Plus One Is The Loneliest Number

That was my favourite episode of "Sex and the City" --- because of that one scene where Carrie and Charlotte are sitting at the bar and Charlotte muses, maybe we don't say certain things out loud because we don't like the way they sound. And then Carrie says, "I'm lonely. I am. The loneliness is palpable."

It was that word --- "palpable" -- that got to me because it meant more to me than the word "lonely" did...if that makes any sort of sense.

It's that sense of loneliness that throbs throughout your entire being that makes you hurt in some undefineable way that makes you ask yourself why you haven't died from it yet --- it's like a slow torture that propels you from one day to the next, never really letting up.

It makes your heart hurt and your soul hurt.

And nobody likes to admit this --- being lonely, that is.

It's, like, "God, what's wrong with you?"

I don't even really want to go down this road, but it's like I can't help it. Valentine's Day just brings that out in me, I suppose. It makes you wonder, "What's wrong with me?" when all sorts of people manage to find love every day. Sometimes, it's a really horrible person --- someone selfish, demanding, stupid, and mean. If someone like that can find love...then what's wrong with me?

You'd think you'd get used to it...this loneliness. But it surprises you sometimes. Just when you think you've finally learned how to cope, something will come up and make you feel that emptiness again.

God.

I know I sound pathetic...but I need to write this out of my system. I need to write about it and then wake up tomorrow and be okay.

'Cause, really, what choice do I have?