I've accidentally locked the key inside a chest that my grandmother gave to me before she died.

Well, she gave me the key before she died.

I've been using the chest to store all of my old diaries.

And now...well, they're all locked inside. But maybe that's a good thing. Having access to them is like trying to grope through the past, trying to figure things out and hoping to change things when you simply can't.

The thing that bugs me, though, is that the key and lock are so intriciate --- not your standard lock and key. They came from China and the key is actually two separate pieces --- sort of like pieces to a puzzle that you need to know how to use in order to get the fucking thing unlocked.

So, it's just frustrating, you know?

That's an overriding theme with me these days --- that vague sense of frustration that I'm trying to ignore. Just move on, try not to dwell on things you can't change and focus on what you can...if you want to.

The key lies in "if you want to."

We usually forget that we have a choice in everything we do. We like to pretend we don't.

You know what I hate?

Sometimes, I wake up and get this really excited feeling like something's about to happen --- and you feel this sense of hope, 'cause it feels like anything's possible. But then...well, nothing happens, even if you try and open yourself up to things you would have normally said "no" to.

And then nothing happens and you just wind up feeling disappointed and thinking, "What the hell was that all about, then?"

There are some days where I'm really, really afraid that I'll wind up reaching the end of my life and thinking, "What a fucking waste."

And the thing is...I don't even know what'll make me happy anymore.

Like, I thought my life was going to be a certain way, and then it turned out it wasn't. Things I worked for, that I thought I wanted --- I learned I didn't really want them at all. And even though I'd like to have someone in my life, sometimes, I question whether I'm even meant to have somebody there...I mean, how can you explain my failure to connect with anybody?

Yesterday morning, my sister and I were just talking, lying sideways on the bed, with our legs propped up against the wall. Just for the hell of it, we decided to make a list of all the guys I'd gone out with and after I reached the end, I kinda thought, "Wow. And out of all those people, I didn't connect with any of them. Do I have standards or am I too picky? Or maybe it's me. Maybe there's something wrong with me."

It doesn't matter if your friends think you're great, fun, funny, smart, down-to-earth and nice --- that doesn't count for shit, 'cause it's not about meeting people, per se. It's super easy to meet people. Meeting the right person is the key.

And maybe that person doesn't exist, you know?

I hate it, hate it, hate it when people go, "I don't get why you're still single."

What the fuck are you supposed to say to that?

You either come off as bitter, depressed, lonely or just a liar who's pretending to be happy being single.

I mean, let's face it --- even if you're okay being single, most people don't believe you'll be okay until you've found "the one."

You know what, though? I mean, it's okay. I think I've gotten to the point where I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I'm probably never going to connect with anybody.

When I say that, though, I'll invariably get the standard:

"Oh don't say that! You'll find somebody! It just takes time."

Okay. Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

It's gotten to the point where I think, "Why do I even say these things out loud? I mean, it doesn't make me feel any better and I know what other people'll say to me, in an attempt to make me feel better."

The truth is, I don't know if I'm capable of hoping anymore. Maybe 'cause I'm so jaded and bitter. But who knows? Maybe it's all in my mentality, you know? Maybe all of this anger and bitterness will just make it impossible to be in a position to fall in love.

And the thing is, even though it sounds like I'm just ranting about being single and alone, I don't know if I really feel lonely anymore.

I've just sort of resigned myself to certain things.

That's why, when I got to know this guy and I started thinking, "I can actually see myself with him --- in that grow-old-with-me way" I took stock of the situation 'cause it fell into that predictable pattern of my life: unavailable and probably uninterested.

But maybe it's because I've gone through this whole thing so many fucking times that makes it easier to just let it go.

No sense in following through, setting myself up for disappointment and humiliation. No thank you. I've had enough.

You know what?

I seriously wonder, sometimes, if maybe I did something in a past life or something -- like maybe I was a complete prick and that my punishment in this life is to understand how it felt on the other side of the coin.

If only life made some weird sort of sense in that way...if only I understood, maybe I'd have an easier time accepting the way certain things are.

There are things you have control over and things that you don't --- like whether you'll meet somebody that you will fall completely in love with.

It's like that new ABC show, "Six Degrees." There are millions of people out there and who's to say that the right person for you hasn't wandered past you at some point --- someone you could have easily met but chance kind of seperates you. Maybe you run and grab the train while it's at the platform but the other person misses it. Maybe you're on the same train and one of you glances over but the other person's absorbed in a book. Or maybe you both notice each other, but you don't have the nerve to get up and go over to talk to a complete stranger.

But then again...that last bit...it's a choice, right? You choose to stay silent, hoping the other person will say something, and then the moment just passes you by, lost to you forever.

Life just sucks.