I'm finding this whole new year's resolution to be less negative to be one uphill battle, man. Positive thinking --- who knew it'd be so hard?

 

I was sitting on the subway when a woman began snorting like she was trying to hock up some phlegm (though, where she intended to get rid of it, I had no idea...I mean...she wouldn't swallow it back down again, right? Or would she? I don't know...people are nasty) and I tried to wipe the pained expression off my face as I thought over and over again, "Happy place. Go to your happy place."

 

Who knew the happy place isn't really anywhere except me thinking "happy place" as if they were the magic words?

 

It's only day 12 of 2007. A friend of mine remarked yesterday that this positive thinking thing doesn't translate into instant gratification. That's why it's hard-going.

 

The other day, as I was talking about the whole "I need to change" thing with another friend, I paused mid-way through and said, "I sound like I'm on crack, don't I?"

 

Someone just walked past --- the woman I only know as "The Perpetually Drunk One"...and even then, it's only known by me, 'cause the smart person knows you don't go trash talking someone you don't know behind their back if you know what's good for you --- and she was saying, "We're a team! We're a team! There's no "I" in team."

 

I almost piped up and said, "Yes, but there's a "me" if you jumble up the words."  (That was from "House"...and yes, I fully realize that I'm one of those people who annoys the Best Friend, with the constant regurgitation of quotes from TV shows and movies.)

 

So, I've enrolled into a course in the interests of pursuing a new career, eventually. At the registrar's office the other day, during my lunch hour, I felt a wave of irritation as I waited in line.

 

Between thinking, "Happy place, go to your happy place" I found myself thinking about how it must be a job requirement to be either a sour-faced, miserable old white woman who remains stone-faced even when flashed my most charming smile OR you have to be an insufferable young thing who thinks she's too good for the job she's performing. (Which just made me want to rear my hand back and box her squarely in the face before telling her, "You stupid cow. Welcome to the real world. We ALL hate our jobs. Grow up.")

 

I almost wanted to shove my form back at them and say, "Fuck it. I don't need this. I'll just learn to deal with being unhappy in my job."

 

The day I graduated from university was one of the best in my life. Why? Because at that moment, I thought, "YES!!! No more homework! No more essays! No more mid-terms! I say, 'No MORE!'"

 

What the hell am I doing?

 

I'm listening to my Keane CD and the track "Crystal Ball" right now. There's this part that goes, "Oh crystal ball, crystal ball. Save us all. Tell me life is beautiful."

 

Yeah. That's what I want, too.