It's Thanksgiving weekend and the weather forecast lied: it's raining and it's not pleasant. Instead, there's a heavy humidity that just hangs in the air.

I have a headache that comes and goes in waves and I found myself lying on the couch, watching The Pianist of all things.

In the journal that my friends and family know about -- it's where I mostly post my e-mails to them and my travel journal -- I've discovered that a co-worker has stumbled across it and he's been reading it. I'm not really sure how I feel about it, because on the one hand, it's not a horribly revealing journal, but on the other hand...it still feels weird.

Same goes for the fact that someone from the tour group that I travelled with has stumbled across this blog, too. She wrote to let me know -- and she mentioned that, at first, she thought it was The Best Friend who wrote the journal...not me. And for some reason, I felt a little annoyed at that.

Maybe, in my mind, I've always thought of myself as The Writer and my ability to express myself via the written word was always my thing. In some ways, it felt like the only thing that I had to hold onto.

It's just...well...I feel as though, The Best Friend was the one that others were instantly drawn to. She's just got that sort of personality. I'm more of the quiet type that you need to take the time to get to know...and sometimes, I wonder if maybe people look at me and just think that I'm not worth getting to know or something.

I suppose it's a self-esteem thing.

Yesterday, when SR and I were leaving the hospital after visiting with SA, a good looking guy was walking past us in the opposite direction. For the first time in a long time, I actually found myself locking eyes with someone and it startled me, almost, to see him smile at me.

It doesn't really mean anything...

Especially seeing as I've become increasingly unenthusiastic about dating.

When someone recently asked me out, I blew it off and started to ignore him...feeling as though it'd be easier to deal with things by simply not dealing with them...

It seemed easier to simply bury my head in the sand.

The neighbour's new dog is whining.

I have no idea why they got another dog when it seems as though they can barely take care of the first one they bought.

At least the first one didn't make as much damn noise.

Since coming back to Toronto last week, I've been in this weird mood -- I just don't really feel like hanging out with anybody.

I've been slowly pulling together a travel journal and posting that up -- and discovered through Site Meter that someone from work was reading that particular journal. It's really no biggie, since I don't really put anything too personal up there...nothing stupid like, "I fucking hate my job and the people who work there are all shitheads." Mostly, I've been posting up emails that I send to various friends because a few of them thought they were funny and thought I should put them in one place so that all of them could read it. Figured it'd make a lot of sense to have the travel journal up on the same site.

The thing about Wordpress and Site Meter, though, is that it shows you who's looking at your blog -- well, not specifically who...not like, "Brian Rogers in New Jersey" but rather, "New Jersey." And you can tell from the IP Address if it's probably the same person, you know?

So, the thing is, I guess someone found my journal and then forwarded the link to someone via Facebook and this person has been checking back on my journal for the last couple of days.

It's kinda weird.

Anyways...like I said, I don't have anything too personal beyond some pictures. I don't have delusions of grandeur and I don't believe a lot of people will actually read this blog, so I guess it's no biggie.

Onto other stuff...

So, my mother and aunt were really big on introducing me to this guy. My dad, in particular, has become somewhat panicked by the fact that I'm still single.

Yup. Still single. Nowhere near settling down and utterly dismissive of almost everyone that I date. And after the whole thing with the Office Guy, I just sort of feel...I don't know...blank, maybe? I really liked him and he didn't like me. Not at all. He actually treated me like shit when I think about it now.

So, now I'm here and I hate how old school all of this feels.

"Gimme your email address," my mother demanded while she was still on the phone with my aunt.

She didn't get why I was incensed and why I was so big on being given the common courtesy of being asked first. She didn't get how I felt like I was put on the spot and made to feel like I had no choice in the matter.

And after having been royally fucked over on the romance front one time too many, I can honestly say that I feel no hope whatsoever and I believe I'm smart enough to realize that the guy is most likely someone I'm not attracted to.

That's just how it works in my life.

I don't tend to spark a whole lot with all that many guys.

Anyways, the guy sent a couple of emails and they were...blah. And already, he's like, "You wanna meet up for coffee this weekend?"

A part of me feels like, "Just fucking get this over with." But another part of me feels like, "I don't want to hang out with anybody this weekend. At all."

Well, not only that, but I just find myself dragging my heels because I totally DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

I know what KN would say to this; she'd tell me I should be more open-minded, blah blah blah.

At this point, I just couldn't be more unenthusiastic about dating anybody.

I've even gotten to a place where I don't really talk about the man situation with anybody -- not even with Sister 2, with whom I usually share everything with.

There's this other guy I used to work with and he's nice and good looking and I guess we're friends, but at the same time, he's too fresh off a break up and I don't know if we'd make a good fit even though a couple of former co-workers have always maintained that it seems like he likes me.

Yeah, that's all well and good, but if you don't like the person back -- not in the way they want --then what's the point of dwelling on it?

And then there's this other guy who seems like the male version of me. It's weird how much we have in common and how much we're on the same page about practically everything. But the thing is...I don't know if he's really al that interested in me as someone he'd like to date and get into a relationship with.

To be fair, though, I've been feeling pretty fucking ambivalent about the whole romance situation.

The only guy in the last little bit who sort of piqued my interest was a guy I met in Ireland...and I KNOW that this mostly had to do with the fact that I knew I'd never see him again.

How fucked up am I?

LO keeps asking if I'm excited about my upcoming trip -- but then again, she asks if I'm excited about even mundane things like whenever we're going to meet up with the girls...and yeah, I know this makes me sound like a bitch, but I guess y'all have already come to the conclusion that I am a bitch...but, it really makes me wonder about her, sometimes, you know?

Maybe it's just because I'm past that stage of heading out every single weekend, dancing and drinking, that I now find that sort of thing to be...well, boring. And the thing is, I've never really been into that scene, anyway. I mean, sometimes, yeah, it's nice to go out dancing...but not every weekend.

Not sure why, but when I met up with her last weekend for lunch, we got to talking about DS -- I mentioned how I was a little worried because DS seemed depressed.

LO was so flippant about the whole thing and waved it aside saying, "Yeah, but when she complains about her job and everything, she does it with a smile, so it's kind of funny."

That just irritated the fuck out of me.

I smothered the look of incredulity that I knew was forming on my face -- I don't deny that I foster the notion that I'm bad at hiding what I feel, but the reality is, if you're seeing a look of disgust or anger or irritation on my face, it's because I want you to see it. Most of the time, I don't really give a fuck what you might think of me, because the older I'm getting, the less I care about being "sweet" and "nice."

You know what I think? I think "nice" is overrated.

Even though DS works with LO now, I always knew that, when the three of us were working together, both DS and LO felt closest to me. And even now, I think that DS tells me a whole lot more than she tells LO.

Sometimes, we "joke" about the things that make us miserable to keep from falling apart.

I think that if you're finding it hard to get out of bed and you spend every Sunday night dreading the prospect of going back to work, and then shooting off emails that read, "I hate it here" on a daily basis, it's safe to say that you hate your job and that you're not all that happy.

The thing about DS, though, is that she's convinced herself that she's got no choice but to work there until something else comes along.

I guess that's a whole other issue altogether.

Back to LO, though...

Sometimes, I find her naivete and eternal optimism to be depressing.

Maybe it's because former friend, KN, was right: that I'm a pessimist.

When I met up with TB on Friday night after work, she said that she wasn't really sorry about what happened that long weekend the four of us took that mini trip to NY. The funny thing is, I wasn't really sorry, either, though I think I effectively closed the door on my friendship with KN that weekend.

Brutal honesty doesn't have a place in every single friendship...or rather, there are some people who aren't really your friends just because you hang out with them fairly often --- especially if you don't particularly respect them and you catch yourself thinking, "What a loser."

(Yes. For a change, I'm actually sketching in more of my life in a post on this forum. Gather round and see what a horrible human being I am!)

The thing is...I think KN has been waiting to see if I'll call or email to sort of patch things up, but I have no interest in doing so.

I think she's a pathetic flake for only having the guts to dump her loser boyfriend because she had another loser lined up...and you know what the main draw was? This asshole pursued her and this was the first time she'd ever been pursued by a guy.

Let's just ignore the fact that he's a fucking old guy who's married, shall we? And let's also ignore the fact that he never really initiated the desire to separate from his wife. Instead, he drove his wife to ask for a separation by his pathetic way of going on and on about how some other girl he'd met was "so beautiful".

Hmmm...let's see...we have boyfriend #1, who mooched off of her for seven years and whom she was only with because she was deathly afraid of being alone. And now we have potential-boyfriend #2 who is already exhibiting a disgusting display of insecurity by calling her constantly, needing to be reassured that she'll be "there" for him.

Was I overly harsh (according to TS) when I flatly told KN that she was afraid to be alone and that she was being a fool for jumping in with yet another pathetic loser...who should fucking know better at his age???

Okay. Yeah. I'm still angry just thinking about this...and I don't even get why I'm angry. This is her fucking life. I'm totally done with her as a "friend".

I think what pisses me off most of all is that it's become abundantly clear that most of the people in her life don't tell her the truth -- they don't tell her what they really think and they get labelled as being the "good" friends, just because they tell her what she wants to hear. But me? I have the gall and the nerve to tell her, "Don't do this. You deserve better. Have some pride in yourself" and I get labelled as the bitch.

Okay, fine, everybody! I AM A BITCH.

There.

I said it.

I'm a horrible excuse for a human being because I'm judgmental and I was too harsh to my friend.

You know what?

I don't give a shit.

If that's what she thinks, she can just go fuck herself.

Every now and again, I restart the campaign to get my sister to dump her boyfriend -- I haven't exactly had the greatest success...she's still with the asshole.

But at least now the rest of the family is starting to see things my way and it's like everybody against M.

Okay, maybe that makes me sound like a bitch, but this guy isn't right for my sister.

I put the blame squarely on that fat wench that she started hanging out with three summers ago. If she hadn't started hanging out with that fat wench, the fat wench would have never introduced her to M and we wouldn't be where we are now.

What pisses me off more than anything else is how my sister has turned into one of those pathetic girls who sacrifices everything for an undeserving sack of shit who actually gets pissed off with her when she shares things with her own family.

I'm not stupid.

I realize that the overt hate-on is going to just make her want him even more. I've gone for the much more subtle approach with the little comments that I know will worm under her skin and eat away at her.

Sister 2 is absolutely certain that Sister 3 will eventually break up with M because he's such a moody prick who gets mad at her over stupid things. He's a control freak who expects her to accomodate him all the time.

I dread the thought that one day, this asshole will be my brother-in-law.

See, it's easy to tolerate your friends' shitty boyfriends, 'cause in the end, they're not family. They might feel like family, but they ain't family. When you're talking about a blood sister you're close to, it's much much harder.

Sister 4 was the one who hated M right from the start. Maybe because she's the youngest, Sister 3 felt she was able to ask her why she hated M so much.

She hasn't asked me why I hate M.

And no, hate isn't too strong a word.

And in my family, I guess I'm the most toxic when it comes to hating people...I don't bother disguising it.

I'm a latecomer when it comes to watching The Hills.

I'm pretty sure some of the guys at work think I'm a total airhead because of my great love for television...but I really don't give a fuck anymore.

You know, if there's anything I can't stand, it's when people act like they're better than you -- or smarter than you -- just because they:

A. Claim they don't watch any television whatsoever.
B. Think you're materialistic and shallow just because you like to shop.
C. Don't keep up with celebrity gossip.

Okay. Whatever.

Sometimes, I prefer it when people underestimate me.

A few months ago, I went out with this guy who was so fucking pretentious the way he talked about the job he had, the money he was making, blah blah blah. The final straw was when he was going on and on about how most of his buddies had girlfriends he would never consider dating because they weren't good enough for him.

Okay, buddy. Now it's obvious why you're fucking single, still.

I guess one of the main reasons I've been taking stock of the whole dating situation (once again) is because I was out with a friend for lunch yesterday and she was chiding me about not putting myself out there enough. Simply put, I just wasn't trying hard enough to meet more people. She thinks the whole dating-someone-from-work disaster should have forced me to jump right back into the dating scene and head right back out into the bars and clubs.

The thing is...I don't want to try so hard anymore. It's just fucking exhausting.

I just take issue with the fact that she thinks that dating should be like this game that I should push myself to win at.

It makes no sense.

Well...not to me, anyway.

She asked me if I'd ever consider hooking up with "A" because he seems interested. But the thing is, I don't see myself with him....and just because someone's available means squat, you know?

She thinks -- like everybody else in my life, it seems -- that I'm just too fucking picky.

Maybe I'm just uber-anal but I've always liked what Cervantes said about being forewarned and forearmed being half the battle.

I'm not one of those people who likes to travel without a plan of where to go, where to eat, and where to stay.

I'll even go as far as to do up my own itinerary within an itinerary. I mean, I'm going on a tour, but I still want to get things down as detailed as possible so that I know exactly which exit I should use when I get to the airport so that I'll be able to catch the right bus (cheaper than the cab) that'll take me right to my hotel.

I need to know what attractions are nearest each other so that I can possibly walk from one spot to the next.

And even though I have all the documents with me right now, I still feel vaguely...I don't know...anxious, maybe?

Today's been a weird day for me.

Maybe I've just been depressed.

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things...okay, that's a lie. I've only been thinking about one thing...to the point of obsession, maybe. (Trust me. It pains me to admit that.)

I try not to think too much about the future -- as in, will I get married and have kids type of future.

It just makes me feel anxious, thinking that maybe I'll be some bitter, old hag.

I don't like dogs.

Never have.

If I were to meet the man of my dreams and he had a pet dog and it was a take-it-or-leave-it deal, I'd actually leave it.

For me, that'd actually be a deal-breaker.

And yet...

When one of my neighbours got a dog, I actually felt sorry for the poor thing.

For one thing, my neighbours aren't exactly the kind of people you'd entrust with...well, anything. They just seem like the sort of people who'd buy a dog on a whim 'cause they thought he looked cute in the store window, but within weeks, they'd get bored of it and would forget to walk it and feed it and whatnot.

Okay. I have no proof of this, but I don't really think all that highly of my neighbours and I'm inclined to believe this to be true.

Anyways, they built this shitty little makeshift doghouse for their new pet, and they pretty much leave it in the backyard all the time.

This morning, after getting back from yoga, I was out in the garden when I heard this rustling noise and noticed the little dog peering at me from the crack between the fence.

It startled me at first, but cautiously, I went over to grab my bag and fished out my camera to snap a picture.



It actually seemed kinda lonely, you know?

I got a little nervous and scared when it started trying to dig its way under the fence and over into my yard, though. I beat a path straight back to the house.

I know.

I'm pathetic.

---

Got myself a Japonesque powder brush the other day -- I've been obsessed with getting one ever since my makeup artist friend got one.

It's made from squirrel hair and it's so ridiculously soft -- the salesgirl at the specialty beauty store had me close my eyes as she took two different brushes and lightly swept it against my cheeks to see if I could feel any difference.





I've been raving about it ever since...though, if I'm honest here, I actually found the Quo blush brush that I bought today to be pretty soft, too.

When you've got really sensitive skin like mine, it's important to get a really good brush, otherwise you're just aggravating your skin with hard bristles.

Unlike a lot of people I know, I don't like using M.A.C.. Ever since I discovered Cover FX, it's the only product line that I use -- I personally feel like it's better for my skin. I love the fact that the creator of this line was a corrective makeup specialist at Sunnybrook Hospital, who worked with the Chief of Dermatology at the same hospital, Dr. Neil Shear, to develop this line.

Something to check out if you want a product that works well and is totally mineral based.