So.

I think I might be ready for a change.

The funny thing is how, sometimes, you just have to get to that point where you're so sick and tired and disgusted with the way your life is going before you can mobilize yourself into action.

The problem is to keep the momentum going.

Sometimes, I suspect I'm just too lazy for real change and maybe my main purpose in life is to just wait for death.

*

I've been listening to Alanis Morissette's Precious Illusions. Who knows? Maybe it's the whole birthday angst happening and that's why I'm feeling the way that I am.

Someone at work told me that, while she might be living a lie, it's not too late for me to go and find out what I want from life and figure out where it is I'd like to go.

I guess that's why Alanis' words kinda struck a chord with me right now:

You'll rescue me right?
The exact same way they never did...
I'll be happy right?
When your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me right?
Then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
Only when you realize the gem I am?


But this won't work now the way it once did
And I won't keep it up even though I would love to
Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did
Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

*

So the thing is, I kinda realize that there are some things I have no control over --- like making Mr. I-Think-Could-Be-Right have any feelings for me --- and there are some things that I do...like I could go back to school and do something else.

The question is...do I want to?

Or am I just too comfortable being stuck where I am?

I don't know.

I've just gotten really used to looking for things that'll seem right in my life and not looking for things that might make me happy, 'cause, somewhere, somehow, I managed to convince myself that not everybody gets to be happy or gets what they want, so it's just better to make due with what you've got.

But is that even really true?