Happiness --- coming and going...
How many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn?
All the love I have is in my head?
But I'm a lucky man...
Happiness --- something in my own place...
I feel no disgrace with who I am
Sometimes, sunlight just goes a long way to how you're feeling...especially if you live in Toronto and winters typically mean living under a cloud for a good chunk of the year.
So, Christmas is around the corner.
I can actually say that 'cause most things just seem to be around the corner lately. Maybe it's something that happens the older you get. Time flies by even when you're not having any fun at all.
Okay, maybe that's a depressing way to look at things.
Goal for next year is to be depressed less often.
Granted, when you're depressed, you're depressed. Rolling out of bed is a chore and trying to reflect on how much better you have it compared to a lot of people just doesn't cut it.
Something I've been thinking about lately, though, is this: someone said to me, "The way you see yourself is really skewed. You don't see yourself the way others do. I don't get why you're so hard on yourself all the time."
She went on to say that a lot of things that have nothing to do with me, I manage to change into an issue with myself.
Like when a relationship doesn't work out, it suddenly turns into something wrong with me. I hang onto my pain like it's worth something.
On some level, I'd thought about this before, but it's always weird when you hear it from someone else, you know?
Yesterday, I was sitting with J. I'd been avoiding him for the last couple of weeks, thinking that maybe it was just better for me in the long run to pretend that he didn't exist and to avoid him 'cause I didn't want to go down that familiar road that leads to nowhere except heartache.
I'm so tired of feeling that way.
Yeah, it's immature. I mean, what am I? 12 years old?
When we were sitting next to each other, I contemplated just saying nothing. Nobody does the Ice Queen act like me. I think I'm well on the road to actually becoming frigid.
A few days ago, I was at this meeting and found myself sitting next to this guy who wound up in the same group as me. He playfully swatted my arm a couple of times and grinned at me and all I could think was, "Don't touch me! I don't like to be touched! I think I'm frigid, damnit!"
A friend of mine said the only thing preventing me from actually being with someone is that I've completely turned myself against the notion. I have no patience for flirting and I think I've actually stopped recognizing it as such.
Like I said, nobody does the Ice Queen like me. Like Portia de Rossi's character on Ally McBeal, they might as well call me "Sub Zero" now.
For this, I thank Ass Face.
Though, I guess it's not fair. I mean, the bitterness thing was something I did to myself. I could have been the bigger person and just thought to myself, "Self: it's time to pick yourself up and just move on. Ass Face doesn't deserve all this heartache. Let's just hope he gets an STD and dies soon or moves back to where he came from."
Yes. A small part of me still hopes he gets a fate worse than death.
But again, I'm just hanging onto my pain like it's worth something. I don't know why I'm still even thinking about him. Maybe it was because I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking about J and thinking, "Great. Bloody great. I'm back here again. Feeling like shit again. All because of a man".
It makes no fucking sense.
When I look back on 2006, he will be a defining chapter in it.
I did reflect in my other journal that, in some ways, I was grateful for what had happened. I wouldn't be who I am right now.
But maybe who I am right now isn't all that great.
But no.
Mustn't think that way.
It's time for a little change in thinking.
I remember this one episode of Will and Grace where Grace is moaning, "Oh God, I hate myself!" when she suddenly stops and goes, "No. Wait. That's negative. I hate him."
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