Maybe I'm just uber-anal but I've always liked what Cervantes said about being forewarned and forearmed being half the battle.

I'm not one of those people who likes to travel without a plan of where to go, where to eat, and where to stay.

I'll even go as far as to do up my own itinerary within an itinerary. I mean, I'm going on a tour, but I still want to get things down as detailed as possible so that I know exactly which exit I should use when I get to the airport so that I'll be able to catch the right bus (cheaper than the cab) that'll take me right to my hotel.

I need to know what attractions are nearest each other so that I can possibly walk from one spot to the next.

And even though I have all the documents with me right now, I still feel vaguely...I don't know...anxious, maybe?

Today's been a weird day for me.

Maybe I've just been depressed.

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things...okay, that's a lie. I've only been thinking about one thing...to the point of obsession, maybe. (Trust me. It pains me to admit that.)

I try not to think too much about the future -- as in, will I get married and have kids type of future.

It just makes me feel anxious, thinking that maybe I'll be some bitter, old hag.

I don't like dogs.

Never have.

If I were to meet the man of my dreams and he had a pet dog and it was a take-it-or-leave-it deal, I'd actually leave it.

For me, that'd actually be a deal-breaker.

And yet...

When one of my neighbours got a dog, I actually felt sorry for the poor thing.

For one thing, my neighbours aren't exactly the kind of people you'd entrust with...well, anything. They just seem like the sort of people who'd buy a dog on a whim 'cause they thought he looked cute in the store window, but within weeks, they'd get bored of it and would forget to walk it and feed it and whatnot.

Okay. I have no proof of this, but I don't really think all that highly of my neighbours and I'm inclined to believe this to be true.

Anyways, they built this shitty little makeshift doghouse for their new pet, and they pretty much leave it in the backyard all the time.

This morning, after getting back from yoga, I was out in the garden when I heard this rustling noise and noticed the little dog peering at me from the crack between the fence.

It startled me at first, but cautiously, I went over to grab my bag and fished out my camera to snap a picture.



It actually seemed kinda lonely, you know?

I got a little nervous and scared when it started trying to dig its way under the fence and over into my yard, though. I beat a path straight back to the house.

I know.

I'm pathetic.

---

Got myself a Japonesque powder brush the other day -- I've been obsessed with getting one ever since my makeup artist friend got one.

It's made from squirrel hair and it's so ridiculously soft -- the salesgirl at the specialty beauty store had me close my eyes as she took two different brushes and lightly swept it against my cheeks to see if I could feel any difference.





I've been raving about it ever since...though, if I'm honest here, I actually found the Quo blush brush that I bought today to be pretty soft, too.

When you've got really sensitive skin like mine, it's important to get a really good brush, otherwise you're just aggravating your skin with hard bristles.

Unlike a lot of people I know, I don't like using M.A.C.. Ever since I discovered Cover FX, it's the only product line that I use -- I personally feel like it's better for my skin. I love the fact that the creator of this line was a corrective makeup specialist at Sunnybrook Hospital, who worked with the Chief of Dermatology at the same hospital, Dr. Neil Shear, to develop this line.

Something to check out if you want a product that works well and is totally mineral based.

Betrayal.

When you've been betrayed, when you've been lied to, when you've been hurt -- more than once and by different people -- it gets kind of hard to trust people afterwards. And the thing is, when it happens more than once, I get to a point where I actually start to wonder, "Is it me?"

If you're the one thing that's constant throughout all of these betrayals, then maybe it's you.

So, being in New York kind of sucked because, instead of really forgetting about work and all the other crud that's been going on in my so-called love life, I thought it'd be a low-key long weekend where I'd just hang out with some of my closest friends.

But then, when your best friend says shit that makes you look bad in front of your other friends -- and by this, I'm talking about flat out telling another person that you've talked shit about them behind their back -- it makes you wonder if that person was your best friend to begin with.

Certain things go in the vault, right -- especially with your best friend?

And is it really talking bad about another person if all you've said is that you don't respect their decisions and that you're not sure if you really want to be that person's friend anymore?

So, the situation is this: I don't really have any respect for people who don't know how to be on their own. Maybe it's because I've had to do this.

I don't have respect for people who are so insecure that they'd jump from one bad relationship to another one just because they're afraid of being alone.

I don't have respect for people who, entering their forties, should have their shit together and who should have stopped behaving like teenagers.

And you know what? I really don't think that there's anything wrong with saying, "I haven't respected this person for a really long time now and I don't want to make any more effort in staying their friend. I'd rather let this person go."

Friendship is a two-way street, after all...so, if I quietly slip away and the other person doesn't notice, then doesn't that show you something, too? That maybe they were too self-absorbed in embroiling themselves in another shitty situation to really notice or care about the fact that you're not in their lives anymore?

And you know what? I'm just really fucking sick and tired of being the friend who's there for everyone. I'm sick of the fact that I'm the one who has to always listen and it's like, I don't feel close enough to the other person to really reveal what's going on in my mind or how conflicted I'm feeling about some of the things that are going on in my life.

I don't know.

Sometimes, I just feel like I'm too old for this shit.

---

Noticed this guy on the ferry by himself, taking pictures.

I don't know...I used to feel sort of sad for people by themselves, but now I'm starting to realize that maybe they're a lot braver to be able to travel on their own and who sort of say, "Well, I've got no one to travel with, but I'd like to see the world, so I'm gonna go on my own."

It's taken a long time for me to do this, but I've started going out to eat on my own in restaurants -- without a book or work to sort of hide the fact that I'm alone.

When you have things like books or work to keep your head down, it's different from just sitting there by yourself and just eating.

I do wonder sometimes if this is how things are going to be.

And I'm able to wonder about this without the same palpable loneliness throbbing all around me.

So, things didn't work out with J. So what? Some things aren't meant to be. But if I'm honest here, I can't seem to stop thinking about why.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

---

Some pictures:


NY Trip 039
Originally uploaded by Anonymous Writer.

NY Trip 041
Originally uploaded by Anonymous Writer.

NY Trip 064
Originally uploaded by Anonymous Writer.