It's one of those shit days.

I don't even have the energy to check the job boards.

I'm going to turn into one of those homeless people and die.

I'm having a hard time concentrating today.

Hence, another update.

Writing things out seems to be the only way to sort things out in my head.

Anyway...

When Harelquin Reader called me up and asked me if I'd gotten her email about wanting to congratulate the Ex-Friend on her wedding, I got real cold.

I'm already having a bad day and I know I'm just allowing it to steamroll out of control.

"Why would you want to do that?" I asked. "She cut you out of her life. She didn't want to ever see you again. She didn't invite any of us to her wedding. She doesn't care about any of us. Your friendship means nothing to her."

I said this all in a freakishly calm, cold way. That's usually how you can tell I'm really pissed off. Screaming and dotting every sentence with "bitch", "fuck" and "shit" just makes you come off sounding crazy.

"You get that, right? She doesn't want you in her life anymore. If she did, she would have put in just a tiny bit of effort --- thrown an email your way once a year, that sort of thing."

There was silence.

"I sense that you're mad. Are you mad?" she asked.

"Yes."

Nevermind the fact that I wanted to beat her senseless with the phone.

And then we were both silent, just listening to dead silence on either end.

Where's the friggin' pride?

Okay, granted, maybe I suffer from an overabundance of pride --- maybe that's my stumbling block when it comes to life --- but there are some instances where it's got nothing to do with being the "better" person or forgiving someone. It's about fucking letting go. People come and go from your life; sometimes, they mean more to you than you do to them. That's just a sad fact of life.

I switched the subject and talked about other stuff after the silence became unbearable.

Who knows? Maybe I really am being incredibly petty and small and horrible, unable to feel happy for someone else...but you know what? I don't give a shit.

Obviously, it's not healthy to be holding onto all of that anger --- and admittedly, I'm the sort of person who will leap to a "You're dead to me!" declaration and then actually follow through on never acknowledging the other person again --- but, as hard as this is to believe, I'm trying to work on it.

It's weird how, when nothing ever seems to go right in your life, about the only thing that ever reminds you you're still alive is bitterness.

I figure once I hit the "apathy" mark, I'll be on better standing.