Excerpts From E-mails
Gina recommended reading "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey, which is all about his six-week stint at a drug rehab centre. All the covers have an Oprah Book Club sticker on them and I wanted to peel it off in one piece --- sort of like how I like trying to lift the crust off a creme brule without breaking it. It's the kind of exercise that requires great patience and too much time on your hands --- like peeling off the glue strip that adheres those pizza coupons to the TV guide. I like rolling them up into a ball and each week, I attach the new glue strip onto the ball I've started. My goal is to make a giant glue ball. I've had to start over many times because people actually make the mistake of thinking it's garbage and throw it away. Can you believe that?!
Anyway, the book's good. After I finish that, I'm going to start in on "Hell Hath No Fury", which is a collection of letters that women have written post-breakup. I find that kind of crap funny. People have no pride sometimes. For me, when something's over, it's over. You go walk into a corner of a room and say emphatically, "He's dead to me!" and then move on. Or at least that's how everyone should deal with bad break-ups.
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Because most people don’t bother remembering any of my sisters’ names, the three sisters turn into one composite sister whenever I talk about them --- a sister so thoroughly weird that I look relatively normal in comparison. Though, I really can’t blame people for not remembering. Sometimes, my own parents find it easier to just address us by order of birth, which Sister 2 hates because being called No. 2 makes her sound like poo. Personally, I enjoy being called No. 1. Makes me feel important --- like that guy on Star Trek, even though he wasn't the captain, who you'd think would be called No. 1, but wasn't...not that I watched it or anything.
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I have these two friends who both refuse to swear, so whenever I’m around either of them, I say things like, “G.D. you, you rectal void!” if someone cuts me off in traffic. Granted, it doesn’t have the same sort of impact as, “God damn you, you motherfucking asshole!” Though, I kinda like the ring of “G.D. you!” It's like speaking in code. A very simple code that sounds like you're reciting the alphabet out of order. "G.D. U, U F'N A!"
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I thought I had the flu --- even though I got the flu shot yesterday. I don't. But you know, any chance to infect others shouldn't be wasted. Being dubbed Patient Zero would be totally cool. Apart from maybe dying, 'cause then you wouldn't get to hear people say, "Hey, Patient Zero! How's it going?"
Anyway, the book's good. After I finish that, I'm going to start in on "Hell Hath No Fury", which is a collection of letters that women have written post-breakup. I find that kind of crap funny. People have no pride sometimes. For me, when something's over, it's over. You go walk into a corner of a room and say emphatically, "He's dead to me!" and then move on. Or at least that's how everyone should deal with bad break-ups.
*
Because most people don’t bother remembering any of my sisters’ names, the three sisters turn into one composite sister whenever I talk about them --- a sister so thoroughly weird that I look relatively normal in comparison. Though, I really can’t blame people for not remembering. Sometimes, my own parents find it easier to just address us by order of birth, which Sister 2 hates because being called No. 2 makes her sound like poo. Personally, I enjoy being called No. 1. Makes me feel important --- like that guy on Star Trek, even though he wasn't the captain, who you'd think would be called No. 1, but wasn't...not that I watched it or anything.
*
I have these two friends who both refuse to swear, so whenever I’m around either of them, I say things like, “G.D. you, you rectal void!” if someone cuts me off in traffic. Granted, it doesn’t have the same sort of impact as, “God damn you, you motherfucking asshole!” Though, I kinda like the ring of “G.D. you!” It's like speaking in code. A very simple code that sounds like you're reciting the alphabet out of order. "G.D. U, U F'N A!"
*
I thought I had the flu --- even though I got the flu shot yesterday. I don't. But you know, any chance to infect others shouldn't be wasted. Being dubbed Patient Zero would be totally cool. Apart from maybe dying, 'cause then you wouldn't get to hear people say, "Hey, Patient Zero! How's it going?"
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