So, started writing about this and then stopped and started deleting. It's like, sometimes, you'll stop and think, "If only I could give myself a bitch slap right across the face."

Okay, so here's what I was writing about...and I'm still mulling over. (And because I have nothing better to do here on my last few days of working at _________ Inc., it's just nothing but time to think this through until I go crazy.)

It's weird, but when I'll start writing something out and it's, like, I feel like I'm not explaining myself clearly enough (even if I'm writing in this blog solely for my own benefit and not for anybody else), it just stews inside of me.

But anyway....so here's what I've been stewing over...

It's one thing if you're depressed.

It's another when it's your friend. Or someone in your family. Or anybody else, for that matter; anybody you have to be around a lot --- 'cause what do you say? I mean, it drives me apeshit whenever I'm depressed and people start saying, "Oh, well, why don't you do this? Or do that?", offering me all these solutions like I'm too inept to know how to go about putting my life together.

Who knows? Maybe I am.

The thing is, it's not so simple as, "I hate my job" or "I'm lonely", you know?

Yeah, so why is it that other people always feel like it's their place to tell you what you should do with your life? Like you don't know any better? Or like you're just not trying hard enough?

That being said, I guess I'm a hypocrite, 'cause all I wanted to say when the Best Friend said she was depressed about getting older and not being married was, "Just deal with it."

No sense in whining about it. If life deals you a shit hand, just fucking deal with it.

You know what, though? I just know that, ultimately, in the end, the Best Friend will get what she wanted. (Whether she'll have a happily ever after ending is another story. But right now, all she wants is to get married to this guy who isn't right for her --- and I honestly believe that eventually, he'll buckle down and propose, because he's never really put himself out there to look for someone who might be better suited for him.) So, I don't really understand why she'll get upset over things not happening fast enough.

It'll happen eventually.

But the thing is, when other people tell me, "Don't worry. Thing's will happen eventually for you, too", I don't believe them. My mind blips over that, dismisses it. Or I get really angry, 'cause I don't want people to tell me things to make me feel better; it's the same thing as lying, as far as I'm concerned. And a part of me knows they're just saying it for the sake of saying it --- 'cause it makes them feel uncomfortable when someone flat out says, "I'm depressed" or "I'm unhappy."

Seriously, what do you say in response to that?

I'm a realist. I look at things the way they are, see what's feasible, take things one day at a time, and that's it.

Don't think too far ahead --- stuff happens and maybe your plans will change.

I don't know.

I guess people who don't get depressed as often as I do won't understand it. Which is why this is kind of confusing. I get it. You feel bad --- and it's not like you enjoy feeling bad. You just feel that way.

So...why is it a struggle to deal with somebody else's unhappiness? Why am I such a firm believer in things working out for other people, but not for me? Or is it because I prefer keeping things to myself and I think that everybody else should be like that, too?

Though...the Best Friend did say that I was one of the few people she could stand talking to when depressed 'cause I never try and make her feel better. I just listen. Or go, "Yeah, I know."

And the thing is...I do know.

Yeah, there are people out there who have it worse than you and maybe on the grand scale of things, your problems aren't all that big, but how does that make you feel better? Are you supposed to say, "Well, my life's shit, but at least it's not as shitty as this other person's?" How does that make you feel any better? You still feel like crap.

Sure, I joke about it sometimes to other people, but it kind of irritates me when they seem to think it's nothing but a joke...like, "Yes, my misery is solely for your benefit. I'm here to make you laugh and feel better."

I don't know.

(I realize I say that a lot.)

I'm not making any sense today.