If you read my other blog, don't worry, this isn't a cross-post.

But yes, you're right --- I write way too much. It's weird how I feel this need to document so much of what I think and feel in my life when I don't really feel like my life's all that interesting. But maybe that's one of my main problems, you know? I actually firmly believe that some people, i.e. my "friend", JM, see me in this way that makes me feel like a loser, just because my life hasn't played out the way so many of our other friends' lives have.

So, anyway...today's soundtrack is..."Erase and Rewind" by The Cardigans.

Remember that song they first came out with in North America? "Love Fool"? It was just so cheerful and pop-ish that it was easy to just dismiss them.

But then their other song, "Live and Learn" was featured on an episode of "Grey's Anatomy." And for me, it's the lyrics that draw me in.

Don't know why, but she really reminds me of Veronica Mars here.

I was thinking about this song because I've changed my mind about certain things...like doing something for New Year's Eve.

Screw what everybody else thinks.

If I look like a loser for spending the night at home, doing nothing, then so be it.

I don't give a shit anymore.

I was thinking, today, though, that it's so stupid how people will say nice things about you behind your back and never let you know what they really think...so instead, you focus all of your energies on the things that people have said that make you feel bad about yourself.

It's always a weird thing when you discover that people have been complimenting you and think highly of you.

Though...I guess the truth is, I know I'm generally well-liked...maybe it's the fact that, after all these years, I still hate myself a lot...and that gets in the way.

Anyway...

I found out today that China has changed the rules for foreign adoptions.

This was a big deal to me because I just pictured myself doing the whole single mom thing and adopting a little girl from China.

I never thought that this wouldn't be an option.

Of course, nobody really understood why I was so upset about it.

I hate how everybody kept saying, "Don't worry. You'll get married and have babies of your own."

Don't tell me not to worry. You can't guarantee that I'll get married and have my own kids.

It just...really left me feeling empty, you know? Like, the universe had taken away all hope of ever falling in love and having someone to grow old with...and now, the universe had taken away the hope of a child, too.

It just really irritated me how everybody kept saying, "You're still young."

Do you know how much I hate that?

*sigh*