrying, right?

It's been awhile since I've updated here, but I've always been one of those people who like to jump back and forth between blogs. Someone emailed me recently and said it seemed like there was more that I was going through than I was actually writing about and he suggested that maybe blogging about it would help --- it's sort of like a cheap form of therapy.

I replied that I liked to compartmentalize and that this was probably the main reason there's more than one blog that I keep.

I started this one mainly because I got sick of writing in Livejournal. LJ, to me, is sort of like what Facebook is. You jump onto the site when it's popular and you kind of get caught up in the novelty of adding people to your "friends" list and swapping comments back and forth, but then, after awhile, it loses its novelty and you realize that what you mainly enjoyed was just writing for the sake of writing, not soliciting comments. (Though, sometimes, they're nice to have...when they're not one-liners that brilliantly declare, "Cool!" or "Me, too!" WTF is up with that?)

I'm wearing shoes that kind of hurt. I've never really worn them before and I have to admit I only bought them because The Best Friend got me a gift certificate for that store and the shoes were cute, but not necessarily the kinds I'd buy on my own. And now, walking is a huge pain. Thank God I'm sitting for most of the day and only need to hobble back to the subway station.

Anyways...the theme of my life in the last couple of weeks has been change --- adjusting to it, wanting it, dreading it, and just thinking about it. Sometimes, I think life would be easier if only we were told what the shape of our lives was supposed to look like. But maybe part of the "fun" is not knowing what's going to happen next.

Someone left a comment on one of my other blogs today and said, "If it's meant to happen, it'll happen." And the thing is, it's something I've been telling myself a lot lately. It's something I've been telling other people, too...but why has it been so hard to really accept it? Maybe because I'm not sure how I feel about fate/destiny? Maybe because I've always felt like you just have to make things happen?

I don't know...just repeating those words to myself, though, kind of reassures me.

If it's meant to happen, it'll happen.