Sorry about the cross posting here, but I'm too tired to write something different:
I was flipping through this book when I came across this passage:
Depression's pain is significantly multiplied when it is disbelieved by others. Emily first dragged herself out of bed to see an internist, who insisted there was nothing wrong with her and repeatedly asked, "Why are you doing this?" Similarly, Emily's mother expressed the familiar pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps mentality:
It was like, "Wow" because I'd been feeling that exact same way the last couple of days.
I'd actually talked to a couple of friends about how depressed I was feeling and all I got was, "You're NOT depressed. Trust me. You're not" or "You've got to snap out of this, 'cause this woe-is-me crap is getting tired."
It just made me really mad, you know?
Like, how many times have I been there for someone else --- patiently listened and advised and been a shoulder to cry on for someone else?
I know this is just a bad spell I'm going through and all I'm asking is for someone to listen to me for a change.
And it just hurts, you know? It makes me feel even more alone than I do right now.
I was telling my mother tonight that there's just something so humiliating about allowing yourself to have feelings for someone only to have the door slammed shut in your face again --- to see that he's with someone else and you're just another person...a nobody.
She agreed with a lot of my friends --- that I spend too much time being unhappy and worrying about being single and alone. 'Cause, you know, even though I know that I'll be okay, it's not enough to wipe out this really lonely feeling that actually hurts.
When I told my mother that if I only knew that I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life, then at least I'd be able to force myself to come to some sort of acceptance and peace. But I heard my voice catch and felt that annoying stinging in my eyes --- and I was so goddamned pissed off with myself for allowing myself to feel this way. It just makes me feel weak and pathetic.
But I guess this whole thing has taught me that it was always better to pretend to be okay --- 'cause nobody wants to see me being sad and glum. I'm just supposed to be the fun, funny girl who's everybody's best gal pal.
I was flipping through this book when I came across this passage:
Depression's pain is significantly multiplied when it is disbelieved by others. Emily first dragged herself out of bed to see an internist, who insisted there was nothing wrong with her and repeatedly asked, "Why are you doing this?" Similarly, Emily's mother expressed the familiar pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps mentality:
After this experience my mother and I haven't been as close...You know, she was so unsympathetic, and it really, really hurt me and made me mad. And I remember saying to her, "Do you think I'd be doing this if I could snap out of it?"
It was like, "Wow" because I'd been feeling that exact same way the last couple of days.
I'd actually talked to a couple of friends about how depressed I was feeling and all I got was, "You're NOT depressed. Trust me. You're not" or "You've got to snap out of this, 'cause this woe-is-me crap is getting tired."
It just made me really mad, you know?
Like, how many times have I been there for someone else --- patiently listened and advised and been a shoulder to cry on for someone else?
I know this is just a bad spell I'm going through and all I'm asking is for someone to listen to me for a change.
And it just hurts, you know? It makes me feel even more alone than I do right now.
I was telling my mother tonight that there's just something so humiliating about allowing yourself to have feelings for someone only to have the door slammed shut in your face again --- to see that he's with someone else and you're just another person...a nobody.
She agreed with a lot of my friends --- that I spend too much time being unhappy and worrying about being single and alone. 'Cause, you know, even though I know that I'll be okay, it's not enough to wipe out this really lonely feeling that actually hurts.
When I told my mother that if I only knew that I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life, then at least I'd be able to force myself to come to some sort of acceptance and peace. But I heard my voice catch and felt that annoying stinging in my eyes --- and I was so goddamned pissed off with myself for allowing myself to feel this way. It just makes me feel weak and pathetic.
But I guess this whole thing has taught me that it was always better to pretend to be okay --- 'cause nobody wants to see me being sad and glum. I'm just supposed to be the fun, funny girl who's everybody's best gal pal.
2 Comments:
It's always been ironic to me that some of the funniest people, are also the saddest, and when they're sad, no one wants anything to do with them...
S
It can be very difficult at times to know what is a passing phase and what could turn into a serious problem.
I'm always thinking that people are sick of hearing me complain and be sad. That's what my therapist is for. She's someone who I can talk at and not worry about. I don't need her as much for that reason these days, but it's still good sometimes to have that neutral ear.
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