Is there anything more exhausting than pretending to work?

So, with one project finished and another one ready to be launched, there's that in-between phase where you're just sitting there, with your head down, furiously typing at your keyboard, pretending you're hard at work, 'cause as one team lead said, pretense is everything.

There were moments today where I seriously wanted to kill myself --- just take a pen and ram it right into my neck.

People often tell me I'm melodramatic.

You know what I've noticed?

Most people don't know how to hold a conversation.

Or maybe I just talk too much --- about anything and everything.

This misleads people into thinking I'm friendly --- which I'm not. I'm just incredibly nosy.

What's sad is when you start talking to someone who obviously has no friends and then they start clinging to you for dear life 'cause you're now their one and only friend and for the first time in their life, someone's actually listening to them and seems interested in what they have to say.

I actually hold that dubious honour of being the "one friend" to a lot of people.

Sometimes, it can feel a little...difficult. Because sometimes? Sometimes you just don't feel like listening to other people's problems.

But anyway...so there's this guy at work that I've started talking to. We're not friends or anything. I mean, I'm not gonna brandy around that word for every person who walks into my life. But the thing is, he invited me to his birthday thing and at first, I thought everybody in the department was invited, but it turns out they're not. So, on the one hand, it's like, "Yay! I'm popular!" but on the other hand, it sort of feels like being back in school 'cause sometimes, the people you hang out with aren't exactly "popular" (but hey, if they make me laugh, then they're okay by me) and if they're not invited somewhere and you've fallen into the habit of having lunch with them, then it just gets weird, you know?

God. Isn't it stupid?

It's not exactly a problem. I mean, I know what real problems are --- me and my chronic pain issues, occassional bouts of depression, and ongoing existential crises are "problems."

Did I mention that this one guy once left a comment in my other journal about how it was good that I wrote 'cause it helped me work through my issues and how, I wasn't like everybody else, 'cause most people didn't have issues like I did.

I was like, "WTF?"

A part of me felt like, "If I knew who this guy was, I'd claw his eyes out with my bare hands."

And while I get that, on occassion, I might get a comment about how I'm "funny" (I get that more in "real life" than online) I was kind of insulted that he found my rantings about depression funny.

But, whatever.

Sometimes, you've just gotta tell yourself that the online world isn't even all that real.