Anonymous Rants

2007-10-06T16:11:00.000-06:00

It's Thanksgiving weekend and the weather forecast lied: it's raining and it's not pleasant. Instead, there's a heavy humidity that just hangs in the air.

I have a headache that comes and goes in waves and I found myself lying on the couch, watching The Pianist of all things.

In the journal that my friends and family know about -- it's where I mostly post my e-mails to them and my travel journal -- I've discovered that a co-worker has stumbled across it and he's been reading it. I'm not really sure how I feel about it, because on the one hand, it's not a horribly revealing journal, but on the other hand...it still feels weird.

Same goes for the fact that someone from the tour group that I travelled with has stumbled across this blog, too. She wrote to let me know -- and she mentioned that, at first, she thought it was The Best Friend who wrote the journal...not me. And for some reason, I felt a little annoyed at that.

Maybe, in my mind, I've always thought of myself as The Writer and my ability to express myself via the written word was always my thing. In some ways, it felt like the only thing that I had to hold onto.

It's just...well...I feel as though, The Best Friend was the one that others were instantly drawn to. She's just got that sort of personality. I'm more of the quiet type that you need to take the time to get to know...and sometimes, I wonder if maybe people look at me and just think that I'm not worth getting to know or something.

I suppose it's a self-esteem thing.

Yesterday, when SR and I were leaving the hospital after visiting with SA, a good looking guy was walking past us in the opposite direction. For the first time in a long time, I actually found myself locking eyes with someone and it startled me, almost, to see him smile at me.

It doesn't really mean anything...

Especially seeing as I've become increasingly unenthusiastic about dating.

When someone recently asked me out, I blew it off and started to ignore him...feeling as though it'd be easier to deal with things by simply not dealing with them...

It seemed easier to simply bury my head in the sand.

The neighbour's new dog is whining.

I have no idea why they got another dog when it seems as though they can barely take care of the first one they bought.

At least the first one didn't make as much damn noise.

2007-09-29T06:51:00.001-06:00

Since coming back to Toronto last week, I've been in this weird mood -- I just don't really feel like hanging out with anybody.

I've been slowly pulling together a travel journal and posting that up -- and discovered through Site Meter that someone from work was reading that particular journal. It's really no biggie, since I don't really put anything too personal up there...nothing stupid like, "I fucking hate my job and the people who work there are all shitheads." Mostly, I've been posting up emails that I send to various friends because a few of them thought they were funny and thought I should put them in one place so that all of them could read it. Figured it'd make a lot of sense to have the travel journal up on the same site.

The thing about Wordpress and Site Meter, though, is that it shows you who's looking at your blog -- well, not specifically who...not like, "Brian Rogers in New Jersey" but rather, "New Jersey." And you can tell from the IP Address if it's probably the same person, you know?

So, the thing is, I guess someone found my journal and then forwarded the link to someone via Facebook and this person has been checking back on my journal for the last couple of days.

It's kinda weird.

Anyways...like I said, I don't have anything too personal beyond some pictures. I don't have delusions of grandeur and I don't believe a lot of people will actually read this blog, so I guess it's no biggie.

Onto other stuff...

So, my mother and aunt were really big on introducing me to this guy. My dad, in particular, has become somewhat panicked by the fact that I'm still single.

Yup. Still single. Nowhere near settling down and utterly dismissive of almost everyone that I date. And after the whole thing with the Office Guy, I just sort of feel...I don't know...blank, maybe? I really liked him and he didn't like me. Not at all. He actually treated me like shit when I think about it now.

So, now I'm here and I hate how old school all of this feels.

"Gimme your email address," my mother demanded while she was still on the phone with my aunt.

She didn't get why I was incensed and why I was so big on being given the common courtesy of being asked first. She didn't get how I felt like I was put on the spot and made to feel like I had no choice in the matter.

And after having been royally fucked over on the romance front one time too many, I can honestly say that I feel no hope whatsoever and I believe I'm smart enough to realize that the guy is most likely someone I'm not attracted to.

That's just how it works in my life.

I don't tend to spark a whole lot with all that many guys.

Anyways, the guy sent a couple of emails and they were...blah. And already, he's like, "You wanna meet up for coffee this weekend?"

A part of me feels like, "Just fucking get this over with." But another part of me feels like, "I don't want to hang out with anybody this weekend. At all."

Well, not only that, but I just find myself dragging my heels because I totally DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

I know what KN would say to this; she'd tell me I should be more open-minded, blah blah blah.

At this point, I just couldn't be more unenthusiastic about dating anybody.

I've even gotten to a place where I don't really talk about the man situation with anybody -- not even with Sister 2, with whom I usually share everything with.

There's this other guy I used to work with and he's nice and good looking and I guess we're friends, but at the same time, he's too fresh off a break up and I don't know if we'd make a good fit even though a couple of former co-workers have always maintained that it seems like he likes me.

Yeah, that's all well and good, but if you don't like the person back -- not in the way they want --then what's the point of dwelling on it?

And then there's this other guy who seems like the male version of me. It's weird how much we have in common and how much we're on the same page about practically everything. But the thing is...I don't know if he's really al that interested in me as someone he'd like to date and get into a relationship with.

To be fair, though, I've been feeling pretty fucking ambivalent about the whole romance situation.

The only guy in the last little bit who sort of piqued my interest was a guy I met in Ireland...and I KNOW that this mostly had to do with the fact that I knew I'd never see him again.

How fucked up am I?

2007-09-09T07:27:00.000-06:00

LO keeps asking if I'm excited about my upcoming trip -- but then again, she asks if I'm excited about even mundane things like whenever we're going to meet up with the girls...and yeah, I know this makes me sound like a bitch, but I guess y'all have already come to the conclusion that I am a bitch...but, it really makes me wonder about her, sometimes, you know?

Maybe it's just because I'm past that stage of heading out every single weekend, dancing and drinking, that I now find that sort of thing to be...well, boring. And the thing is, I've never really been into that scene, anyway. I mean, sometimes, yeah, it's nice to go out dancing...but not every weekend.

Not sure why, but when I met up with her last weekend for lunch, we got to talking about DS -- I mentioned how I was a little worried because DS seemed depressed.

LO was so flippant about the whole thing and waved it aside saying, "Yeah, but when she complains about her job and everything, she does it with a smile, so it's kind of funny."

That just irritated the fuck out of me.

I smothered the look of incredulity that I knew was forming on my face -- I don't deny that I foster the notion that I'm bad at hiding what I feel, but the reality is, if you're seeing a look of disgust or anger or irritation on my face, it's because I want you to see it. Most of the time, I don't really give a fuck what you might think of me, because the older I'm getting, the less I care about being "sweet" and "nice."

You know what I think? I think "nice" is overrated.

Even though DS works with LO now, I always knew that, when the three of us were working together, both DS and LO felt closest to me. And even now, I think that DS tells me a whole lot more than she tells LO.

Sometimes, we "joke" about the things that make us miserable to keep from falling apart.

I think that if you're finding it hard to get out of bed and you spend every Sunday night dreading the prospect of going back to work, and then shooting off emails that read, "I hate it here" on a daily basis, it's safe to say that you hate your job and that you're not all that happy.

The thing about DS, though, is that she's convinced herself that she's got no choice but to work there until something else comes along.

I guess that's a whole other issue altogether.

Back to LO, though...

Sometimes, I find her naivete and eternal optimism to be depressing.

Maybe it's because former friend, KN, was right: that I'm a pessimist.

When I met up with TB on Friday night after work, she said that she wasn't really sorry about what happened that long weekend the four of us took that mini trip to NY. The funny thing is, I wasn't really sorry, either, though I think I effectively closed the door on my friendship with KN that weekend.

Brutal honesty doesn't have a place in every single friendship...or rather, there are some people who aren't really your friends just because you hang out with them fairly often --- especially if you don't particularly respect them and you catch yourself thinking, "What a loser."

(Yes. For a change, I'm actually sketching in more of my life in a post on this forum. Gather round and see what a horrible human being I am!)

The thing is...I think KN has been waiting to see if I'll call or email to sort of patch things up, but I have no interest in doing so.

I think she's a pathetic flake for only having the guts to dump her loser boyfriend because she had another loser lined up...and you know what the main draw was? This asshole pursued her and this was the first time she'd ever been pursued by a guy.

Let's just ignore the fact that he's a fucking old guy who's married, shall we? And let's also ignore the fact that he never really initiated the desire to separate from his wife. Instead, he drove his wife to ask for a separation by his pathetic way of going on and on about how some other girl he'd met was "so beautiful".

Hmmm...let's see...we have boyfriend #1, who mooched off of her for seven years and whom she was only with because she was deathly afraid of being alone. And now we have potential-boyfriend #2 who is already exhibiting a disgusting display of insecurity by calling her constantly, needing to be reassured that she'll be "there" for him.

Was I overly harsh (according to TS) when I flatly told KN that she was afraid to be alone and that she was being a fool for jumping in with yet another pathetic loser...who should fucking know better at his age???

Okay. Yeah. I'm still angry just thinking about this...and I don't even get why I'm angry. This is her fucking life. I'm totally done with her as a "friend".

I think what pisses me off most of all is that it's become abundantly clear that most of the people in her life don't tell her the truth -- they don't tell her what they really think and they get labelled as being the "good" friends, just because they tell her what she wants to hear. But me? I have the gall and the nerve to tell her, "Don't do this. You deserve better. Have some pride in yourself" and I get labelled as the bitch.

Okay, fine, everybody! I AM A BITCH.

There.

I said it.

I'm a horrible excuse for a human being because I'm judgmental and I was too harsh to my friend.

You know what?

I don't give a shit.

If that's what she thinks, she can just go fuck herself.

2007-09-08T17:13:00.000-06:00

Every now and again, I restart the campaign to get my sister to dump her boyfriend -- I haven't exactly had the greatest success...she's still with the asshole.

But at least now the rest of the family is starting to see things my way and it's like everybody against M.

Okay, maybe that makes me sound like a bitch, but this guy isn't right for my sister.

I put the blame squarely on that fat wench that she started hanging out with three summers ago. If she hadn't started hanging out with that fat wench, the fat wench would have never introduced her to M and we wouldn't be where we are now.

What pisses me off more than anything else is how my sister has turned into one of those pathetic girls who sacrifices everything for an undeserving sack of shit who actually gets pissed off with her when she shares things with her own family.

I'm not stupid.

I realize that the overt hate-on is going to just make her want him even more. I've gone for the much more subtle approach with the little comments that I know will worm under her skin and eat away at her.

Sister 2 is absolutely certain that Sister 3 will eventually break up with M because he's such a moody prick who gets mad at her over stupid things. He's a control freak who expects her to accomodate him all the time.

I dread the thought that one day, this asshole will be my brother-in-law.

See, it's easy to tolerate your friends' shitty boyfriends, 'cause in the end, they're not family. They might feel like family, but they ain't family. When you're talking about a blood sister you're close to, it's much much harder.

Sister 4 was the one who hated M right from the start. Maybe because she's the youngest, Sister 3 felt she was able to ask her why she hated M so much.

She hasn't asked me why I hate M.

And no, hate isn't too strong a word.

And in my family, I guess I'm the most toxic when it comes to hating people...I don't bother disguising it.

2007-09-03T10:50:00.000-06:00

I'm a latecomer when it comes to watching The Hills.

I'm pretty sure some of the guys at work think I'm a total airhead because of my great love for television...but I really don't give a fuck anymore.

You know, if there's anything I can't stand, it's when people act like they're better than you -- or smarter than you -- just because they:

A. Claim they don't watch any television whatsoever.
B. Think you're materialistic and shallow just because you like to shop.
C. Don't keep up with celebrity gossip.

Okay. Whatever.

Sometimes, I prefer it when people underestimate me.

A few months ago, I went out with this guy who was so fucking pretentious the way he talked about the job he had, the money he was making, blah blah blah. The final straw was when he was going on and on about how most of his buddies had girlfriends he would never consider dating because they weren't good enough for him.

Okay, buddy. Now it's obvious why you're fucking single, still.

I guess one of the main reasons I've been taking stock of the whole dating situation (once again) is because I was out with a friend for lunch yesterday and she was chiding me about not putting myself out there enough. Simply put, I just wasn't trying hard enough to meet more people. She thinks the whole dating-someone-from-work disaster should have forced me to jump right back into the dating scene and head right back out into the bars and clubs.

The thing is...I don't want to try so hard anymore. It's just fucking exhausting.

I just take issue with the fact that she thinks that dating should be like this game that I should push myself to win at.

It makes no sense.

Well...not to me, anyway.

She asked me if I'd ever consider hooking up with "A" because he seems interested. But the thing is, I don't see myself with him....and just because someone's available means squat, you know?

She thinks -- like everybody else in my life, it seems -- that I'm just too fucking picky.

2007-08-25T18:56:00.000-06:00

Maybe I'm just uber-anal but I've always liked what Cervantes said about being forewarned and forearmed being half the battle.

I'm not one of those people who likes to travel without a plan of where to go, where to eat, and where to stay.

I'll even go as far as to do up my own itinerary within an itinerary. I mean, I'm going on a tour, but I still want to get things down as detailed as possible so that I know exactly which exit I should use when I get to the airport so that I'll be able to catch the right bus (cheaper than the cab) that'll take me right to my hotel.

I need to know what attractions are nearest each other so that I can possibly walk from one spot to the next.

And even though I have all the documents with me right now, I still feel vaguely...I don't know...anxious, maybe?

Today's been a weird day for me.

Maybe I've just been depressed.

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things...okay, that's a lie. I've only been thinking about one thing...to the point of obsession, maybe. (Trust me. It pains me to admit that.)

I try not to think too much about the future -- as in, will I get married and have kids type of future.

It just makes me feel anxious, thinking that maybe I'll be some bitter, old hag.

2007-08-19T13:19:00.000-06:00

I don't like dogs.

Never have.

If I were to meet the man of my dreams and he had a pet dog and it was a take-it-or-leave-it deal, I'd actually leave it.

For me, that'd actually be a deal-breaker.

And yet...

When one of my neighbours got a dog, I actually felt sorry for the poor thing.

For one thing, my neighbours aren't exactly the kind of people you'd entrust with...well, anything. They just seem like the sort of people who'd buy a dog on a whim 'cause they thought he looked cute in the store window, but within weeks, they'd get bored of it and would forget to walk it and feed it and whatnot.

Okay. I have no proof of this, but I don't really think all that highly of my neighbours and I'm inclined to believe this to be true.

Anyways, they built this shitty little makeshift doghouse for their new pet, and they pretty much leave it in the backyard all the time.

This morning, after getting back from yoga, I was out in the garden when I heard this rustling noise and noticed the little dog peering at me from the crack between the fence.

It startled me at first, but cautiously, I went over to grab my bag and fished out my camera to snap a picture.

It actually seemed kinda lonely, you know?

I got a little nervous and scared when it started trying to dig its way under the fence and over into my yard, though. I beat a path straight back to the house.

I know.

I'm pathetic.

Got myself a Japonesque powder brush the other day -- I've been obsessed with getting one ever since my makeup artist friend got one.

It's made from squirrel hair and it's so ridiculously soft -- the salesgirl at the specialty beauty store had me close my eyes as she took two different brushes and lightly swept it against my cheeks to see if I could feel any difference.

I've been raving about it ever since...though, if I'm honest here, I actually found the Quo blush brush that I bought today to be pretty soft, too.

When you've got really sensitive skin like mine, it's important to get a really good brush, otherwise you're just aggravating your skin with hard bristles.

Unlike a lot of people I know, I don't like using M.A.C.. Ever since I discovered Cover FX, it's the only product line that I use -- I personally feel like it's better for my skin. I love the fact that the creator of this line was a corrective makeup specialist at Sunnybrook Hospital, who worked with the Chief of Dermatology at the same hospital, Dr. Neil Shear, to develop this line.

Something to check out if you want a product that works well and is totally mineral based.

2007-08-18T09:31:00.000-06:00

Betrayal.

When you've been betrayed, when you've been lied to, when you've been hurt -- more than once and by different people -- it gets kind of hard to trust people afterwards. And the thing is, when it happens more than once, I get to a point where I actually start to wonder, "Is it me?"

If you're the one thing that's constant throughout all of these betrayals, then maybe it's you.

So, being in New York kind of sucked because, instead of really forgetting about work and all the other crud that's been going on in my so-called love life, I thought it'd be a low-key long weekend where I'd just hang out with some of my closest friends.

But then, when your best friend says shit that makes you look bad in front of your other friends -- and by this, I'm talking about flat out telling another person that you've talked shit about them behind their back -- it makes you wonder if that person was your best friend to begin with.

Certain things go in the vault, right -- especially with your best friend?

And is it really talking bad about another person if all you've said is that you don't respect their decisions and that you're not sure if you really want to be that person's friend anymore?

So, the situation is this: I don't really have any respect for people who don't know how to be on their own. Maybe it's because I've had to do this.

I don't have respect for people who are so insecure that they'd jump from one bad relationship to another one just because they're afraid of being alone.

I don't have respect for people who, entering their forties, should have their shit together and who should have stopped behaving like teenagers.

And you know what? I really don't think that there's anything wrong with saying, "I haven't respected this person for a really long time now and I don't want to make any more effort in staying their friend. I'd rather let this person go."

Friendship is a two-way street, after all...so, if I quietly slip away and the other person doesn't notice, then doesn't that show you something, too? That maybe they were too self-absorbed in embroiling themselves in another shitty situation to really notice or care about the fact that you're not in their lives anymore?

And you know what? I'm just really fucking sick and tired of being the friend who's there for everyone. I'm sick of the fact that I'm the one who has to always listen and it's like, I don't feel close enough to the other person to really reveal what's going on in my mind or how conflicted I'm feeling about some of the things that are going on in my life.

I don't know.

Sometimes, I just feel like I'm too old for this shit.

Noticed this guy on the ferry by himself, taking pictures.

I don't know...I used to feel sort of sad for people by themselves, but now I'm starting to realize that maybe they're a lot braver to be able to travel on their own and who sort of say, "Well, I've got no one to travel with, but I'd like to see the world, so I'm gonna go on my own."

It's taken a long time for me to do this, but I've started going out to eat on my own in restaurants -- without a book or work to sort of hide the fact that I'm alone.

When you have things like books or work to keep your head down, it's different from just sitting there by yourself and just eating.

I do wonder sometimes if this is how things are going to be.

And I'm able to wonder about this without the same palpable loneliness throbbing all around me.

So, things didn't work out with J. So what? Some things aren't meant to be. But if I'm honest here, I can't seem to stop thinking about why.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Some pictures:

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2007-07-29T08:15:00.001-06:00

Lying prostrate on the couch yesterday afternoon, I didn't feel like doing much of anything, trying not to move as little as possible as the sticky summer heat rolled in through the windows.

I could have switched on the air con, but ever since the new system was installed, I keep forgetting how to program the damn thing and it just seemed easier to lay there and not move.

Who knows? Maybe it was the depression talking...though, truth be told, I don't really feel depressed.

So what if someone doesn't love you? What the hell can you really do about it? Best to move on.

It was weird, but when I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror, I suddenly hated the way my long, thick hair was messily tied up in a pony tail.

That's how I've been wearing it since the beginning of this year.

Every day, it's the same pony tail or bun.

A guy friend of mine (and a male boss) has repeatedly told me that guys don't like girls with short hair. And what's more is that they prefer your long hair tumbling freely down your back, not scraped back in a neat pony tail, away from your face.

Frowning at my reflection, I decided I needed to cut off my hair now. Right now. It had to be now.

I remembered how I actually really liked how Katie Holmes' new hairstyle looked, so I printed off a picture and drove to my hair dresser's.

As I watched my long locks being chopped off, I felt surprisingly unsentimental about it. It actually felt like this huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. And as I saw the new haircut start to take shape, I actually liked what I saw.

Late last night, as I started to read the new Harry Potter, I had a moment where I paused and realized that yet a new chapter had started in my life.

No.

Not because of the hair cut.

It was more like, "Wow. I've moved onto a new job -- one that I actually don't mind. I have new co-workers. Things have ended before they started with 'The Guy'. And now a new look for the new chapter."

It was a nicer way of looking at things, I thought.

I also realized that I wasn't really the same person that I was a few years ago, you know? Maybe pain is about the only thing that helps to mould us into who we're meant to be. (Though, I did question in my other journal yesterday whether we say things like that just to make the pain a little bit easier to bear.)

And so...I'm moving forward and realize that things are going to be a-okay.

2007-07-28T09:34:00.000-06:00

So, yeah.

Here I am.

At the crash site of unrequited love.

Again.

Boy, does it ever make me feel like a colossal loser.

And no, this isn't going to be some pathetic, whiny rant where I moan, "Why me?"

It's more like, "Oh, hello Loneliness. Welcome back to the party! Depression's already here."

That sounded so fucking melodramatic.

I'll get over it.

I always do.

I mean, if you're not the type who'd go straight for the knives and slit your wrists, you really don't have any other choice but to get over it, you know?

Career-wise, things are going great for a change. It's kind of cool to be in a position that matters and which I'm actually proud of. I wouldn't go so far to say that I love my job. But I like it a whole lot.

Lately, I've really been questioning if I even have the capacity to really love anything.

I'm not exactly the kind of person who's won over easily...that's why this latest romantic failure feels like salt being rubbed vigorously into a gaping wound...it's because I'm not the sort of person who falls very easily.

Now I worry that I'll not only have new walls but walls with metal bars all around my heart.

2007-07-05T18:41:00.001-06:00

I totally dig Tyler Florence.

Not in an "I heart Tyler" situation, but I like the recipes that he features 'cause it's stuff that I'd actually make and it looks like it'd taste good. (Unlike Rachael Ray's stuff...which just has no...panache.)

The Food Network up in Canada doesn't always feature Tyler's Ultimate, though. Instead, they do re-runs of The Barefoot Contessa and I don't care how mean this sounds, but that woman should lay off the butter. She uses like, a whole stick of butter for everything she cooks.

As a side note, I loathe Jeffrey Steingarten -- what qualifies someone as a food critic? I mean, is it just me or does it make sense to have a former chef be a food critic? I mean, we all eat. What makes Jeffrey Steingarten's palate so much more high brow than mine?

He's such a humourless, crochety, fat old bastard.

And a snob.

I hate snobs.

One of the head honchos that I have to work with is one.

She's such a bitch -- and if I'd had to work for her in my younger days, I might actually be dreading going into work now and having to deal with her. But now that I'm old and crochety myself, I don't really give a shit.

When you meet someone at work for the first time, it's just manners to introduce yourself, shake their hand and welcome them to the company. But this bitch? She was brusque, cold, curt and demanding. The way she thrust the copy back to me as she swooped her way downstairs to take a quick smoke break? I wanted to stab her in the face with my stiletto.

I merely disliked her at first, but I think a full-blown, all-consuming hatred is brewing here.

When I noticed the packet of cigarettes in her hand, I merely smiled pleasantly at her as I took the papers she'd thrust at me, and thought, "Choke and die, bitch. Maybe the nicotine tar up both lungs and you wind up leaving this company ASAP."

But the mean old bags always live the longest, don't they?

2007-07-02T14:56:00.000-06:00

Today's Soundtrack: "Goodbye" - Audio Adrenaline

You'll be fine tomorrow -- the sun will rise

Being the nerd that I am, I compiled a So You Think You Can Dance playlist on my IPod.

What of it?

Yesterday, I did a pretty good job of distracting myself and avoiding that creeping sense of unhappiness that seems to always lurk around...always waiting to pounce.

Sometimes, when I'm out with friends, I'll wonder if, maybe, certain relationships mean more to me than they do to the other person involved...and then I just wonder, "Why even go there? Why?"

I think that's why, for the most part, I've tried not to be too dependent on anybody...mostly because I don't want to come across as needy or burdensome to anyone.

And sometimes? Yeah, I wonder if maybe that's why relationships are hard for me...because I'm so busy trying to convince myself that I don't need anybody that I just wind up pushing the other person away.

C and I had a good view of the lake from where we were sitting and as we ate lunch and caught up on how things were going, I couldn't help reflecting that, if I had the power, I'd want to make her life happier...but the thing is, you can't really help someone who's really stuck in the notion that her life is crap and that it's meant to be suffered through.

You realize that, whatever you say that's not what she wants to hear, is just going to be dismissed...because she thinks that you don't really get where she's coming from.

It was Canada Day yesterday, so we have today off...and it kind of sucks when you have no plans for the long weekend...'cause then that's just an extra day off where you're doing nothing, mulling over things that you don't want to think about.

Mostly read today, after sleeping off a mild hangover.

It's not a habit or anything --- this desire to drink until I'm ready to collapse into a little ball and just sleep away whatever sad feelings have been brought to the surface.

Read something today that got me thinking...

Maybe happiness is something you have to work at...yes, we all feel sad, angry, hurt, and betrayed sometimes...but we have to remember not to let those feelings consume us to the point that we forget to live.

01Jul2007 004
Originally uploaded by Anonymous Writer.

01Jul2007 007
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According to Kristen on Eonline, the first official hook-up from So You Think You Can Dance is Kameron and Lacey...which isn't all that big a surprise...but it would have been interesting if it'd been something like...oh, I don't know...Lacey and Hok.

Something out of left field, you know?

2007-06-29T09:03:00.000-06:00

Okay, all I can say about last night's results show for So You Think You Can Dance is: What. The. Fuck.

Yeah, maybe it's a little sad that I'm a little too into this show, but it just royally pissed me off that they got rid of three really great dancers who have much more potential for growth go.

If the stupid ass judges hadn't gotten rid of Ricky from the first show and had cut Cedric loose like they should have, we wouldn't have this stinking mess where Jesus was let go.

Like, what the hell?

You're going to cut Jesus loose when it's so obvious that Neil isn't as up to par? C'mon, people! Look at the way Jesus danced --- there was nothing to complain about in any of the three routines he did:

Okay I loved this routine -- I even liked the music. I mean, look at the way he holds himself.

And then, you've got Neil and Lauren, with their forgettable salsa and tango. (Though, I did love their hip hop routine --- especially when Neil dives over Lauren's head.)

Ugh.

Why??? Why????????????????

I mean, I'm not saying that Cedric's not talented. He is. He's just not trained and he doesn't have what it takes to be in this competition. He should have been in the bottom three...but stupid American voters felt sorry for him and kept him in.

Don't do people favours because you feel sorry for them.

It's unfair to people who are talented and genuinely deserving of staying.

My heart broke a little when Jesus started crying.

Poor guy.

2007-06-28T18:21:00.001-06:00

I think I have an entirely unhealthy obsession for So You Think You Can Dance.

See, the thing is, I used to think this was indicative of having no life, but now? Well, I kinda don't give a flying fuck. As a friend said on Friday night, "I really resent the fact that they don't have any good TV on for Friday and Saturday nights --- there are a whole lot of us out there at home, you know."

I like going to Rickey.org --- the guy's almost as obsessed as I am about everything to do with Dance and he usually has vids of the show the next day.

I know Lacey and Kameron are good...but I kinda don't like Lacey. I'm more taken with Sara and Jesus.

Danny and Anya are another obvious favourite. Danny's so hot...but you can tell he can be a catty little beeyotch.

I love it!

I kinda thought it was embarrassing the way Debbie Allen said that Cedric could go train at her dance academy and Nigel put her on the spot, insisting, "For free? For free??"

Like, what the hell's she supposed to say?

Maybe that was his intent.

I'm still pissed that they got rid of Jimmy, who didn't deserve to go.

Ricky didn't deserve to go, either. They should have gotten rid of Cedric the first week. End of story.

I think J finds my overwhelming passion for the dumbest things to be kind of amusing and I can tell from the way he looks at me sometimes that he thinks I'm sort of nuts. But lately, I've felt like, "Take me the way I am, or go fuck yourself."

Looked in the mirror today at work and was kind of disgusted with how skinny I looked. I mean, I look like a stick figure.

I haven't really been eating a whole lot of junk and have been exercising pretty much every day for the last year...mostly out of boredom. I've always been thin, but this was the first time I sort of looked at myself and was bothered by it.

My sister, the nurse, actually works in the mental health department dealing with anorexic kids and she says she's going to bring home the diet that her kids are on so that I can start following it.

It's just weird, 'cause even eating ice cream has sort of lost its charm. (I know. I'm sick.) I'd rather eat fruit.

Like, fresh fruit...not the canned variety, which I used to joke was my favourite kind of fruit in the whole wide world.

Anyways...other miscellaneous things...

I'm thinking of heading to New York in August with some friends. I can't wait!

2007-06-24T17:43:00.000-06:00

Friday night and into early Saturday morning, I was in that uncomfortable place where the nice little buzz I had been building up was rapidly wearing off and I was stuck in a booth with three friends --- two of whom were in the middle of a heated argument with each other.

When I tried to lighten the mood by joking I wasn't nearly drunk enough to deal with this, the Best Friend "jokingly" snapped I should go get another drink, then.

And now, two days later, I'm still puzzling over what the hell happened that night.

Sometimes, I think certain things are just better off unsaid, you know?

This afternoon was a quiet one for me. I found myself dozing off at one point and it was nice just stretching out on the couch on a lazy Sunday afternoon, just reading and feeling the nice breeze coming in from the open window.

A part of me is seriously thinking about doing a Buddhist pilgrimage tour in India...nevermind the fact that I'm not exactly Buddhist. I mean, my parents consider themselves Buddhist, but I'd be the first one to tell you they know crap about Buddhism.

Just because you've got paintings and statues around the house doesn't mean you know anything about Buddhism.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about this need for spiritual reconnection.

It might have something to do with the books I've been reading, and it might have something to do with this slight sense of flux that I've been feeling. (Did I write about this in here? The state of flux that I've been embroiled in?)

I think I might be crap at meditation, though, 'cause invariably, I wind up falling asleep. I go from clearing my mind to just being asleep.

And prayer? Well, I think there's a "proper" way to do it...and it's not lying in bed having a frank discussion with God...because lying in bed leads to falling asleep.

I think I might have some low-grade form of narcolepsy or something...and that's the other thing: I sort of feel like I've been sleeping away most of my time. Any chance I get, my eyes are closed and my mind's shut off.

Maybe it's my way of coping with certain things in my life --- like the fact that I don't like dwelling on the unpleasant stuff...though, most of that "unpleasant" stuff isn't all that unpleasant.

I've got a pretty good life when I really stop and think about it.

I should be bloody grateful...so why is it that I'm always yearning for that one thing that I think is missing from my life?

Maybe that's just the human condition.

I think I might have a slight problem romance-wise...I always hate it when it becomes blatantly obvious that someone you like as a friend winds up liking you as more than a friend.

Usually, I play dumb and try to deflect as best as I can...and when that doesn't work, I do the disappearing act...though, this might be a hard one to get around seeing as we see each other every day and there's no way of getting around it.

2007-06-17T09:16:00.000-06:00

I'm planning on going away in a few months and I'm looking forward to it -- mostly because it's been awhile since I last picked up a camera.

Got myself a new one recently and I'm reminded of what I love best about photography --- which is seeing the world with a new set of eyes.

Planning on going away is also exciting because it gives you something to look forward to --- just that idea of being able to get away from the routine and maybe seeing something different and rediscovering that excitement that comes from being out of your element...

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2007-06-16T13:55:00.000-06:00

Okay.

I caved.

I went and bought an IPod, even though I've been sort of against getting one. But the thing is, I didn't have much of a good experience with the alternative, which was the Sansa Express, even though it came highly recommended as a good alternative.

It wasn't.

I quickly discovered online that a lot of people were reporting the same problems I was experiencing --- namely, that the player would automatically shut off and stop working altogether.

Bottom line? You get what you paid for. And maybe it's not such a good idea to try and find an inexpensive alternative.

And so, I'm now in the process of transferring some of my song files onto the IPod.

For some reason, I find myself thinking back to that documentary I watched a month or so ago called "Lovable" which was all about singles and their search for love and how hard that search can ultimately be.

The director was in the middle of this huge project of converting the songs he had into MP3s...or something like that. I don't remember now. The point is, at the time, I was watching this and I thought, "Ummm...yeah."

N thought I had an unhealthy obsession with this documentary, even quoting from it from time to time. She thinks that thinking negatively is the wrong way to go about things. She thinks that you have to whole-heartedly believe that things will be all right.

Every time I write that ("things will be all right"), I think about that song by the Umbrellas called "The City Lights". Every time I hear that part, I feel like maybe things will be all right.

It was weird how, earlier this week, I had a moment where I just felt...empty. Bored. Tired. I should have been happy and I knew that even bringing it up would just make people want to smack me. When I went out for lunch with SKR, she kind of looked at me, perplexed and said I should be smiling. This whole job thing was finally sorting itself out --- I'd been feeling stuck, like things were never going to work out in the career department when all of a sudden, this job, which seemed tailor-made for someone with my credentials and qualifications and experience just appeared out of nowhere. And yeah, it might have taken a really long while to finally secure that job, but it was now mine.

Shouldn't I be relieved? Happy, even?

And yet, my mind automatically reverted to worrying about the other thing in my life that wasn't settled.

SKR mused that maybe we were alike, after all --- maybe we were always just yearning for what we didn't have. Isn't that just the way life goes?

N was getting increasingly impatient listening to all of this talk...which is why, for the most part, I try not to talk about it. Unlike a lot of people, I fully realize just how annoying it is when you whine about something over and over again. God knows I'd been experiencing the same thing with SR and was now dreading the sound of my cell phone ringing and seeing her name pop up on the call display.

I think the main reason I hate talking to SR these days is because I know that most of her hopes and dreams will stay just that --- hopes and dreams. She talks a lot about wanting to do certain things, but she doesn't get off her ass and do anything about it.

Granted, it might seem like I'm exactly like that, too, but to be fair, I don't tend to post a lot about overly personal stuff and all you get is just the same old blathering when I'm feeling like shit.

When it's stuff that I actually feel like I can do something about i.e. actively looking for a job because I can't stand the one I'm in, I'll do something. The other stuff? Like making someone you want fall in love with you? That's completely out of my hands.

Speaking of love, I found myself thinking this morning that it kind of sucks to be continually pining after someone who's not sure about you, who doesn't want to take that leap of faith for you. As pompous as this sounds, I know I deserve better. But the thing is...what do you do when you don't really want anybody else except for this one person? How do you just shut off your feelings? I mean, when I go on dates, I find myself sitting across from yet another guy and my heart's just not in it. I like getting to know new people, but only one person's on my mind...and I'm afraid that I'll just come off sounding like some crazy stalker person, you know?

Maybe that's why it's better to just not talk about it with anyone. And I think I've gotten better at it, too...even though, whenever something happens, I just wind up puzzling over it on my own, wondering, "Does this mean something? Or is it nothing?"

It's all so stupid. What am I? 12 years old?

Anyways...I also picked up a Canon SD1000 today. I've been on the market for a new camera, too. I've been using a crappy Samsung one that's light and compact but which takes shitty pictures.

2007-06-16T10:37:00.001-06:00

Sometimes, when I'm reading other people's blogs, I wonder, "Why can't I do that? Just be totally open about what's going on in my life?"

Granted, some of those blogs can get kind of boring after awhile. I used to read this one blog on Xanga, which was sort of amusing at first, but then the girl just got really pretentious and boring, documenting all the fancy restaurants she'd go to and take photographs of all the things she'd eat. And everything was all about how great her life was with her perfect, perfect boyfriend --- and oh, look! Here are some chairs we bought at this trendy furniture shop.

*yawn*

Okay, maybe that just makes me sound jealous or something, but the truth is, maybe misery loves company and that's why, when you're feeling like your life's at a standstill, it sort of helps to read the blogs of other people who sort of feel the same way.

I mean, yeah, sometimes, I just feel like I'm writing the same thing over and over again..."I'm unhappy" blah blah blah...but the thing is, I tend to write when I'm unhappy.

So, maybe in an effort to switch things up a bit --- so that, one day, when I'm old and gray and look back through this blog --- there'll actually be stuff documented in here...little signposts of what made the year.

Okay...so in the last little bit...I got a new job.

Well, it's within the same company, but it's more in line with what I studied in school. And it's kind of a relief because the whole process of getting hired just dragged on forever and there were moments I had serious doubts I was even going to get it.

The thing is, I know I'm a good writer --- that might sound incredibly cocky, but it's something I know about myself. And while I might not be a good writer in the sense of being the next great Canadian novelist, I know that I have a knack for taking the complex and making it understandable...and I like that sort of challenge.

Getting your foot in the door is a bitch, though. And when your past experience has been mostly working in newsrooms and then you veer off course and start working in crap places that have nothing to do with your academic background...well, you sort of get this sense of, "What must other people think?"

Well, it's not so much that...it's more like, you have a lower opinion of yourself because you know you're not doing the best that you can do. You're not in a career that properly challenges you. You're in a job that makes you almost embarrassed.

And the thing is...I think that it actually affected me when it came to dating, too...because I didn't really think too highly of myself back then and I'd be feeling like...well, almost not worthy, you know?

Yeah. I know. It's stupid.

The funny thing is, this new job has killer benefits and you can actually go and see a psychologist and I thought that might be something I'd want to do. Just actually pay someone to listen to me and help me figure out some of this shit that's going on in my head that makes me feel like...less of a person, I suppose.

As for the dating thing?

Well...was briefly involved with this one guy who turned out to be a completely arrogant prick who thought way too highly of himself. Then was set up with a guy who didn't bother letting me know something that he should have --- which was why, when we met up, it was kind of a huge shock. And then there was this other guy who seemed interested at first, but then never got around to asking me out, so I figured, "I'm not going to do this. I don't want to pin my hopes on anybody anymore and just wait around like some idiot, hoping that things will change."

I've already done that for way too long with the guy from the office.

Speaking of which...it's really hard to know how things stand when sometimes, you think you get this vibe that there's the potential for something...and then you start second guessing it and wondering if you're just seeing something that you want to see.

I'd like to think I'm more perceptive than most people...but when it comes to dating and romance, I suck.

2007-06-12T18:27:00.000-06:00

It's weird how you can go from feeling this hopeful elation in the morning to glum moroseness.

I wish they'd make an all-day happy pill.

Oh. Wait. They do. It's called Prozac.

I can't even put my finger on why I'm feeling this way right now. It's not like anything happened --- thought maybe that in itself is why I'm unhappy. As I've always maintained, you have a whole lot of control over the direction your life takes, but there are some things you simply have no control over.

I'm listening to Jason Mraz's "You and I Both" and towards the ends, he sings, "I finally out of words." For the longest time, every time I listened to that song, I'd wait for that last drawn-out word, convinced he'd sing, "I'm finally out of love". I'm not sure why I thought it'd be an appropriate way to finish that song.

Anyways...I got a new job.

That's the big news lately. Thought I'd throw that in there.

I should be happier, but it's like I'm addicted to feeling unhappy. It's like, great...I've got a good job offer on the same day that I got a rejection letter for City of Toronto job that I didn't really want in the first place. And now that that's all settled, I can go back to obsessing about _____________.

2007-06-10T09:19:00.001-06:00

I'm reading a book right now --- the British chick lit variety that's almost too embarrassing to admit to because, you know, I like to foster the illusion that I've got some brain cells left --- about this woman who gets everything she wishes for.

And of course, one of the first things you're gonna wish for --- if all your wishes came true and if you're a single woman of a certain age --- is a man. Not just any man, of course. A good one.

Anyways, it's a nice way to pass the morning, seeing as I have a bit of a headache from sharing a bottle of Chardonnay last night with some friends in a pub patio, just talking until our voices were all hoarse, being the bitches that we all really are.

What is it about us that makes it so easy to slag on someone when they're not around? It's like the claws come out and I have to admit, as my head hit the pillow last night (or rather, early this morning), I had the uneasy thought that, if I was a much better person, I wouldn't have participated in the bitch-fest.

But maybe the point is, I'm not a better person. And so, today, I feel guilty, because that seems to be my cycle. There's just always something to feel guilty about and the very easy thing to do --- to stop feeling this way, that is --- is to simply stop saying stupid shit about other people.

The Best Friend pointed out that we were merely voicing our frustrations with this absent friend...but still...we were talking about her behind her back.

If we talk about her behind her back, what's to stop them from talking about me behind my back, you know?

So, memo to self:
Try and be a better friend.

Ugh.

It's so shitty when you start really looking at yourself and you realize that you're not the best person in the world.

2007-06-07T13:18:00.000-06:00

Holy crap!

It's Ben Stiller!

And here, Travis shows, once again, why they are my all-time favourite band.

I like the final shot where the four guys just throw their arms around each other and chummily walk off into the night, like they were little boys off on a little adventure.

(And yes. This day has been shot to hell. I've accomplished only one case and my mind's completely somewhere else right now.)

2007-06-07T12:51:00.001-06:00

There's almost no sense in ranting about this one, since Dave Levine does such a good job of it.

Thought I'd post it here, anyway, because I'd fully intended to rant about it.

I guess the real question here is this: When you've had an exceedingly stupid, talentless young woman such as Paris Hilton bore you to death by consistently managing to get her arrogant face on the cover of every magazine cover, wouldn't you want, as someone in a position of power to make her pay for her petty crimes, to force her to stay her entire prison sentence...even if she was refusing to eat?

Who bloody cares if she refuses to eat? She barely eats anything now. The woe-is-me crap that she pulls is just so friggin' boring. Why the hell should we feel sorry for her?

Someone with as much money as she has should be using her pseudo fame to make some real changes and to help others.

I wish that ankle bracelet would emit an electric shock every time she tries to set foot outside of her mansion.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Paris out of jail?!?
If you haven't growled it yet, let me do it for you. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!

The news that Paris Hilton was let out of jail after only three days first came in on my BlackBerry as I was heading into the office. And to my surprise, it triggered a BlackBerry-generated message on-screen that read: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!

OK. Maybe not. But those words did come out of MY mouth. Loud. Instinctive. Visceral. Primal. Guttural.

Matter of fact, I am still shaking my head so hard in disbelief I have a kink in my neck that will require a massage, for which I will send the bill to Paris for collateral damage.

So why was Paris sprung from the pokey after spending just three days of her expected 23 days in the L.A. jail? The sheriff's department cited a "medical condition," didn't say what it was, but took pains to point out that she would now serve out her original 45-day sentence in her house and will wear an electronic monitoring bracelet.

Oh.

Hold on just a second. Let's take this one at a time.

Medical condition? Do they not have doctors in the jail? When other inmates get sick, are they also let go?

Did some sleuth sneak into the L.A. Sheriff's Department overnight and remove the computer chip that regulates reason? Do they not realize the outrage this will provoke, the claims of special treatment?

So Paris will be under house arrest. Her house. The mansion she lives in. Her reward for getting arrested for DUI, then violating probation by not once -- not twice -- but three times driving with a suspended license.

On "The View," Joy Behar observed "This girl can get out of more things than David Copperfield." Great analogy. Because like a master magician, it would appear that Paris has, indeed, pulled a rabbit out of her hat.

And I'll bet you that even the rabbit is pissed.
Posted by Dave Levine, Executive Producer, "Showbiz Tonight": 11:40 AM

2007-06-07T08:47:00.000-06:00

Read this piece in today's Styles section and I actually thought, "How unfair." (Yes, I should have probably been working, but didn't you read that other Times piece last week about how, on average, we really spend only about 1.5 hours actually working?)

No...this wasn't an all important piece detailing the grave injustices of this world --- or maybe it was...a little bit.

More and more, celebrity names are actually becoming a brand. There's Gwen Stefani with L.A.M.B. and now Sarah Jessica Parker with Bitten. (And horror of horrors, the Olsen twins are attempting their own high-end fashion line!)

Do the celebs really design, though? Or are they throwing their name behind a line and it's really some up-and-coming designer who's designing for them? (Is this a really stupid question that'll lead to someone going, "Duh"?)

So, the minute the thought, "That's so unfair" popped into my head, my usual argument of "Whoever said life was supposed to be fair?" came right back at me.

When it comes to fashion, I think that if you know how to make clothes that women want to wear, then you shouldn't really have any reason to worry. People who simply wear brand name clothes because they're well-known aren't true fashionistas. I mean, if you were someone of true substance and style, you'd know what works and you'd know how to mix things up.

June 7, 2007
Stealing the Scene Along With the Store
By ERIC WILSON

ON Monday night, the 33-year-old designer Phillip Lim, who worked quietly behind the scenes in other designers’ studios for a decade before putting his name on a label that is now sold at Neiman Marcus, won the fashion industry’s highest award for emerging talent. Yet his obvious pleasure at being recognized by the Council of Fashion Designers of America at its annual ceremony must have been tempered by the fact that he was handed his statuette by two women who also call themselves young designers — Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

The ubiquitous celebrity twins, who turn 21 next week, had been invited by the fashion industry to present awards for rising stars at the New York Public Library. This fall, the Olsens are introducing a collection that will compete with Mr. Lim, and they would not mind someday being nominated for the award he won.

“You think, ‘Wow, how unfair,’ ” Mr. Lim said last week before the awards, after reading an article in Women’s Wear Daily about the Olsens’ plans to expand their marketing, fashion and lip-gloss empire — estimated by Forbes in 2003 to have sales of $1.4 billion — into the contemporary clothing market, the industry’s catch-all term for trendy sportswear lines like Vince and Theory, as well as that of Mr. Lim.

While sewing his own tuxedo for the awards ceremony in his garment district loft, Mr. Lim described a growing frustration among his peers as they face an onslaught of competing labels from celebrities. The Olsen twins, whose earlier merchandise was aimed at tweens and sold in mass stores like Wal-Mart, have grown up and moved on to try the adult market. They have a high-end designer line called the Row, which is sold at Barneys New York. On Monday night, they wore their new label, Elizabeth and James (named for their unfamous siblings), whereas not long ago they might have worn the designs of someone like Mr. Lim.

There is a great paradox here. For decades fashion has courted celebrities. It encouraged pop stars who moonlighted as designers, like Sean Combs, Jennifer Lopez and Gwen Stefani, to stage runway shows for flashy jeans and confectionary hot-pants ensembles. Mr. Combs, partly for his oversize personality and courtship of key players like Anna Wintour and Tom Ford, was nominated for awards for years and won for best men’s wear in 2004. It seemed harmless fun.

But now a number of designers are not so sure. Mr. Lim, who expects his collection to reach $30 million in sales this year and plans to open a store in SoHo next month, said the chances of a young designer surviving in the business today are “slim to none.” By contrast, celebrity lines like those of Mr. Combs and Ms. Lopez typically break the $100 million mark in sales in their first or second year, thanks to the power of a star name hitched to a huge marketing campaign. And they almost always begin with a lucrative fragrance deal, whereas it takes years for traditional designers to get the attention of companies like Estée Lauder or Coty.

“Celebrities have made it harder for real designers,” said Vera Wang, who won the top fashion council award for women’s design in 2005 and has designed for more than three decades.

“It’s a big open field out there now, like the Wild, Wild West,” Ms. Wang said. “You could be competing against a television or movie star for a fragrance deal, and that’s an added pressure for designers. We’re working really hard to keep our heads above water, and does the public differentiate, or care? Those are big questions. The most obvious impact is in fragrance, but certainly in apparel we’re feeling it now as well.”

The struggle of talented designers is an old lament. On top of familiar pressures — the contracting number of department stores, the difficulty of finding financing, the fickleness of consumers —some designers are now waking up to realize they are competing with celebrities for market share. With the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker, Jennifer Lopez and Paris Hilton jumping into the high-end department-store tier of the fragrance business, celebrities have grabbed 10 percent of that $2.8 billion market, as of 2005, whereas a decade ago their presence barely registered.

Ms. Wang suggested that Ms. Parker, who introduced a casual apparel collection for the T-shirt chain Steve & Barry’s last month, should begin wearing only her own clothes at public events. To play by the new rules of the business, Ms. Wang is creating a lower-priced line for Kohl’s, which will compete with a collection by Daisy Fuentes.

But what about the talent that “real” designers bring to their craft? Doesn’t that skill and artisanship matter to consumers, compared with the brute marketing muscle behind a line like, say, Kate Moss’s recent collection for Topshop, which was copied from pieces by other designers that were in the model’s closet?

Diane Von Furstenberg, the president of the designer council, argued that most celebrity collections, unlike those of its high-end members, are intended for a mass market. “I can see that the young designers fear they can get overpowered,” she said, “but they shouldn’t, because talent wins out.”

The awards event, which in its earliest incarnation was the invention of the fashion publicist Eleanor Lambert to promote American designers as a group, comes across today as a competitive sport between designers to draw the attention of photographers, resulting in the spectacle on Monday of Michael Kors posing with Heidi Klum, Liya Kebede and Debra Messing as Charlie’s Angels at the end of the red carpet.

The courtship of celebrities for publicity remains a fact of business one could not overlook at the awards, where Ralph Lauren was introduced by Oprah Winfrey, Uma Thurman wore a dress designed by Zac Posen, and the Proenza Schouler designers, Jack McCollough and Lazaro Hernandez, who shared with Oscar de la Renta the award for women’s wear designer of the year, arrived with Kate Bosworth in one of their designs.

Popular culture’s heightened focus on fashion encourages designers to raise their personal profiles. “Post Tom Ford, fashion has become a very different place,” said Thakoon Panichgul, who was also nominated for the honor Mr. Lim won. “There was so much globalization of fashion before when Tom Ford was the ‘it boy’ and because of that, people expect more of a designer. You have to do more than one job. You have to be out and about and be very sociable.”

The Olsen twins, whose offbeat personal style of excessive layering and oversize proportions has had as much influence on modern fashion as Seventh Avenue, seemed to recognize this social aspect of the designer job, serving as hosts to a fashion industry dinner with the Swarovski crystal company on Sunday night.

“At the end of the night, we’re going to go home like everyone else and wake up tomorrow and go back to work,” Ashley Olsen said at the party. She and her sister mingled with seasoned designers like Ms. Von Furstenberg, Arnold Scaasi and Pierre Cardin, 85, the apotheosis of old school licensing, whose name is on more than 800 products, with a volume of about $1.5 billion. That is comparable to the sales of the Olsens.

“We live in a media-crazed culture, where it’s all about celebrity,” said Daniel Silver, who with Steven Cox makes up the Duckie Brown design team, which was also nominated for an award. Mr. Silver said they could not compare the work of celebrities to their own, but they acknowledge that sharing the stage with them has had an impact on the psyche of the modern designer.

“There is no sense of enough there,” Mr. Silver said. “Being self-funded, it’s always a struggle. Quite often, if you are somewhat successful, and slightly lucky, you still tend to implode anyway.”

2007-06-06T06:10:00.000-06:00

*sigh*

Sometimes, it's like you can actually feel your brain rotting.

Or maybe it's just me.

Okay, definitely just me.

Let's not go down that oh-so-familiar road of why I feel like my brain's rotting --- because, when I complain about it, I invariably get an email berating me about how I seem to just sit on my ass and do nothing but bitch and moan.

(And whenever I get an email like that, I always think, "Hold up. How do you know I've just been sitting on my ass, doing nothing but bitching and moaning? There's a whole bunch of other shit that I don't bother writing about down here...so just fuck off. Who asked you to read this anyway?")

As some of you might have been able to suss out, I keep more than one blog.

Usually, there'll be at least one news item for the day that just pisses me off. (Yes. That required italics just to emphasize the level of disgust and pissed off-ness that certain things inspire in me.)

So, yesterday, I discussed (oh-so-briefly) religion. See, I'm not religious, but I believe in God.

(Okay, hold up. Digressing a bit here...what is up with this woman? There's a woman at work who seems incapable of going anywhere by herself. Like, not even to the washroom by herself. She'll come around and gather up one or two of her buddies to accompany her to the washroom or to go get water from the servery. What's up with that?)

Anyway, back to the God thing...yeah, so, my thinking is this: I don't really care what everybody else believes in. Whatever gets you through the day, right?

But then someone comes along and is all like, "That statement doesn't make any sense."

Whatever.

Maybe I should stick to bitching about little things...like how I think women who wear fake finger nails and who dye their hair are just tacky.

2007-05-16T09:55:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I sort of wish I had a brother.

Don't get me wrong. I love having sisters --- it's like growing up with your best friends --- but I still sort of wish I had an older brother.

A couple of friends have brothers and they're always talking about how they're not close to their brothers, but I kind of think it really depends on your personality. Me? I'm a talker. It's almost like I can't help it, which kind of sucks, sometimes.

That's one thing I don't really like about myself --- that I'm always laying everything out there (when it comes to my friends...when it comes to dating, I know I tend to close off).

Last night, a friend said that maybe one of the main problems with me and my dating life is that I'm too opinionated and too "strong" --- so, what does that mean? That I should be more of a weak-wristed, co-dependent who needs a man to come along and save me?

I wasn't sure how to take it, because at the same time, she also added, "But don't ever change. You want someone who loves you inside and out."

Don't we all?

Song of the day: "Bittersweet Me" by REM
Don't have a stinkin' clue what this song's supposed to be about...but who cares? I'm in a rare REM mood today.

Though...upon deeper reflection, some of the lyrics apply to today:
"I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this...

I don't know what I'm hungering for
I don't know what I want anymore."

2007-05-15T09:54:00.000-06:00

Babe Ruth once said, "Never let the fear of striking out get in your way."

I was thinking the other day that somewhere, somehow, I'd changed from being someone who'd take the occassional risk to someone who...well, it's not that I don't take risks anymore. I guess I'm just a whole lot more hesitant and wary when I do.

Who knows? Maybe it's the accumulated disappointments and pain from the past --- you have to admit that it plays a big part in the choices you make later down the road.

But is that even any way to live?

The last couple of weeks were just weird ones...days where I sort of felt stuck and like I was on the road to nowhere fast. And all the while, I have this thought in the back of my head about how life's too fucking short to be afraid of anything and that I should just take a chance...on more things.

Anyways, another thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is this: when do you know to give up on someone, when, in your heart, you still really want to be with them? It's just so bloody difficult when you've started to feel like this is the right person for you and that you could potentially be the right person for him...but that fear of rejection and humiliation just gets in the way and makes you feel like it'd be impossible to put your heart out there again.

But no pain, no gain, right?

Or am I just walking down a road that's going to make me wince and cringe years from now...another addition to the painful, humiliation reel that sometimes plays in my mind?

I just don't want to seem pathetic.

Isn't that the real fear here?

2007-05-11T08:20:00.000-06:00

Ever feel like, even though you put yourself out there, trying to make things happen for a change, there are just some things you have no control over? Like you can't make someone like you and you can't make a company give you a chance by calling you in for an interview. Stuff like that.

Okay, there you go. That's the gist of the stuff that's been going on. "Same old, same old", right? But in the interest of a little positive thinking (for a change), maybe that's the wrong way to look at things. Maybe you should just throw caution to the wind and just hope for the best instead of always trying to prep yourself for the worst case scenario.

Maybe that was always my problem...seeing the glass half-full because I thought, knowing this ahead of time, it would cushion the blow if things didn't work out. But, hey, every time something doesn't go the way we really, really want them to, it still hurts like hell. Nothing really preps us for disappointment or pain...so what's the point of worrying, right?

2007-05-10T06:18:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile since I've updated here, but I've always been one of those people who like to jump back and forth between blogs. Someone emailed me recently and said it seemed like there was more that I was going through than I was actually writing about and he suggested that maybe blogging about it would help --- it's sort of like a cheap form of therapy.

I replied that I liked to compartmentalize and that this was probably the main reason there's more than one blog that I keep.

I started this one mainly because I got sick of writing in Livejournal. LJ, to me, is sort of like what Facebook is. You jump onto the site when it's popular and you kind of get caught up in the novelty of adding people to your "friends" list and swapping comments back and forth, but then, after awhile, it loses its novelty and you realize that what you mainly enjoyed was just writing for the sake of writing, not soliciting comments. (Though, sometimes, they're nice to have...when they're not one-liners that brilliantly declare, "Cool!" or "Me, too!" WTF is up with that?)

I'm wearing shoes that kind of hurt. I've never really worn them before and I have to admit I only bought them because The Best Friend got me a gift certificate for that store and the shoes were cute, but not necessarily the kinds I'd buy on my own. And now, walking is a huge pain. Thank God I'm sitting for most of the day and only need to hobble back to the subway station.

Anyways...the theme of my life in the last couple of weeks has been change --- adjusting to it, wanting it, dreading it, and just thinking about it. Sometimes, I think life would be easier if only we were told what the shape of our lives was supposed to look like. But maybe part of the "fun" is not knowing what's going to happen next.

Someone left a comment on one of my other blogs today and said, "If it's meant to happen, it'll happen." And the thing is, it's something I've been telling myself a lot lately. It's something I've been telling other people, too...but why has it been so hard to really accept it? Maybe because I'm not sure how I feel about fate/destiny? Maybe because I've always felt like you just have to make things happen?

I don't know...just repeating those words to myself, though, kind of reassures me.

If it's meant to happen, it'll happen.

2007-04-07T15:50:00.000-06:00

Is there anything more humiliating on reality TV than being on "The Bachelor"? (Okay, maybe if you try out to be on "Flavor of Love"...but seriously...looking for love on national TV's just low. And competeing for Flavor Flav is just...like, what the fuck is wrong with you???)

And okay, yeah, the new Bachelor, Andy Baldwin, is really easy on the eyes...but OMG...when that Asian girl got up and started singing to him, I just thought, "Why? Why must you embarrass our peeps this way?"

Seriously, girl, you've got a snowball's chance in hell.

I mean, let's get real here: if the guy didn't weed out most of the coloured folk in the first round, he's gonna do it in the second round. What he's going to wind up with is another whitey. Simple as that, man.

He probably didn't eliminate all of the coloured girls in the first round so as not to come off as a racist.

Not like Andrew Firestone, who kept it lily white right from the first round.

And the thing is, I hate how some of the girls get so upset when they're kicked out the door.

It's like, c'mon...he wasn't really going to be "the one" for you...and how can you really fall in love with someone in those surreal settings?

Real love's about being able to stand the person on a day-to-day basis, having to see all the warts and dealing with those days where there's nothing interesting to do and seeing if the other person drives you nuts, seeing them every damn day.

Maybe I should cut down on the amount of television I watch...though, seriously, I don't know what people do if they don't watch any TV at all, you know?

2007-04-03T17:16:00.001-06:00

I wasn't crazy about the assignment at first: take pictures to inspire you and then design an outfit based on one of the pictures.

But I loved the twist of swapping pictures and fabrics with another designer and forcing them to come up with something based on someone else's inspiration.

I just loved how Ben de Lisi said that the problem wasn't the fabric that Fatz wound up with --- but the way she was so stuck with the notion that it was ugly and that she couldn't work with it. He insisted that she needed to learn to see things in a different way.

"If it doesn't look right, then you have to start over again, otherwise the more you handle it, the worse it'll look."

The guy gives really great, constructive advice --- but he's a little too hands on when it comes to giving help. The judges had every right to grill three of the designers on how much help Ben gave them.

I actually really loved Shawla's baby doll dress --- even though she did copy Fatz...and I was a little disgusted by how unabashed she was about it. I mean, you're a designer. Friggin' design something for God's sake, instead of always sticking to what's safe and what you know.

But what really surprised me was how much I loved Wayne's dress, whch was inspired by a picture of an ice cream cone that Monika snapped.

It was just a really pretty dress that I'd love to wear.

Highlights from Julien McDonald for this episode:
"I think she looks hideous. She looks like the Jolly Green Giant. Why'd you make such a hideous thing?!"

He had a great point when he berated Fatz by pointing out that a client could come to you with a hideous fabric, but a good designer would rise above that challenge to make a great dress.

He went on to say, "And I'm just really disappointed that someone with your talent could make something that's such a load of shit."

(Did I mention how much I love this guy?)

2007-04-03T17:14:00.001-06:00

I know.

I'm bad.

I pull up the Youtube videos for Project Catwalk and keep it in a small corner of my computer monitor while I work.

I don't know why we can get away with watching Youtube at work, but not use MSN Messenger...though, MSN's kinda boring.

Actually, I find the whole Facebook thing really boring now, too.

One of my friends was like, "Yeah, but you've got to message people and then they'll message you back and that's what makes it cool."

Um, yeah. I'd rather just pick up the phone or directly email my friends and suggest a time to meet up rather than leave messages.

But anyways...

In episode five, the designers had to create a whole new look for another designer, which I thought was a really cool assignment. They've done the same thing before on Project Runway.

I didn't like Tyla with her whole, "I can't, I won't" attitude. She was paired up with Wayne and what I thought was really rich was when she and Shawla were in the bottom two and she was going on and on about how she doesn't make excuses like Shawla does, and yet, the next words out of her mouth were about how she'd never done menswear before and that she couldn't wrap her head around the assignment.

Um...pot, meet kettle.

Ever since catching that episode on Oprah about "The Secret", I've been seeing how it works in the negative. Like, when you keep going, "I can't, I won't", it's just confirming it, isn't it? Wasn't it Henry Ford who once said, "Whether you think you can or can't, you're probably right."

It's sort of like how one of my friends keeps saying, "How come all the crusty old men are always attracted to me?"

I told her, "It's because you're always thinking, 'crusty old men' and the universe is throwing them your way."

Julien McDonald highlights for episode 5:
"It looks like a little marshmallow...with a bigger marshmallow on it's head."

"Luisa, she looks like she's walked out of waiting tables at the local Thai restaurant. All she needs is a plate of prawn crackers to complete the look."

"She looks like she's just come out of a cheap council estate."

2007-04-02T17:17:00.001-06:00

When Ben de Lisi pauses in front of a closet door and says, "Here lies the Aladdin's cave" and then reveals all these shoes...OMG. I did a little squeal of my own.

If I was there, I would have clasped my hands together and did a little dance.

Ben de Lisi totally cracks me up. He's so over the top sometimes, the way he was bashing Monica's choice of accessories by holding both hands up and saying, "It's crazy! Cray-zeeeeeee!"

I loved how he melodramatically said, "I want this dress to be shit hot!"

I love Ben's little pep talks. I think he's a great mentor, actually. And yeah, I've said that before.

But what I love most about Project Catwalk is judge Julien McDonald.

I love how plain-speaking he is.

"I do believe this is the worst dress I've ever seen on Project Catwalk. I hate every single thing about it. There's not one thing I like."

And then later, he goes, "I just can't believe that designer made something that was just...so...shit, to be honest. I wouldn't put it on my worst enemy. I loathe it."

Or: "I've got a real problem with this dress. The more I look at it, the more I hate it!"

When another judge raves about a dress, he replies, "But I hate the colour. It looks like its been dragged out of a dirty pond."

You'd never hear Michael Kors or Nina Garcia talking like that.

Ah, such eloquence! Julien McDonald, I think I love you! I'd never wear any of your clothes, but I still love you anyway.

Thought this blurb from Wikipedia about McDonald was funny:
MacDonald was long considered "tacky" and unequal to the master cutters such as Mcqueen and Galliano. Indeed it is rumoured that his appointment to Givenchy after Mcqueen was greated with screams of hillarity at the Mcqueen studio.

He is not considered an "Artist" unlike Mcqueen and Galliano and makes commercial, non-conceptual fashion. He is often pictured with tacky celebrities such as Paris Hilton, who he recently asked to model for him. His participation in commertial programmes such as Project runway as a judge has been greated with horror from fashion insiders as he is commonly viewed as a designer with too little talent to judge young designers having had his own label and givenchy collections slaughtered by the press.

In February 2007, Macdonald was criticised for the prominent use of fur in his autumn collection, causing further outrage when he claimed that "People who don't like fur can p*ss off. I love fur. It's a beautiful natural product from animals."

I love how catty the show is --- especially when host Kelly Osbourne asks the designers, "Who do you think is the worst out of all of you?" Do they do that on Project Runway? I can't even remember now.

And okay --- I read the spoilers and everything, so I know that Luke's in the final three, but what the fuck was he thinking when he chose purples for a hat and purse that were in a cherise pink?? What a fuckin' nutter. And he didn't even buy enough of any one fabric to make a dress! What is he? Stupid?

And again...can I say how much I love the music selection they use? Loved the use of Keane's "Nothing In My Way" at the end.

Here's an article from Ryerson's school paper about the upcoming Canadian version of "Project Runway". I've got to say I'm really excited about it because I don't think Canadian fashion gets enough support in our country --- which is just a bloody shame.

Project Runway Canada scopes out Ryerson
Written by Vanessa Santilli

The fashion school is abuzz with excitement over the prospect that Project Runway Canada could be making its highly-anticipated debut at Ryerson.

Last week, screen tests were shot at Ryerson, professor John Freeman, Co-Chair of the School of Fashion said.
“They interviewed some candidates for the mentor role and shot them interacting with students,” he said.

Project Runway Canada, based on its US-counterpart of the same name, is a network television show that features aspiring fashion designers as they compete for the chance to be named Canada’s next “it” designer.

Administration is currently negotiating with the show about shooting at Ryerson.

“My impression is that the big stumbling block is space,” says Freeman. “They need more space for the runway," he said.

The other stumbling block is that the grand finale will be shot in October, which Freeman says might conflict with class schedules.

If Ryerson nabs the deal, filming would take place during the summer months, from May 28 to July 19, with the previously mentioned season finale to be shot in October, said Janet Mowat, Ryerson’s manager of public affairs.
Mowat said that having Project Runway Canada shot at Ryerson would be tremendous exposure for the School of Fashion.

“We’re known as the leading School of Fashion in Canada. Having the show filmed here would be a terrific opportunity to showcase it,” she said.

Cindy Chan, a first-year Radio and Television Arts (RTA) student, has been putting up posters promoting Fashion Runway Canada in the Rogers Communications Centre (RCC).

Chan said she is very excited about having the Canadian version of one of her favourite shows filmed on campus.
“It’d be fun to watch because everything would be so familiar to you,” she said.

One of the producers of Project Runway Canada is a graduate of the RTA program.

Freeman said that in addition to the producer’s loyalty to Ryerson, the school is being considered as “there is no other fashion school in Canada with the reputation that Ryerson has.”

2007-03-28T19:55:00.000-06:00

Is it just me or is Madonna's new line for H&M surprisingly tasteful?

The only downside to this whole new venture is that everybody's going to be buying her stuff and if there's anything I've started hating, it's looking like a cookie cutter version of everybody else.

I've been in this uncontrollable spending mood lately --- who knows? Maybe it has something to do with what happened last Monday.

I've always been a bit of an emotional spender.

I bought a cute white voil dress with Swiss dots on it. Didn't particularly need it, but wanted it, so I got it. Simple as that.

2007-03-24T10:11:00.000-06:00

So, I'm reading a friend of a friend's blog --- he wrote it down for me and asked me to check it out --- and I'm shaking my head and going, "Oh, no...."

I guess because you have no idea how I sound, you might not hear the groan, the sarcasm, the are-you-kidding-me? intonation injected into the "Oh, no..."

I know I keep saying this, but, man, that Beatles song, "Eleanor Rigby" with the haunting refrain, "All the lonely people...where do they all come from?" floats into my head every now and again.

My life is just one endless soundtrack...there's a song for every moment, every day, every person, every experience.

It's raining outside and it's one of those grey days where it'd be easy to sink further into a deep depression. But you know what? I feel okay today. I just don't feel like doing anything.

I'm listening to Green Day and lying on the couch, reading and feeling kinda sick.

That's the story of my life, isn't it?

I'm always feeling "sick"...though, if I were to probe a little further, I'd admit that it's more of this weird feeling at the pit of my stomach...like the sense that something's about to happen.

I don't put much stock in it anymore 'cause I always seem to feel like this, you know? Like something's always on the verge of happening...and I'm there, just waiting and waiting...and then nothing happens.

A friend of mine text messaged me this morning.

She finally broke up with her boyfriend --- the crazy, stalker psychopath guy.

Let's see if she'll be able to make it stick this time around.

Sometimes, I think we've come to this stage in life where...after being single for a long time and then finding someone, we get scared of going back to being single...and it's easier to be with someone you don't quite love simply because it feels like it's better to be with someone than no one at all.

2007-03-23T06:43:00.000-06:00

I'm kinda feeling barfy this morning.

Well...every morning for the past week, I've woken up and dry heaved into the sink. Today I actually threw up and it oddly made me feel a little better.

Yeah, so I think that it's better for me to dial things back a bit, 'cause I feel like I'm a little too open and honest and blabbermouth-like when it comes to things in my life. It gets embarrassing when things don't work out.

*sigh*

I don't know.

When JM called last night, I just didn't feel like getting into anything and I was sort of distracted when she was telling me about how she'd finally met her boyfriend's mother.

I should be happy for her, right?

Then how come all I feel is nothing (except the urge to barf all the time)?

You want to know what the weirdest thing is? It's not like I feel depressed and unhappy. I just feel like...nothing.

It's a weird state to be in.

I mean, I haven't even had anything to bitch and moan about in my other journal...and usually, I always have something to bitch and moan about.

I was listening to this song the other night --- I'm almost embarrassed to mention it, but it was from that Canadian Idol winner, Melissa O'Neill, and it was her first single.

I actually found myself listening to it and thinking, "Yeah. She makes sense. You've just got to put yourself out there, 'cause even if you fall down, at least you'll know you tried."

I don't know.

Maybe I'm seriously cracking up.

2007-03-20T07:41:00.000-06:00

God kicked you in the head
So I started a fight
Cause I knew I was right
But I learned I was wrong
- "Live and Learn", The Cardigans

So.

You ever wake up some mornings and it's like you feel you've been stripped clean of every feeling and thought you've ever had? And it's like you're so apathetic about everything that you'd almost mistake it for another bout of depression...except it doesn't really feel like depression.

I know. I'm not making any sense whatsoever.

You know what sucks? When everybody around you is like, "Are you okay?" and just handling you with kid gloves 'cause they think you're going to go postal or something, when in reality, you just feel like you're too bored, too apathetic, too blah to do anything today.

2007-03-19T08:50:00.000-06:00

Can't get this song out of my head. I guess it doesn't help that I'm playing it over and over again, either.

Not that it has any bearing on anything that's going on in my life right now.

Though, if things turn out badly at the end of the day, I might be tempted to head straight to the liquor store and stock up and put vodka into my water bottle at work. But one mustn't turn to alcohol to solve one's problems.

Cousin D came over Saturday night and found me wearing mismatched socks, a ratty green housecoat and purple pajamas. I hadn't been drinking, but all day, all I really felt like doing was just lying there like a bump on a log.

"It's okay. We're family," he said.

So, maybe what I wrote in my one livejournal update last week was a lie: that things were surprisingly oky.

Or, maybe things are okay and I'm just falling into that old pattern of expecting the worst, you know? Constantly dreading things 'cause it's like that's just how it goes.

Ah, but that's contrary to what "The Secret" is all about, isn't it?

Speaking of which, there was an article about "The Secret" yesterday and it kind of had this undercurrent of, "This is so shite. It doesn't make any sense." And a part of me thought, "If people want to believe in this shite, why don't we just let them instead of ragging on it. People need something to believe in and cling to...it doesn't do anybody harm to be a little more positive in their lives."

2007-03-15T17:30:00.000-06:00

I don't like saying goodbye...not because I'm sentimental. God, no. I just find it awkward, you know?

I just feel like most people are bullshitting themselves when they claim that they want to keep in touch and that they're going to miss you.

The thing is...we're not really friends. When you work with somebody and have to see them every day, you sort of lull yourself into thinking you're friends...but the real test comes after you leave your job and then you get to see if you stay in each other's lives or not.

Some make that successful transition...most don't.

I think it's mostly because people are just really fucking lazy, you know? Like they forget that friendship takes work, just like in any other relationship.

Anyways...

Here's a question...why do some people think it's weird when two people of the opposite sex become friends...and one of them happens to be married?

Personally, I think it works best when you're just totally not physically attracted to each other...like you wouldn't even consider them if you were desperate.

Yeah. I know. That sounds mean.

Onto other stuff...is it pathetic that the new Grey's Anatomy episode is, like, one of the highlights of my week so far? Well...let's see how tomorrow goes and then we'll talk.

2007-03-13T19:37:00.000-06:00

You know what? Dare I say it? I actually think Project Catwalk is better than Project Runway.

First off? I love the music choices...I mean, I never really notice the music selection when I'm watching Project Runway, but with Project Catwalk, I actually feel like jotting down all the song titles and then mixing a CD based on those songs.

Secondly...the designers on the show are more outspoken --- and so is their mentor, Ben De Lisi. Holy crap...I love him! There's something so wonderfully melodramatic about him.

Actually, everybody on this season seems really melodramatic. Like, what the fuck is up with that Australian chick, Monica, who decided to totally do her own thing and not follow the brief to design a bikini.

One minute, she's going on and on about how she's the trendsetter and she doesn't care what anybody thinks, and the next thing you know, you cut to her sobbing in front of the camera as she talks about how sick she is of certain people.

I loved how Wayne says in that deadpan way of his: "She should just leave --- because people are sick of her."

I just think that most of the designers would have done better if they'd actually listened to their mentor...I mean, the guy has 20 years of experience.

And how can you not love judge Julien MacDonald? When he tells Monica that her ego is as big as her body, I actually winced. It was just so mean...he makes Simon Cowell look nice...but you know what? When Monica got all lippy with him, I loved his smart comeback: "Yes, well, I've actually made it in this business."

2007-03-13T06:58:00.000-06:00

I fully realize how crazy this sounds, but I was a little disappointed the fire alarm was a false alarm.

How stupid is it that we have to sit here and wait for instructions before we can leave the building? Okay, maybe not that stupid. I mean, it could be a false alarm like it was a little bit earlier.

God, I just don't want to be at work today.

I can tell it's going to be one of "those" days.

You know how, in "The Secret" they talk about how you need to control your thoughts and turn them into positive ones instead of letting your bad mood just spiral out of control?

Yeah...well, that's not so easy when you feel like you could do with a couple more hours of sleep and you're just sick and tired of this place.

Great.

Another email popped up from N.

Labelling it a co-dependent friendship would be a misnomer since she's the one who doesn't seem to have any other friends except for me. Is there really something about me that attracts needy, dependent people into my life? What role do they serve in my life beyond making me want to become a hermit?

Okay, that's not true. I have no desire to be a hermit.

2007-03-13T06:24:00.000-06:00

This Daylight Savings Time is seriously screwing with me.

Okay, it's just an hour, but you know what? Even though the time on my computer now says 8:25 a.m., I know it's really 7:25 a.m.

Oh, and my desk kind of smells -- as in, I got to work and discovered my lunch leaking and that taint of a food smell has now soaked its way into my makeup bag, which I promptly washed out.

Actually, I wiped down my whole desk with Lysol wipes right afterwards and then went crazy spritzing perfume in the problem areas.

And now, I can still smell it. Or...I think I can still detect a trace of it and I have to suppress the urge to surreptitiously sniff various surfaces like some bloodhound. Either that or get somebody else to stand in my desk area and see if there's anything weird smelling about it.

I have this thing about bad smells --- you'd be surprised at how many people don't have a thing about bad smells. But whether it's body odour, bad breath, dirty hair or just anything that indicates you don't bathe on a regular basis, I can't stand it. And the thought of smelling like that myself is one of my fears. (I won't say "greatest fear" because I made that mistake of declaring that bad breath was my greatest, all-time fear, and that just made me come off looking like some nut case.)

Great.

The fire alarm.

2007-03-12T06:18:00.000-06:00

It seems you can be an attractive, successful actress and still feel like you're nowhere near where you thought you'd be in your life --- romantically-speaking that is.

I don't know if this makes me feel any better, though.

You just get to a point, you know, where you have to wonder, "When is it all going to change? When is that next stage in my life going to begin?"

NEW YORK (AP) - Kate Walsh has something in common with the sexy neonatal surgeon she plays on ABC's hit medical drama "Grey's Anatomy": love issues.

"Sometimes I feel like, 'What am I doing? Am I becoming my character, or is my character becoming me?' " she says in an interview in Best Life magazine's April issue. "I'm starting to get a little superstitious here. I definitely identify with my character in that, romantically at least, this is not where I thought I'd be at 39."

Okay, I have to admit that I was a little disappointed that the annoying Mirna and Charla managed to make it in seventh, beating out Rob and Amber on last night's "Amazing Race."

Say what you will about Rob and Amber but I thought they were extremely smart competitors (up until that moment where Rob misspells "Philippines" as "Phillipeans"...who doesn't know how to spell The Philippines???...well, obviously, Rob...) and I think the reason they got labelled "annoying" and "irritating" time and time again by fellow competitors and even by TV critics was because nobody really likes to see someone do too well.

We think it's unfair...which is such a stupid thing to think, 'cause really, whoever said that life was supposed to be fair, anyway?

What I thought was so incredibly stupid was when they got letters from fellow competitors from their original season and Rob opened a letter from mother-and-son team, Susan and Patrick, which went on to be this incredibly juvenile, insulting letter about how they really hoped that Rob and Amber were doing poorly, blah blah blah.

To Patrick and Susan:
You exhibit poor sportsmanship and taste. Your letter clearly displays you have no class and a startling inability to behave in a civil fashion. Just look at the letter Alabama wrote to the Beauty Queens --- and those two teams hated each other.

Really, there's nothing left to say except: shame on you.

I just really hope that Eric and Danielle don't win --- it'd be like the time that Freddy and Kendra won.

Sure, maybe Freddy deserved the million dollars after he ate his own barf, but Kendra? She's the epitome of every snobby, popular girl from back in high school.

As for Danielle...OMG. It's clear that Eric's really only with her because of those two gigantic flotation devices attached to her chest.

Now, that's a match made in...well, I don't know where.

I don't think they'll last.

I just think money in the hands of people sorel lacking in intelligence and taste is just such a waste.

2007-03-11T10:02:00.001-06:00

My former managing editor used to talk about how loudly he snored and why he thought separate bedrooms were a good idea.

At the time, I thought, "Isn't it really because your ex-wife couldn't stand having to wake up every goddamn morning only to look over at you and realize what a huge mistake she'd made?"

Yeah.

I hold grudges.

I'm the type of person who'll probably go to my grave hating certain people.

It's not really healthy.

I'm working on it.

Anyways, came across this New York Times article about separate bedrooms and I actually thought it was a good idea. Nevermind the fact that I'm currently not in a relationship.

I mean, I guess most people would just automatically assume that there's something wrong with the relationship if you're sleeping in separate bedrooms...but what if the other person snores or hogs the blankets or kicks or talks in their sleep or sleepwalks or...whatever?

March 11, 2007

To Have, Hold and Cherish, Until Bedtime

By TRACIE ROZHON

Not since the Victorian age of starched sheets and starchy manners, builders and architects say, have there been so many orders for separate bedrooms. Or separate sleeping nooks. Or his-and-her wings.

In interviews, couples and sociologists say that often it has nothing to do with sex. More likely, it has to do with snoring. Or with children crying. Or with getting up and heading for the gym at 5:30 in the morning. Or with sending e-mail messages until well after midnight.

In a survey in February by the National Association of Home Builders, builders and architects predicted that more than 60 percent of custom houses would have dual master bedrooms by 2015, according to Gopal Ahluwalia, staff vice president of research at the builders association. Some builders say more than a quarter of their new projects already do.

What could be called the home-sleeping-alone syndrome is not limited to the wealthy. For middle-income homeowners, it may be a matter of moving into a spare bedroom, the recreation room or the den. In St. Louis, Lana Pepper, a light sleeper who battled for years with her husband’s nocturnal restlessness, reconfigured the condominium they bought recently, adding walls to create separate bedrooms. Mrs. Pepper said the advantage to separate rooms was obvious: “My husband is still alive. I would have killed him.”

“It was more than snoring,” she said, recounting the bad old days of a shared bed. “He cannot have his feet tucked into any of the covers; I have to have them tucked in. So I took all the linens and split them with scissors. Then I finished the edge so that half of the sheet would tuck under and the other half he could kick out.”

That did not help his snoring, so she bought a white noise machine; she even went to a shooting range to buy “a pair of those big ear guards they wear.” They did not suit her.

According to the National Sleep Foundation in Washington, 75 percent of adults frequently either wake in the night or snore — and many have taken to separate beds just for those reasons. In a report issued Tuesday, the foundation found that more than half the women surveyed, ages 18 to 64, said they slept well only a few nights a week; 43 percent believed their lack of sleep interfered with the next day’s activities.

Stephanie Coontz, director of public education for the Council of Contemporary Families in Chicago, said many couples she interviewed were “confident enough that they have a nice marriage, but they don’t particularly like sleeping in the same room.”

“I don’t think it says anything about their sex lives,” Ms. Coontz said.

Mrs. Pepper, 60, who co-founded St. Louis’s annual Shakespeare festival, takes her sleeping seriously. On her nightstand is an arsenal of remote controls: for the adjustable bed, the television, the lights, the humidifier and the DVD player. Her mattress is made from a foam developed by NASA that rests in a four-poster frame under a skylight.

At Escala, a condominium project in Seattle, a quarter of the 270 units have double master bedrooms, said John Midby, a partner in the development. In St. Louis County, Dennis Hayden, president of Hayden Homes, said that each of the 30 detached homes in his latest planned community would have two separate-but-equal bedroom suites.

Kristen Scott, an architect in Seattle, said about one-third of her empty nester clients asked for separate bedrooms, which can cost a few thousand dollars to more than $100,000. In Honolulu, Nancy Peacock, an architect, said her clients increasingly requested “punees,” as daybeds are known in Hawaii — sometimes on the lanai, the covered porch of the house.

In St. Louis, Carol Wall, president of Mitchell Wall Architects, said that three or four years ago her company began “doing a lot of these little rooms off the master bedroom where the snorer would go.” More recently, couples, including some in their 30s, have started asking for two master suites, “and we don’t ask any questions,” Ms. Wall said.

Not everyone wants to talk about it. Many architects and designers say their clients believe there is still a stigma to sleeping separately. Some developers say it is a delicate issue and call the other bedroom a “flex suite” for when the in-laws visit or the children come home from college. Charles Brandt, an interior designer in St. Louis, said, “The builder knows, the architect knows, the cabinet maker knows, but it’s not something they like to advertise because right away people will think something is wrong” with the marriage.

An interior designer in Chicago moved into her son’s bedroom when he went off to college. “Separate bedrooms are de rigueur for us,” she said, adding that she and her husband sleep together on the weekends. The couple asked that their names not be published.

Fred Tobin, a builder in North Canton, Ohio, is friends of a prominent couple in Columbus whose house was remodeled with two master bedrooms. The wife sleeps on one side of the house, the husband on the other. “It’s a hush-hush thing,” Mr. Tobin said. “The husband travels a lot, all the time, and he comes home late, and he wants to be able to check his e-mail and go to bed without waking her up.”

The move to separate sleeping spaces is yet another manifestation of changing marital patterns.

“Couples today are writing their own script, rewriting how to have a marriage,” said Pamela J. Smock, a University of Michigan sociologist. “The growing need for separate bedrooms also represents the speed-up of family life — women’s roles have changed — and the need for extra space eases the strain on the relationship. If one of them snores, the other one won’t be able to perform the next day. It’s nothing to do with social class, and it’s not necessarily indicative of marital discord.”

Nevertheless, Professor Smock said husbands were less willing to change familiar patterns.

“Men are supposed to be one, dominant, and two, sexual,” she said. “Their wives might be thrilled to have their own bedroom, and see it as a romantic thing — going back to their romance, going back to dating, to intimacy, but the husband might not see it that way.

“As a social pattern, this could increase,” she continued. “A lot of people I know fantasize about living in the same apartment building as their husband — but in a separate apartment. That could be next.”

Paul C. Rosenblatt, a professor in the department of family and social science at the University of Minnesota, has studied couples who sleep separately, and wrote a book last year on the challenges and benefits, “Two in a Bed: The Social System of Couple Bed Sharing.” To him, a large part of the phenomenon has to do with aging. Many of those Professor Rosenblatt surveyed, like the Chicago couple, split into separate bedrooms when their children grew up.

“It’s suddenly available,” he said, “and if you have trouble sleeping you go into the kid’s room and find you slept better than with your partner.”

But some of the people he studies still want a place to cuddle. “In my research, couples had separate places for their sleeping arrangements but also had a together place,” he said. “Some do their cuddling before going their separate ways.”

Occasionally, the need to separate does have to do with sex. Professor Rosenblatt said one older woman he interviewed said she had her own bedroom because, “I’ve paid my dues. I’m old enough that I don’t want to have sex at 1 a.m.”

No matter what the reasons, architects and builders say they know enough not to call them “master” bedrooms anymore.

“Women are buying more homes, and women are sensitive to that terminology of the ‘master suite,’ and they’re opting for the term ‘owners’ suite,’ ” said Barbara Slavkin, an interior designer in St. Louis.

Dale Mulfinger, an architect in Minneapolis, said, “How about ‘couples’ realms’?”

Whatever you call them, they certainly seem to suit the Peppers, the St. Louis couple who reconfigured their new condominium to give them each a sleeping sanctuary.

Ted Pepper’s room, lined with a bank of windows that open onto a rooftop terrace, has none of the sleeping paraphernalia — the sound machine, the sleeping mask — found in his wife’s room. The only evidence of his sleep habits is the twisted knot of sheets and blankets on his bed.

“Now, there’s a demonstration,” said Mr. Pepper, 67, gesturing toward the swirl of bedding and chuckling. “She’d wake up if I moved even a little.”

The Peppers agree: separate bedrooms have added spice to their relationship. “It’s more exciting,” Mrs. Pepper said, “when you can say: ‘Your room or mine?’ ”

Reporting was contributed by Malcolm Gay in St. Louis, Christopher Maag in Cleveland, Claudia Rowe in Seattle and Katie Zezima in Boston.

2007-03-09T06:19:00.000-07:00

Reconnected with an old friend from elementary school last night and it was like we'd just seen each other the day before. Sometimes, you meet up with someone from your past and it's weird and awkward, but the way we were talking a mile a minute, it was like we were still 12 years old.

Weird, huh?

Someone from Moorabin, Australia used to regularly visit my other journal. And then I stopped updating there for awhile because some guy would occassionally leave these annoying comments. Oh, and I kind of do that every now and again. Drop one blog, start another, or switch back and forth.

It's weird how you get used to seeing something...like that one line every day that says someone from Moorabin, Australia is reading your blog.

And then when it disappears, it's like, "Hmmm...I kinda miss that."

Normally, I hate forwards, but this one I found pretty funny:

Letter to Proctor & Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you ***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness -is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull***. And that's a promise I will keep...

Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

2007-03-08T06:15:00.000-07:00

You ever have one of those mornings where you just feel like...like you're not okay, but you can't put your finger on why you're not okay. It's not that you're sad or angry or irritated...you're just not happy.

Who knows? Maybe it's a bit of boredom, too...and maybe a touch of fear that maybe things will always stay the same and nothing will ever move forward.

See, the thing is, even though listening to those people on Oprah talk about "The Secret" was kind of inspiring, it just feels so bloody hard to lift yourself out of a blah mood and to stop yourself from thinking, "I don't want to do this. I don't want to be here."

I always think about that Gwyneth Paltrow movie, "Sylvia", and that one scene where she's talking to a friend and you can tell she's in this really bad place in her mind. It's just the way she talks, you know? That dull acceptance of how weary her life is...it's so different from just being depressed, because it's like this whole other layer of defeat.

I guess I'm not really making all that much sense right now.

I just have to keep telling myself that it's just one bad day...just one bad day to get through...

2007-03-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

Shit!!

I totally forgot that season two of Project Catwalk started last night on the Life Network...er, "Slice" as it's now called.

A quick check on YouTube reveals that it's actually on there! Yay!!!

You know, I don't really give a shit if Project Catwalk is a rip-off of Project Runway. I don't even care that Tim Gunn isn't in Project Catwalk --- when it comes down to it, if you love fashion, then you love this show.

I mean, dare I say it? I actually think Ben De Lisi is a fitting choice as mentor simply because he is a designer...whereas, Tim is not.

That's not to say I don't love him, but I think Ben's great as a mentor, too.

I totally cracked up when he shrieked in that New York accent, "She's not going to wear a dress with velcro! What is she? A stripper???"

Is it just me or does judge Julien MacDonald seem to have more hair this season? I mean, I could have sworn he had a bit of that male pattern baldness going on last season and I actually felt really bad for him because you could see his hair thinning out all over.

I mean, I don't think he'd be so tacky as to wear a wig...would he???

I don't like Kelly Osbourne as the new host. I thought Elizabeth Hurley had a lot more class and style. What does Kelly Osbourne know about fashion? If you're going to have a host for a show like this, at least choose someone who's in the business!

She looks like a little kid --- totally out of her league here with the hosting duties.

Though...I have to admit she looked adorable, all fresh-faced and with that cute blonde do when she had the designers choose their models.

I kind of miss Elizabeth Hurley's, "Fashion has no mercy" at the end of each show. Kelly has opted, instead, to say, "You are fashion's victim."

Okayyyyyyy.........

The first challenge was pretty interesting: designing an outfit for some socialite (someone I've never heard of, seeing as I'm Canadian and it seems like Canadians don't really have big name socialites...either that, or I'm completely in the dark about stuff like that) using the outfits they wore the night before.

God, she was a bitch, though, when she was making comments.

I'm glad Kelly chastized Julien when she said, "We're here to judge the outfits, not the models."

2007-03-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

According to H, it's nothing but a game --- and a game that you have to wise up to.

I was telling him about my firm rule of not taking things past the third date if I don't see any potential in a person. What's the point, right? And it's only something I've wised up to in the last year or two.

I'm getting older and I don't want to waste my time anymore --- but at the same time, I don't want to let on that this is how I feel. I mean, it's just guaranteed to send a guy running for the hills, you know?

H was telling me about how he'll usually wait about a week before he calls up a girl again --- just to add a bit of mystery and to keep her guessing, he said.

"It's all a game," he kept teling me.

I understand that. I really do. C, apparently, doesn't. She claims she's been out of the game for so long that she doesn't know what the hell's going on anymore.

Like this "waiting game" that I insist on playing. She's afraid if I wait too long, I'll wind up missing out on a good thing.

But shouldn't you hold back and wait just a little when it comes to someone who's just recently come out of a relationship?

Sometimes, I really second guess myself. I'll think one thing and then think, "Maybe I'm wrong."

And then I think things to death.

Wrote an overly long email about it to my best friend last night.

Remember when there was all of that crap in the news about how people thought Oprah and her best friend Gayle were gay? I thought that was so stupid, but I think women have stronger bonds with each other than men do. I mean, we can be the cattiest bitches to each other, but at the same time, we can be the best of friends.

Anyways...it's always a little weird when something happens and she's not around for me to tell all of it to.

Life seems a little empty without a best friend in it.

Anyways, I discovered a really good blog yesterday. The writer had visited my other journal and in turn, I decided to check out her blog. It was really good, even though she'd only done two posts. It's all about dating and whatnot and I actually find myself relating to a lot of the things she says.

2007-03-04T08:50:00.000-07:00

So, according to AskMen.com, women give terrible relationship advice and men should perfect the art of blowing off a girl.

Great.

I don't know why I'm even reading this. It's just making me feel like, "You know what? Let's not bother with this. Future spinsterhood, here I come!"

I don't know...maybe they're onto something, though. Sometimes, when my female friends are giving me advice, I sort of feel like I can't really trust what they're saying.

Like Samantha on Sex and the City said to Carrie, "Honey, we're as fucked up as you are. It's like the blind leading the blind."

So far, what I've been doing is this: nothing. Okay. That's not true. I've been trying assess the situation. You don't want to chase after someone who's just gotten out of a relationship. But how long do you wait? And how do you carefully lay down the groundwork so that you're seen as someone they should seriously consider dating?

I don't know.

Here's the article:

Why Women Give Bad Dating Advice

Have you ever noticed that the worst advice you get about winning women over usually comes from women themselves? Women are famous for not knowing what they want.

They say they want a nice guy, but follow jerk-offs like lemmings. They say they want flowers, poems and gifts, but get turned off if the wrong guy sends them a birthday card.

Clearly, they don't understand their needs or their triggers.

Follow these hints and you'll soon learn to wade through the deluge of useless feminine advice to find the real nuggets of wisdom.

advice to make more friends

The female friends in your life will often tell you to lay all your feelings out on the table. "Tell her how you feel," "Be a nice guy" and "Don't sleep with her right away."

Their advice will get you more girl friends, but sadly, no bedmates.

They mean well, but truth be told, they're setting you up to look like a chump. Because when you play Mr. Nice Guy and open all her doors and sleep on the couch, you're not making a lover -- you're making a friend. And a boring one at that! Your female buddies might think they're helping you out, but they're really just sending another hapless calf off to slaughter.

even mom doesn't get it

"Just be yourself" sounds nice when mom says it, doesn't it? And we know she wants the best for us, but we need to a draw a distinction in this piece of advice. Don't just be yourself, please yourself. That means going after the woman you want and being open about your motives, with no apologies!

Simply "being" is not enough; you need to be a man of action. Mom can't give good advice until she lets go of her image of you as a "nice little boy."

ex-girlfriends suck

We have to be wary of the exes' "tips," as these characters will either tell you what you want to hear to get you to move on, or they'll wreck your chances of replacing them. Ex-girlfriends will tell you things like, "The harder you look, the less you find," and "Maybe you shouldn't date anyone for a while."

This is hardly any consolation to a depressed, horny guy. And I defy you to find me an ex-girlfriend who wants you to start dating a girl who is much hotter than she is. Your exes can't give good advice because their egos are involved.

Gurus suck, so you gotta make sure you know what women want...

female self-help gurus

A quick read through internet sites and self-help books reveals an unsettling trend: Following the advice of self-dubbed gurus actually weakens your power in the dating game. Many of these self-help coaches dish out tips like "Be more sensitive to her needs" and "Be romantic." Their advice seems to focus on men changing themselves to suit women's needs, all the while ignoring their own. Yeah, I don't think so.

They'll tell you communication is more important than wealth or looks. But if you open up and give away all your desires, dreams and fears, don't expect your woman to hang around for too long. If you're not mysterious, you're no longer a challenge, and she will move on.

One popular female dating coach tells men to fill in any awkward silences by delivering a compliment. Now come on; any experienced player knows to give compliments sparingly, if at all. You can't inflate their heads with insincere compliments just because you ran out of things to say. They have to earn the compliments.

Another dating pundit advises men be to be decisive because indecisive men won't be able to handle a wife and family. Is it possible to raise the stakes any higher? Jeez, talk about pressure.

And these experts say to always have plans on a date, forgetting that predictable men turn women off faster than The Clapper. The secret is to prepare for a date (such as making a reservation at a restaurant), but make it appear spontaneous and fun.

The truth is that the "experts" can't get down and dirty because their loyalties are not to you, but to the women you are trying to chase. By sabotaging guys, they make life easier for the ladies.

women's utter confusion

Sometimes you even muster up the courage to ask a girl what she wants, what attracts her and what turns her on. However, this straight-up approach usually gets you a less-than-straight answer. You might get a list of qualities, like "nice, romantic, generous, polite, listens more than he talks, financially secure, remembers birthdays, and appreciates the finer things" -- qualities that have been glaringly absent in her last five boyfriends.

When women discuss what they want in a man, remember that they might not be fully aware of what really turns them on.

chuck bad female advice

Precious few females encourage men to snag women with a combination of cockiness and a biting sense of humor. Some of the better advice includes not needing to spend too much money on a date, and developing and exuding authentic confidence.

The best dating advice women can give you is to be honest, assertive and respectful, but not to roll over and act like a wimp. Always hold a little something back.

If you heed bad female dating wisdom, you'll be a very confused and uncertain man. Don't be that guy. Women want challenging, confident, mystery-engulfed men. Unfortunately, they are often unwilling or unable to tell you. Or maybe they're unwilling to face it.

2007-03-04T08:08:00.000-07:00

When K was quoting Charlotte from Sex and the City, I had a moment of, "Why does this still seem like we're in grade school?"

"It takes half the time you were together to get over someone," she said.

So what happens if the person was on-and-off with the person for over a year?

The Best Friend noted, "Guys tend to mentally check out of a relationship long before they actually end things."

You know...I think things were easier when he was still unavailable. Now that's he's recently single, I'm getting bombarded with this one question: "What are you going to do?"

Truthfully? I was going to do nothing.

I don't want to be anybody's rebound person.

And another thing is...when you've been burned and after all of this time, you're still a little bitter, still a little hurt, and still a little walking wounded, it's just really tough to want to hang your hopes on anything.

But maybe that's me.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm more than a little jaded and cynical.

Sometimes, I get this sense of, "Time is fleeting. Do something now. Do it before it's too late and this becomes something you regret." And other times, I think, "Well, what if he's not into me?"

Maybe I've read, "He's Just Not That Into You" one too many times.

Yes, that book is mostly common sense, but sometimes, reading those words of common sense just hammers something into you that's not really sticking.

The Best Friend has this theory: if a guy likes you, he'll let you know. Doesn't matter how shy he is. If he doesn't make any sort of move, he's just not that into you. Simple as that.

So, there's no point in trying to decode what a look or a comment or an email means because it means nothing. If a guy's interested, he will let you know in some shape or form.

There's no sense in trying to make excuses like, "He's just shy" or "Maybe he's afraid of rejection" or "I've been sending him mixed signals too."

Which, by the way, everybody says I have.

I don't know what's wrong with me, really.

You know what I don't like about myself? It's the fact that I think too much about these kinds of things...and then feel the need to analyze it to death. What's there to analyze? Nothing's happened.

Now that he's single, I'm so busy trying to play it cool, like I'm not interested, that I wind up looking totally disinterested.

One time, when I was talking with someone, he passed by and said hi and I completely ignored him.

*sigh*

Don't say it. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with me, either.

And what do you think about dating co-workers, anyway? Is it too messy to even contemplate? What if it doesn't work out?

Maybe I'm jumping too far ahead.

One thing a couple of friends have asked repeatedly is this: "What if you guys get together and you discover he's not who you thought he was?"

I don't know.

Right now, I feel like I'm just on the fence, sitting there, trying to decide if I should hop down and which direction I should go.

How's that for opening up in a post instead of writing about inane shit for a change?

2007-03-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

Five hours.

That's how much time I spent commuting back and forth to work throughout the snowstorm.

I still get pretty annoyed just thinking about it.

Since I wrote about what happened in Facebook, it's probably a good idea not to write aobut it here.

On another note...I did curl my hair today in an attempt to try and do something different with it. (It looks horrible, by the way. Mostly because I have that really straight Asian hair.)

Lately, I feel like I've been spending a little too much time thinking about a certain someone and I feel like I'm back in grade school, even though this has mostly been a slow burn where the more you get to know someone, the more you start thinking how great and wonderful they are.

And then...well, that's all you can really think about.

I don't know...the difference now is that...I actually feel hesitant to talk about things because...well, even though that's all I really ever want to talk about or think about, I do kind of realize that if things don't work out, I don't want to have to go around pretending I'm okay. Yeah, it's not the end of the world, but why does it feel like it is?

Maybe I shouldn't be thinking so negative.

Maybe that's my problem all along...I always expect things to fall apart and maybe that's why they do.

It's weird when you meet someone and you can just sense that this could be something...and that, if you didn't risk putting yourself out there, you'd regret it for the rest of your life.

It's been seven months since I first met him. And now, a part of me is thinking, "Isn't it time to stop worrying about all the what ifs? Just go for it."

2007-03-01T13:27:00.000-07:00

There's a blizzard brewing outside.

Okay. Maybe not so much a blizzard, but let's just say it's snowing really hard.

The other day, they were having this discussion on CFRB about how it's kind of sad that we turn the weather into big news, but when you're living in Canada, the weather kinda is big news, you know?

I'm debating whether I should just get up and leave now.

A part of me is paranoid that someone will say something...like I'll have to make up time or something. They're big on that here. Making up time...'cause if you leave early, you don't get paid unless you make up the time. Simple as that.

Pricks.

The other day, one of my friends said, "Well, you're just paranoid."

It kind of bugged me that this was how she viewed me. Though, to be perfectly fair, some of the things I say would logically lead someone into believing I'm paranoid.

Fuck it. I'm going to duck out early.

2007-03-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

Why is it always the gross ones?

Okay, according to "The Secret", if you keep focusing on stuff like that, then more gross guys will come into your life. Remember: think positively. (That's actually hard work, 'cause I catch myself thinking, "Oh, there I go again. If you think life's crap, then you're just going to get more crap flying into your face.")

Anyway, discovered that The Great Unwashed One might have a crush on me.

I'm not exaggerating when I call him "The Great Unwashed One." What grown man doesn't shower everyday? And hey, buddy, laughing over the fact that you have bath days (and not as in, "Every other day is a shower day") is something you might not want to advertise or be proud of. People, in general, find that kind of thing gross.

Why do some people think it's "mean" when I say, "Ew, gross" because I don't like someone. So...what? If you think someone's disgusting, you're not supposed to say anything mean about them at all? Okay. Okay. I know what you're thinking: if you've got nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all.

Yeah...I don't work that way. I have no filter sometimes. I will usually say what's on my mind. And what's worse is that everything I'm thinking usually plays out across my face.

That's why Jim Halpert on "The Office" reminds me of me.

2007-02-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

I have an enormous pimple on my face.

I'm 28 and I still get zits.

I think it's worse when your skin is otherwise relatively clear and you've just got that one big honkin' zit right smack dab in the middle of your face. Though...it's really more like on the left, not so much the centre. But the point is, no amount of makeup is going to cover that thing 'cause it just comes off as this bump on your face that wasn't there the day before...or maybe it was but it's just bigger today and more noticeable.

And maybe the smart thing to do would be to leave it and let it go away on its own instead of maybe aggravating the situation further by adding makeup onto it, but at 28, you'd think your body would just cut you a break already and leave the zits behind.

You know what I realized today?

I was going to complain about doctors and nurses wearing their scrubs out in public, but I realized I'd complained about that before. I wonder if I maybe complain too much. It's such a way of life with me now. And that's not good, right? I mean, those are just steps away from becoming an ornery, crochety old woman that kids run away from.

I don't know.

The last couple of days haven't been good ones. You just wake up and it's like you're moving around in a fog, you know? It's not so much that you're having a bad day...just a day that seems pointless.

When N called yesterday, I didn't even bother answering. I didn't care who it was on the other end. I just pretended I didn't hear the phone ringing because I just didn't feel like talking to anybody --- especially when, people always seem to think something's wrong just because you don't feel like talking to anybody or doing anything or seeing anyone.

Some days, you just want to be left alone, you know?

Maybe it's the depression kicking in again.

I think I need to go on vacation.

2007-02-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

I have three younger sisters.

Technically, I should call them: Sister 1, Sister 2, and Sister 3. But I consider myself Sister 1, so that bumps all the numbers down.

A typical email exchange between Sister 2 and me.

-----Original Message-----
From: Sister 2
Sent: February 26, 2007 11:16 AM
To: Me
Subject:

remember i told you about the psychic that predicted a lot of stuff that
came true? here is her website, and she was featured in a lot of other
news/entertainment sites as well. she had also predicted anna nicole
smith was going to die.

http://www.nikki-psychictothestars.com/predictions.html

she predicts a terrorist attack in toronto.

----- Original Message ----
From: Me
To: Sister 2
Sent: Monday, February 26, 2007 11:22:12 AM
Subject: RE:

OMG. She says there's going to be a cure for acne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Sister 2
Sent: February 26, 2007 11:25 AM
To: Me
Subject: Re:

i wonder how many of her predictions come true. i'm sure a lot of them
don't.. though i read in an interview she did and she said sometimes
what she predicts can span up to 2 years for it to happen.

toronto and new york are supposed to get a giant snowstorm.. all i could
think about is not having to come into work.

she predicts leonardo dicaprio is going to be kidnapped, HAHAHA..i
wonder if that will actually happen.

----- Original Message ----
From: Me
To: Sister 2
Sent: Monday, February 26, 2007 11:29:21 AM
Subject: RE:

I just hope the terrorist attacks don't happen in Toronto. That's all I
care about. Oh, and the cure for acne.

Sometimes, I want to go to a psychic just to find out what's going to
happen in my own life.

-----Original Message-----
From: Sister 2
Sent: February 26, 2007 11:45 AM
To: Me
Subject: Re:

then you'll regret it when they tell you you're going to die a slow
painful death (or whatever they said to cousin v).

she had predicted that anna nicole smith was going to die since 2003 and
it didn't happen till 2007. i just noticed that michael jackson has been
on her death list every year since 2003 as well. he's probably going to
die soon then.

and i also noticed she mentioned twice that there will be some sort of
explosion or something at the cn tower. so if we have a terrorist
attack, maybe it'll be at the cn tower.

-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: February 26, 2007 11:49 AM
To: Sister 2
Subject: RE:

Oh great. That's just fabulous. I think I'm far enough from the CN
Tower...what do you want to bet it happens during the work week and
during the day? Fuck.

I always think about what happened the day of the blackout. I hope
nothing impacts the subway.

Jeez.

You know what song I can't get out of my head?

Watched this last Friday.

I get embarrassed for Hugh Grant just watching it:

2007-02-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

Finished watching the second season of "Extras" over the weekend.

I almost died laughing in the episode with Ian McKellan.

But you know who steals that show? Ashley Jensen. My sister was like, "Does she play a mentally ill person or something?" (Or as Kate Winslet said in her guest-starring stint, "Y'know what wins an Oscar? Playing a mental.")

I'm not too crazy about her as Christina on Ugly Betty, but she's adorable in "Extras."

I hope they do a third season.

So, in a bid to lure viewers away from the Oscars last night, Global decides to show the new Heroes episode one day early...which I only found out about by accident as I was channel surfing.

Only missed about two minutes of it, but I was really annoyed.

Not going to spoil it for those of you in the U.S. who haven't seen it yet, but OMG, I was crying by the end of it.

But I'm kind of a sap that way.

Will probably post more about it tomorrow.

On a somewhat related note, did you know that the guy who plays radioactive man is the real-life husband of Claire's adoptive mother? It's kind of cool...but I find odd factoids like that to be kind of cool.

With Heroes already aired last night, I guess it's just Prison Break tonight. Y'know, T-Bag used to really creep me out, but he sort of redeemed himself a little when he decided to let that family go.

Y'know, he's such a good actor that I actually think he's creepy creeps in real life, too.

Is it just me or does George Takei look like he's had plastic surgery?

He looks kind of scary.

But isn't Noah Gray-Cabey the cutest little thing ever?

I wish they'd show more of his power, 'cause if there's any power worth having, it'd be his.

2007-02-20T17:56:00.000-07:00

Bumped into someone I hadn't seen in a really long time and for some reason, my mind went blank when he asked me what was new with me.

And the thing is...tons of things had happened, but you know, how, when you haven't seen someone in a long time and you're just not close to them, it just doesn't seem worth it to get into it all? On the one hand, you risk sounding like you've got no life, but on the other hand...what does it matter? This person doesn't really have any part in your life, so it shouldn't matter what he thinks about it.

It seems like today was the day for a lot of people from my past to resurface from the woodwork.

One of them was someone I would have never imagined I'd still be in touch with, but every now and again, I hear from him -- usually around the holidays. It's the online equivalent of getting the yearly Christmas card from someone who's not really a friend anymore, but you still stay in touch with just because they're on your list.

I kind of have no interest in meeting up with him for lunch...even though we'll be working really close to each other.

I don't know...I just sense that if we did meet up again, it'd be a little weird.

How great was last Thursday's Grey's?

The thing that struck me the most was when Cristina called Meredith her "person".

My Best Friend is my "person".

When I was talking about this with some friends, I was a little surprised to discover I was "the person" for a lot of people.

It's kind of nice.

PRESTON: "Meredith. This is about Meredith."
CRISTINA: "She doesn’t know yet."
PRESTON: "Meredith?"
CRISTINA: "She’s my person."
PRESTON: "Right. And if Meredith doesn’t approve, then what?"
CRISTINA: "This... this is not about getting her approval, it's about…"
PRESTON: "What?"
CRISTINA: "Telling her makes it, makes it…. If I murdered someone she’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor."
PRESTON: "Okay, now you’re likening someone here to a corpse. I’m done."
CRISTINA: "She’s my person."

2007-02-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

Dreamt about T last night --- which bothers me because I hadn't thought about him in a really long time.

You know when you start feeling like you're in a good place and that you've actually started to move on, but then you find yourself thinking about someone you just wish you could erase from your memory...sort of like what Jim Carrey tried to do in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.

Sometimes, I think that if I could completely erase T from my mind, I would. But that was before --- before, when I used to wish he'd get an STD or that his career would fall apart or that he'd just do me a favour and fucking leave Toronto, you know?

It's weird how bitterness can just turn you into this horrible kind of person, you know? You get so stuck in feeling bad.

I once read, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

No shit.

That's exactly how I was living.

But now? Yeah, the dream kind of shook me up, but I can see now that maybe I should be glad that things turned out the way that they did. Who'd want to be with a horrible person who didn't recognize your worth, anyway? If you were still with that person, you'd never be open and available to meet the person you're supposed to be with.

That sort of thing.

If I had to see him now, I don't think I'd even have the energy to say anything to him. I'd rather we just both pretended the other didn't exist anymore.

Sometimes, pretending just makes it easier.

2007-02-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

Read my Chinese horoscope for this year and decided I don't really care for part of what it says.

The thing about horoscopes and superstitions is that...I want to dismiss it completely. I like to think that we determine our own fate. We have to take responsibility for what happens and we need to realize that, when bad things happen, it's not the end of the world. Maybe there's something to be learned from that experience, you know?

The other day, someone said that maybe there's an aspect of our lives that's predestined, but I thought that didn't make sense. Either it's all predestined or it's not. If everything's written out somewhere, then what's the point of making choices? Isn't it through choice that we're tested...to see what kind of people we are?

It's our actions and our words --- things that we choose --- that make us who we are.

So, shouldn't we be held accountable to that?

He probably doesn't have much of a chance of winning the Oscar for best actor this year, but Ryan Gosling was pretty good in Half Nelson.

I found it a little bit slow moving at times, but I think Gosling's one of those guys who can really act...like Edward Norton.

2007-02-16T07:08:00.000-07:00

So, you know how, on Wordpress, they'll tell you the referring URL?

Well, someone on Facebook --- someone I didn't know, I might add --- bounced onto my page, which made me go, "?"

First vain, presumptuous thought was, "Is someone actually passing off my blog entries as their own?" I mean...how lame is that? And how infuriating!

Okay, let's not jump to conclusions. (Which I used to do fairly often...flying leaps, actually.)

My sister has been trying to get me onto Facebook the way she wanted me to set up an account on Friendster. There must have been something cool about logging on and seeing you have, like, 1097 friends. And if I'm completely honest, the main reason I don't like joining these things is because I know I could probably count my paltry number of friends on only two hands. But then again, I don't call just anybody a friend. I'm a snob that way.

I was telling a friend about this whole Facebook thing and the key thing that she latched onto was, "You have a blog?"

I've had this conversation twice in the last couple of weeks. "Yes. And no, I'm not going to tell you where it is."

I think I used to be incredibly stupid and write crap about my friends...I might still do that, except I can't remember now and I'm too lazy to scroll back and do a purge...which is something I quite enjoy doing when I have nothing else to do. I like getting rid of stuff and going back to basics and starting from square one as I start the accumulation of junk again.

But anyways, I really should stop thinking about this.

It's weird. I mean, if I write down a paranoid kind of message like, "Why are you reading my blog????" then I stop being "Anonymous Writer" and I become, "Crazy girl on Facebook."

Now that I've joined...I kinda don't like it.

The Internet has only a few purposes for me: blogging, downloading music, TV shows, and movies, and reading the news.

C'est tout.

2007-02-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

So, there's supposed to be a snowstorm.

But, you know, we're still expected to go to work. Or rather, my mother thinks I should still be able to make it into work because when I told her, "I don't want to go to work tomorrow just because", she looked at me with absolute, sheer disgust.

I'm not making this up.

That woman's look of disgust would shame anybody...except for me, 'cause, you know, I've grown immune to it after being here on this planet for 28 years.

Sometimes, I shake my head and wonder if it's really possible that I am the fruit of that woman's loins.

Get this: she thinks the new Millionaire Life lotto is "too much money" --- if you win, you get $1 million for 25 years.

"Too much money." Pfft.

Nut bar.

My sister and I were talking about what we'd do if we won the money. And who doesn't love talking about that?

I said I'd continue to work --- purely for the social interaction, of course. I'd also donate all of my earnings to charity. Oh, and buy lunch every day. And plus, I'd need at least eight weeks of vacation and I wouldn't work on Mondays or Fridays or on especially cold days in the winter or really hot days in the summer.

When I was telling a co-worker about this, she told me that, sometimes, I seriously sound crazy.

A part of me is glad there's going to be a really bad snowstorm coming just in time for Valentine's Day.

I swear, when I heard about the impending storm, I actually tapped my fingers together like Mr. Burns and whispered, "Excellent!"

Do you want to know why I love watching "The Office"?

Because I actually relate to Ryan, the former temp.

The looks on his face...or rather, the lack of emotion...the sheer weariness?

That's me.

Thought this clip was hilarious:

And finally...here are my thoughts on Valentine's Day.

2007-02-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

So, you know how Oprah did a segment on The Secret last Thursday?

Okay, maybe you didn't know that. Maybe you don't watch Oprah. I mean, I don't even watch Oprah all that often. I'm just getting off at work when it comes on and religiously programming it just seems kind of...well, lame.

The thing is, this whole business about positive thinking...well, when you have a negative thought creep in (i.e. this morning when you're still groggy with sleep and it's another Monday morning and all you can think is, "Is this my life?") it's easy to see how that snowballs.

The woman who sits next to me is extremely negative.

It's kind of annoying.

I hate it when someone's such a Debbie Downer.

Why can't people just suck it up, you know? Just get on with your life, instead of whining ad nauseum about it all the time. I mean, you're just asking to be punched in the face at that point.

I also find it annoying when people refuse to try things, but feel like it's perfectly okay to bitch and moan about it. Like, how do you know something sucks until you've at least tried it out first, you know?

God.

People are so fucking stupid sometimes.

Like this one person who's in my course and who was in my group. She fucking quits the program and doesn't bother telling anyone about it!

Hello! It's common courtesy to tell your group members and give them a head's up at the very least. Like, what the hell? Were you raised by a pack of animals in the wild or something?

I hate group work.

And well, there I got again with the bitching and moaning.

I swear to God I'm not this tedious in real life.

2007-02-08T17:44:00.001-07:00

Wrapped up watching Project Catwalk today.

You know what? Despite the fact that I think Tim Gunn is a huge component of what makes Project Runway so fun and great to watch, I actually really like Ben De Lisi as mentor for Project Catwalk.

He just brings a very different vibe and at the same time, I think he does what Tim does in a similarly constructive manner.

I mean, the guy obviously knows what he's talking about because he's been designing killer dressers for over 20 years and for celebrities like Rachel Wiesz and Kate Winslet (love them both!).

He did that gorgeous red gown that Kate Winslet wore to the Oscars in 2002.

But here's something interesting that I dug up on the web about Tim Gunn: it's an interview he did with Out.com, where he talks a bit about why he's single.

Now the big question: Are you single?
I’m very single.

How can you be single?
This is going to sound ridiculous to you. I’m so resigned to it. I went to a psychic about 25-26 years ago. Ostensibly the real thing; she was a consultant to the NASA space flights, and she was a consultant to the FBI. And it was a horrible session. She punched holes in every myth I’d created about myself. I’d spent a lot of my life blaming things on prior lives. And she said to me, “I don’t believe in talking to people about prior lives.” I thought, That’s disappointing, it’s one of the reasons I wanted to see you. Then she said, “In your case, I have to make an exception. I have never met a new soul. Until now.” I say that because it helped explain a lot. I have never, ever been more hurt than from a relationship that goes back to Washington, D.C.—before New York. I’m welling up thinking about how horrible it all was. After many years, it was the advent of AIDS and knowing that this guy who I loved more than myself had been sleeping around… it was awful. More awful was his out and out rejection of me, saying, “I don’t have the patience for you. I’m tired of you. Get lost.” And I haven’t been in a relationship since. And I’ve run from a couple of opportunities. I keep revisiting this “new soul” thing and I think, It’s not gonna happen in this lifetime. It’s not meant to be.

Well, if that’s how you feel, then I say… you’re crazy! I could think of 20 great guys for you off the top of my head who’d want to be your life partner!
That’s nice to hear. I have very good friends, and I think that’s the way it’s probably going to stay. God knows I live in a gay Mecca. I live in the West Village and work in the middle of the fashion industry. It’s hard to find a heterosexual male within half a mile.

Do gay men approach you?
I was at the Human Rights Campaign dinner recently. I was at the Bravo table and I thought, I don’t think I have ever been in a room with so many extraordinary-looking gay men. And people came up to me. People are really nice. With the exception of one person who punched me when I was at the end of last season. You know what’s weird? No one ever asks, “Are you that guy from that show?” They just come right up to me and start talking. It’s weird to me.

I find the man intensely interesting...I mean, he just doesn't give a bad interview. He's open, he's honest, and he's compelling.

I wish more people would be like that.

2007-02-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

You know what irritates me?

Okay, granted, a lot of things irritate me.

Maybe it's more accurate to say that this particular thing irritates me the most when it comes to this particular person.

It's the whining.

When you reach a certain age, you shouldn't be allowed to whine like a little child anymore, because I feel like this should give me free license to slap you across the face like a little child. (Yeah. I'm going to be one of those parents.)

But seeing as we're co-workers, that's probably not kosher.

I mean, I just feel like, the closer you creep towards being middle-aged, you should just know better. Especially if you have a child.

Nut cases like "The Astro Nut" (read the paper if you don't know what I'm talking about...and if you don't read the paper, then you should start...'cause otherwise, you come off looking stupid) disgust me, but what equally disgusts me are the really rigid types who play the martyr and act all wounded, like the universe is conspiring against them.

Granted, we all feel that way from time to time, but to continually act the victim is also really tiring.

And another thing! I hate it when people aren't willing to try new things. They're just so afraid of venturing out and doing new things.

It disgusts me.

But I don't get why it bugs me.

I mean, if they die and realize at the end of their life that they've led boring lives where nothing was ventured and nothing was gained, then...well, how is this my problem?

Why do I even care?

Better them and not me.

Just look out for numero uno and forget the rest.

I was watching this episode of "The Office" the other day and when Steve Carrell did that scene where he was hiding from Andy and then you cut to him talking about it, I had a moment of, "This reminds me of someone I know."

"Love that Andy right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough, likes me a lot. A lot, too much, like a crazy person, a little. Not super crazy, just...there's something about him that creeps me out, I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness, which is Ebonics for "being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me". I don't understand how someone can have so little self-awareness." - Michael, "The Office"

This reminds me of TWO people, actually.

Well, two people from "real life". It also reminds me of the guy from Singapore who used to read my blog.

Yeah. If you're still reading this blog, I'm talking about you.

The thing is, I really doubt that people with little self-awareness would realize they're like that. I had actually intended to email a copy of this quote to those two people, but then I thought, "Why bother? They wouldn't even get the fact that I'm making a parallel between them and Andy."

Yeah. I tend to go for the subtle route...and sometimes, the subtle route just gets you freaking nowhere.

2007-02-06T17:58:00.000-07:00

I've been "watching" Project Catwalk.

I write "watching" because there are moments, I'm really just listening to it on You Tube in the background while working on other things.

With no Project Runway on the air for the next couple of months, this is the closest I can get to a fix.

I was watching the fifth episode of Project Catwalk today --- the one where the designers had to make a wedding dress for their models. And when the designers were called out onto the runway to discuss their dresses, there was this moment where Matthew, the youngest designer, burst into tears when judge Julien McDonald, took him to task for not having enough confidence.

I almost burst into tears, too. (And I don't even have PMS as an excuse!)

I just felt so bad for the guy because he'd tried too hard to follow through on what his model wanted and when the fabric turned out be ill-suited for the dress, it just turned into a disaster. When he talks about how he couldn't even bring himself to look at the dress as his model walked down the runway, I just felt this huge wave of sympathy for him.

Season Two of Project Catwalk will feature Kelly Osbourne as host, replacing Elizabeth Hurley...whom I actually quite liked as host. (Despite the fact that there were complaints that she was too "wooden". I don't know about that..I really liked her parting line, "Fashion has no mercy." It was kind of cool. And she delivered it with a certain panache.)

I wonder how Kelly will do? I just feel like...I don't know...like she's not quite old enough to step into the role of host and I don't really see why she should be host, either. She's not a major player in the fashion industry and wasn't even a model. I wouldn't even pick her for the top 100 fashion icons of all time, you know?

Plus...she seems like she could be quite rude sometimes.

I don't know...when it finally comes out on the Life Network in Canada, we'll see. Who knows? Maybe we'll be pleasantly surprised.

Anyway...it turns out that Project Runway might be coming to Canada after all, which is incredibly exciting. I mean, I think the show's premise just works anywhere and you don't even necessarily need Heidi Klum or Michael Kors or Nina Garcia. (A show without Tim Gunn, however, is debateable.) But you know what I mean, right? It's really the tasks that make the show so interesting.

I don't know what it is about watching Project Runway/Project Catwalk...it just makes me want to make my own clothes, too.

2007-02-04T15:31:00.000-07:00

The things people type in search engines and then wind up finding their way to one of my blogs always amuses me.

That's why, in my other journal, I've started actually writing posts with titles based on those searches.

I was reading out some snippets to my sister this afternoon. Just little things like, "How To Break Up With Someone You're Dating" or "How To Ask Someone Out Via Email."

*sigh*

We are turning out to be a group of socially retarded people, are we not?

So, uh, anyway...onto another subject altogether...a friend of mine is interested in speed dating. (And when I say a friend of mine, I don't actually mean me.) This friend claims that the reason she thinks "we" should do this is because I will have a rough time of it on V-Day because of last year's debacle with Ass Face. (And even this is really mean, I still hope he gets an STD and dies...not that I'm bitter or anything.)

As I was explaining to my mother, the reason I was really pissed off about this is because I don't like people using me as an excuse to do things that they want to do. When I told her that it sounded like she was the one who really wanted to do this, you should have heard how shrill and hystercial her voice got as she insisted, no no, she didn't.

I think the lady doth protest too much.

And maybe this is me being a pain in the ass, but I just want her to admit the truth: that she wants to meet someone.

Ain't no shame in that.

It's hard being alone.

Not all of us can do the indpendent, alone thing...I mean, some of us are forced to 'cause we're so totally repugnant to the rest of mankind, but it's my belief that, if you really wanted to be with someone, you'd probably be able to find that someone. (Whether you settle for someone or genuinely find love is another story altogether.)

Just think about all the horrible people out there who've managed to hook up with someone!

Let that be a lesson to all that there is always hope --- no matter how ugly, no matter how mean, no matter how morally repugnant you are, there is someone out there for you.

2007-02-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

I love Josh Rouse --- I've had his "It Looks Like Love" playing on repeat for most of the morning as I lay on the couch in my polka dot PJs, staring at the ceiling, kind of trying to digest what it is, exactly, that I'm feeling --- 'cause, you know, I tend to be a little self-absorbed that way.

But I'm not going to write about that last part. Sometimes, it just gets really boring to write about it, you know? 'Cause, really, there's nothing to write about. You're just lying on the couch, you've pressed pause, there's other stuff you could be doing, but you're just lying there, still exhausted from hanging out with your friends Friday night/early Saturday morning. And as fun and great as that was...John Mayer's "Something's Missing" is playing in the back of your head. (Kinda making you want to just rip that internal CD player right out of its socket.)

Maybe that's why I'm listening to Josh Rouse, instead...to sort of get something else stuck in my head.

Josh Rouse is cute...sort of. Well, I think he's cute.

Josh Rouse opened for eight shows on John Mayer's winter tour last year, but I've been obsessed with Rouse's Winter In The Hamptons long before Mayer made mention of Rouse in his blog.

And again, even though it's none of my business, I can't help but feel this sense of disappointment over the fact that John Mayer is dating Jessica Simpson.

Despite the fact that I'm a year younger than Mayer, the disappointment I feel is almost the kind a mother would feel if her son brought home an illiterate, bleached blonde hooker who's obviously dumber than a bag of rocks...you know, even if she had a heart of gold beating under her gigantic big boobs, I'd still be lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling and thinking to God, "Good Lord, why do you spite me so??"

Borrowing a page from my aunt's melodramatic ways, I might even piteously clutch at my shirt as I demanded of my son, "Are you trying to kill me?"

As far as female celebrities go, you've got the respectable ones where you just know at one glance that they're smart, driven, and strong.

Example? Reese Witherspoon.

Anyways, I digress.

Now, for something totally off-topic, there's nothing to watch tonight. Well, except for the Super Bowl and I've never been a fan of sports of any kind. Unless you count competitive ballroom dancing...which I'm sure nobody does. (I know. You're thinking, "Seriously? Ballroom dancing?" and here's a secret: I don't even watch that all too often. I count "So You Think You Can Dance?" as sport...which I also fully realize nobody does. Welcome to my Bizzaro World...but then again, I think "normal" is so overrated.)

On the topic of "normal", I remember reading something about how "funny girls" aren't as attractive to men as "normal" girls...ie boring girls.

You know, it's like the reason why Robert Redford chose that boring sweet girl in "The Way We Were" instead of Barbra Streisand's "Katie".

(Speaking of Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford, I read in that bio that Redford called her "Blah Blah" behind her back. I think that's kind of mean, even though Streisand came across as a difficult, mean person...so why the hell do I feel any sense of sympathy for her? She was mean, too. Okay, scratch that. Calling her "Blah Blah" isn't mean. Just not classy. I kinda expected more from Redford.)

You know, I should really stop thinking about why certain people end up with certain other people.

That kind of thinking will only drive you nuts.

As Brian said in My So-Called Life:
"What difference does it make? So, they happen to be, like, together. So what? So what? I mena, if you, like, analyze why certain people end up with certain other people, it'll make you want to kill yourself."

So, memo to self: stop caring about that sort of thing...with regards to real life and the lives of the stars.

I mean, life's not perfect.

We all make mistakes...and shouldn't it comfort us to know that we're not the only ones who kinda press pause and realize from time to time that "I've made a huge mistake"?

I love Arrested Development.

It kinda got old after awhile when Gob kept saying, "I've made a huge mistake" after almost everything that he did, but I find myself doing it from time to time, too.

You give someone your number and as soon as they walk away, it's like, "I've made a huge mistake."

You realize after a few dates that you don't really like someone but now you're in a relationship with them and again, it's like, "I've made a huge mistake."

You invite someone out with your friends and you realize they're a complete dud who doesn't do well in group settings and it's like, "I've made a huge mistake."

Life --- it's nothing but one huge mistake after another.

LOL.

I'm joking.

2007-02-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

Kelly: You've got to tell them.
Harry: I can't! They're judgmental scum!
Kelly: But they're your best friends.
Harry: That's how I know!
- "In Case of Emergency"

I bet nobody's watching this show.

That bit was really funny.

It kind of made me think about some of my own friends...you take the good with the bad, right? You can see they're judgmental scum, but you love them anyway.

Isn't anybody else tired of American Idol yet?

I got bored with it after the second season when Reuben won...and speaking of which, whatever happened to him? The only American Idol we ever hear about up here in Canada is Kelly Clarkson...and say what you will about the American Idol franchise, but Kelly Clarkson can sing.

Um. Is anybody else kinda disturbed by this?

Okay, not so much disturbed, but, when my sister was like, "Whoa. Did you check out that picture of the Harry Potter kid?", we were both staring with wide eyes.

Not really a kid anymore, is he?

I'm not quite old enough to be his mother, but a part of me feels wrong for doing a double take and going, "Wow."

2007-01-31T20:16:00.000-07:00

You know how on Grey's, they call Bailey "The Nazi" behind her back? (And just an aside here, but how great was Chandra Wilson's acceptance speech at the SAG awards? It actually made me tear up a little!)

Don't you sort of feel like the term "Nazi" has started to take on a different meaning altogether? Like, we'll call anybody who's anal, uptight and blunt and harsh-sounding a "Nazi"...which I think is really stupid.

And why is it that, if you're super organized and meticulous and detailed, you get called "anal"? Like it's a negative thing.

You know what I really hate? I hear myself saying things like, "Yeah, I'm a little anal" in a self-deprecating way, as if admitting it upfront makes it seem less bad.

Why do I even think it's bad in the first place?

I like the fact that I'm organized and thorough and meticulous and on top of things.

I think of it as stepping up when so many people like to fall back and defer to others, instead of having an opinion, voicing their opinion, and just getting their act together.

It's all just so stupid.

2007-01-31T16:05:00.000-07:00

I'm totally regretting giving a particular friend of mine my work phone number.

On the one hand, I'd rather field a million calls from her during the work day rather than when I'm at home, when I just want to lounge in front of the TV or read a book or study.

See, the thing about me is that...I don't like talking if there's nothing to say. (Though, it can be argued that I always have something to say. Lorelai Gilmore ain't got nothing on me.) The thing is, sometimes, I just don't feel like talking. Or rather, I don't feel like listening. Yeah, that's more like it.

Okay, let's go one step further...I don't like neediness.

Even if I was in a relationship right now, I don't think I'd want to hear from my boyfriend every single night. I don't expect flowers, I don't expect daily phone calls, I don't expect lavish gifts.

Something interesting happened today, though --- well, maybe not interesting. No. That's a lie. It wasn't interesting at all. I take it back. Maybe what really happened was that I started picking at one thing and starting wondering if there was meaning behind it rather than letting it go as an innocent remark.

I don't tend to trust people very easily.

Anyways, this girl stopped by my desk and we started talking about Valentine's Day and I said something about how I'm not really dreading it. She asked, "Oh, do you usually dread it?"

Later, I paused and thought, "What's that supposed to mean?"

I mean, do I look like someone who's naturally alone all the time? Do I look like Ruth Fisher? Someone who's hopelessly single and lonely? Because I don't feel lonely. For the first time in a long time, I think I can honestly say that I'm okay being single. I'm rather indifferent about it for the moment, actually.

Ack! Is this totally tedious and tiresome?

Okay, let's discuss something else...

You know what I don't like about group projects? It's when you discover that one person in the group is a slacker and you start regretting picking them to be on your team.

Me? I'm a workhorse. I'm an organizer. I'm a realist, too. I always know there's going to be at least one person's who not up to snuff in a team and I know it's best to start working around that person.

I think I should be more confrontational about things, but I've learned that being diplomatic is usually the best course of action.

Oh, yeah. I'm a big fan of diplomacy...though, when I'm pissed, I'm more of a, "If you've got something to say, say it to my face" type of gal.

I've kind of got a road map planned out in my head of how I want things to go this year. Nothing's set in concrete, but I actually feel more in control for once...like there's no need to panic.

Has anyone been watching that new David Arquette show, "In Case of Emergency"? I think the premise is brilliant. It's about these four high school friends who come together again only to discover that life isn't the way they thought it'd be once they grew up.

There's this hilarious scene where David Arquette is buying a handgun:

Jason: I'm looking for a handgun, a reasonably priced, lightweight not too flash.
Gunstore Clerk: Well, what do you want it for?
Jason: I'm gonna blow my brains out.
Gunstore Clerk: I've got just the thing.

The show's up against American Idol, so I'm kind of worried about how it's going to struggle with its ratings.

Let's hope ABC doesn't axe it.

On a somewhat related note, I saw David Arquette on Ellen the other day and he's so cute. He's really funny and giddy and nice...nothing like his wife, Courtney, who came off looking so stiff and awkward and standoff-ish when she was on teh show. Her arms were crossed over her chest and she was answering in this defensive tone and she just seemed so awkward that you wanted to kick her off the set already.

It was that painful.

2007-01-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

I've been joking around with my kid sister that the main message I'm getting from all these self-help tapes that mom got from work is this: you can get anything you set your mind to...so, if you really want someone, you just have to be like David Sedaris, shake your fist at the sky and say, "As God as my witness, he will be mine!"

Yeah.

That just kind of makes me sound like a stalker-in-training or something...and we all know how much I hate that kind of behaviour. (Though, really, who likes it?)

If I'm more accurate, though, it's really that co-dependent sort of behaviour that I really hate. I just don't like it when someone depends on you too much. I mean, unless you're family or a best friend I've known for 20 odd years, then what gives?

I was kind of weirded out when someone at work said something the other day, implying that she thought we were best friends or something.

And true to commitment-phobe form, I didn't want to talk to her anymore.

It's been this pattern in my life.

People weird me out when they start calling me everyday and depending on me too much to either listen to them or entertain them.

That's another thing I don't like...yes, I get the fact that a lot of people think I'm funny and amusing, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be funny all the time. Sometimes, you have an off day and you just don't want to talk to anybody.

Ain't nothing wrong with that.

But then there's the questions: are you okay? What's wrong? Is something going on? Are you mad at me?

*sigh*

It's such an effort to pretend to be happy all the time.

2007-01-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, with a mug of coffee, trying to work on this proposal that's due on Tuesday and all I can think about is, "I think they're showing 90210 on TVtropolis right now."

I've been working on this stupid proposal all afternoon.

"Isn't it kind of last minute?" Sister 3 asked.

"What are you talking about? I've got the whole weekend," I told her.

Yeah, well, I won't have the whole weekend if I continue to pop downstairs to watch old re-runs of Golden Girls, Friends and 90210.

Oh, I also caught the last five minutes of MTV's "I'm With Rolling Stone", which was...intriguing. But then again, I've got the attention span of a fruit fly at the moment, so anything's intriguing for five minutes at a time.

I thought that Peter guy from Australia was kinda hot, though.

I digress.

So, anyway, yesterday, I was makeup shopping with a friend at Inglot --- this new makeup boutique that's popping up across Canada.

The salesgirl was telling us all about how they use minerals as opposed to talc and how the under makeup base is supposed to help give the appearance of new skin.

I almost wanted to just hold up a hand to shut her up and say, "You had me at 'new layer of skin'."

So, it was kind of an impulse buy --- the store was really nice, but there's really not much info about the new brand on the web. If you click on the link, you'll find next to nothing about the brand.

Up until now, I've been using CoverFX, which isn't too bad. The creator of the brand used to be a corrective makeup specialist at a Toronto-area hospital, where she helped people with either burns or scars or other skin disorders to learn how to cover up their injuries...I mean, that's the kind of thing that chips away a little at your self-esteem.

I really liked the concept of Lee Graff's brand and that's why I started using it.

But that one line..."new layer of skin". That's all I needed to hear.

The little you can find on message boards about Inglot will tell you that most makeup artists (who've bothered to post, anyway) consider the brand to be a M.A.C. wannabe and generally, not as good.

When I read that, I was like, "Fuck. Me and my stinkin' impulse purchases."

But you know what? I tried on the under makeup base and the pressed powder last night and I thought it was really great. I'm no makeup artist, but I liked the results and I think I'll probably go back and buy the under makeup base again after I run out.

Okay, back to work on the proposal.

2007-01-24T17:40:00.000-07:00

Oh My God! I totally hate how my blog looks when I post via email. (And I'm too lazy to try and fix it so it'll look better.)

Okay. From now on, I'm going back to posting it old-school style. (Funny thing is, I was just writing a post about how I'm really quite old-school when it comes to a lot of things...so why venture into doing anything new?)

I'm putting off doing my first assignment, which is due next Tuesday.

I've become pretty anal when it comes to staying organized. I have not one, but two day planners --- one for work and that I carry around in my bag. I write a million reminders to myself each day and then check off each thing that gets done...and it helps me to feel like I'm staying on track.

Anyway, tonight, Anderson Cooper's got this special on child sex slaves. Y'all should watch it. I did a fair amount of ranting about it on my other blog --- you know, the one where I rant about things in the news.

Last night, I'd happened to catch a bit of MTV --- do they have this in the US, where they have all the VJs just sitting around, talking about shit? Okay, so it's not shit, but they just sit around and talk about stuff and sometimes have guests.

I used to think that sort of thing was really boring. I mean, I'd rather just listen to that sort of thing on talk radio, you know?

They were talking about bloggers...sort of.

Yeah, so I wrote about my thoughts on that.

What was cool was how this talk radio host whom I really admire actually read my blog and emailed me. I told my sister about it and she joked, "I bet you're going to keep that email forever, huh?"

No shit.

I didn't tell anybody else about it, 'cause that would have led to..."You have a blog! Where is it? Can I read it?"

And the answer would be: Um, NO! I might want to write crap about you.

I get enough flak from certain people about being "mean."

You know what, though? I'm not mean. I just tell the truth and the truth hurts, sometimes.

Anyways...I should get started on this assignment.

2007-01-24T06:59:00.001-07:00

I'm reading this bio of Barbra Streisand now --- not really sure why I
picked it up. I mean, I'm not really a fan or anything, though, I have
to admit I really liked "The Mirror Has Two Faces" and "The Way We
Were". (Though, what's up with her fixation on her nails? A long time
ago, I started cutting my nails really short, 'cause I hated how
they'd press into my palm as when I wrote and I just really preferred
keeping them short for when I was typing. Though I have no proof of
this, I think I type faster with my nails short. Hmmm...don't know how
this happened, but it looks like I forgot to cut the nails for two of
my fingers on my right hand. They're a little bit longer than the
rest...what's up with that?)

Does A&E still do "Biography"? Last night, while channel surfing, I
noticed CSI: Miami was on during that time slot. You know, I really
wish they'd just do original productions on these specialty channels
instead of doing repeats of shows from other networks. That being
said, I probably would have never gotten into Northern Exposure if
they weren't airing it everyday --- I used to love doing that: getting
through an entire series all in one go, watching it every day. Don't
judge, but I actually watched all of Voyager that way, too --- and say
what you will about the Star Trek franchise, but I actually though
that series was the best.

So, yesterday night was the return of Veronica Mars and Gilmore Girls.
The latter comes on at 10 p.m. and I didn't think I'd be able to stay
up any longer so I just headed off to bed, where I sat up and finished
up some reading for class. (I did program Gilmore Girls for viewing
tonight, though.)

So...Veronica Mars.

Why, oh, why aren't there more people watching this show? I think it's
even better than Gilmore Girls and...wait for it...I like it a little
bit better than Grey's Anatomy. You want to know why? Because as much
as I love Grey's and Gilmore Girls, Veronica's the only female
character out there who isn't prone to extreme stupidity when it comes
to the opposite sex. She's tough, she's smart, and she never becomes a
simpering rescue-me type of gal, you know?

She's the kind of girl who gets herself out of her own messes and
doesn't waste time mooning about and moping and acting like an
annoying little twit over a guy. (Meredith, anyone?)

And another thing --- she's not annoying the way Lorelai can be
annoying sometimes. I mean, Lorelai can be clever and quick-witted,
but she can also be annoying. Veronica pulls off clever and
quick-witted without becoming annoying.

Plus, I think Kirsten Bell's a better actress.

Last night, there was this one part that really caught my attention.
She says, "Why bother with something that's not good just
because...it's something?"

Good question.

2007-01-22T08:12:00.000-07:00

You know what I don't get?

People who don't have the sense to move all the way into a train
(especially when it's not crowded, but there IS a crowd waiting on the
platform) and who, instead, choose to plant themselves like concrete
slabs right by the doors so it's difficult for the rest of us to
squeeze our way inside before the doors chime and start closing in on
us.

And if you're one of the people who do that, then YOU SUCK. You
obviously have some sort of brain deficiency --- you know, where LOGIC
is supposed to reside.

And another thing --- why, oh, why do some people muddle around like
lemmings when something doesn't work instead of doing the logical
thing, which is calling the helpdesk? What the hell's wrong with
people? Why do they continue to stand there, looking for help from me
when I'm clearly not qualified to answer that question and I've
already provided the most logical answer: CALL HELPDESK. Call the
people who know.

Idiots.

Anyways, apparantly, January 22 is supposed to be the worst day of the
year. Other sites say it's January 23 or 24...I think what counts is
if it falls on a Monday.

Sometimes, you just wake up and you're in a foul mood (might be
period-related) and you just want to literally bite off someone's head
--- the first person who comes along to say something that pisses me
off.

Like there's this one woman here...she's so co-dependent! She can't
even go to the friggin' washroom unless she has someone to go with
her.

Freak.

2007-01-18T07:20:00.001-07:00

You know what amuses me?

When they bleep out swear words in songs on the radio.

Like, they're playing Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" right
now and they bleeped out "fucked up".

Yeah, I have no idea why I decided to mention it.

Sometimes, when you look back on old journal entries, it's those
little things that kind of amuse you and they count just as much in
constructing the story of who you are, right?

Okay, maybe I shouldn't attempt to do any deep thinking right now.

You know what I realized? I haven't listen to the radio in a long time
--- as in music on the radio. I mean, I listen to a lot of talk radio
--- and what's up with all those people who call in who have nothing
intelligent to say? You can tell that they know and the host knows and
everybody else knows that they sound like morons, stammering and
stuttering, making no damn sense at all and you just want to shake
your head and ask, "Why? Why'd you decide to call in and make a fool
of yourself?"

But I digress.

I didn't know the Goo Goo Dolls had a new song...or is it really an
old song and I've just been, like, out of the loop?

I don't really keep tabs of what's on the charts right now --- like,
if I hear a song on the radio or on a show that I love, then I'll just
download it.

Grey's Anatomy, of course, has a great soundtrack, but you know what
I'm loving more and more these days? "Men In Trees". Yeah, it's kind
of a rip-off of "Northern Exposure" --- probably more so than "Sex and
the City" (even though a couple of people who worked on "Sex and the
City" are now producing and writing "Men In Trees") but I find it
really charming.

Thursday is always my main TV night.

So...yeah, as stupid as this sounds, I always look forward to
Thursdays because of this.

Yeah, so it seems I really have nothing to say this morning. So, I'll end here.

2007-01-17T07:22:00.001-07:00

So.

Last night, I discovered I'd been unceremoniously booted out of a group project for this course I'd recently enrolled in.

So, maybe I'm being naive (for a change) and giving people the benefit of the doubt, but I think the way the groups were supposed to be set up (through the discussion board) was confusing. You've got maybe 27 threads to wade through and then there's also the discovery that a couple of other women also go by the same nickname as me.

Okay, fine. Whatever.

It's just like being back in grade school, though, where you're sitting in class and it's time to pick teams and you're just thinking, "Please don't pick me last, please don't pick me last, please don't pick me last."

I don't like group work.

If I was a teacher, I'd never allow kids to pick teams.

You don't get to pick your teams when you're out working in the real world. You're assigned to a team and that's it. You're forced to work together. End of story --- if you're stuck with a difficult person, tough nuts. This is what group work's all about --- learning to work together as a group.

If I was a teacher, I'd even go as far as to split up the popular kids and put them in competition with each other --- give those little bastards and bitches a real lesson. It's not personal, it's business.

I don't know how I'd be as a teacher. That's just one profession that never crossed my mind when attempting to discover what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Well...now I'm grown up and I'm still struggling to find my way.

That kind of sucks...no, wait. That's negative. Let's try and get through today without spiralling into a foul mood, shall we?

So the thing is, I kind of took a deep breath and thought, "Well, even if it proves difficult to find another group to join, the point is, I'll have to be accepted somewhere. And in a few months time, this course will be over and this stupid group assignment will be over and all will be right with the world again."

But, wait. Another thing...those friggin' publishing houses are jokes! They have these stinkin' internships where you only get this piddlin' amount that's basically chump change in exchange for work experience. Um...yeah. That kind of practice pisses me off.

Okay...think happy thoughts. I just had a to delete a whole line of expletives, describing what my thoughts are of publishing houses.

2007-01-16T12:45:00.001-07:00

I was just in a meeting at 2 p.m. with one of the managers.

His office was so suffocatingly hot that I felt so sleepy and I didn't understand a single thing he said.

His voice was, like, hypnotic.

I'm sure I looked stoned --- eyes glazed over, mind not quite there.

And then, when I got back to my area, I was still so sleepy that I walked right into one of those boxes for paper shredding and I hurt my arm.

2007-01-16T09:51:00.001-07:00

The big news today is obviously Barack Obama's presidential bid...even if I'm not American. I mean, you have to admit that with Hilary Clinton expected to throw her hat into the ring that it's going to be one really interesting race...and it's pretty obvious that a Republican has a snowball's chance in hell of winning the presidency in the next election. (Yeah. I don't know what's up with me and the use cliches today.)

Yeah, that's the big news...though I guess most people would be more interested in the Golden Globes and who wore what and who showed up with whom.

Here's something small that got buried in the transit paper yesterday about Leonardo Di Caprio...which kind of led me to think, "You disgust me." I mean, here's an actor who makes millions of dollars and who, in general, seems contemputuous of the Hollywood scene and who has done a really great thing by supporting causes like the environment, and yet...he takes the swag offered at the Golden Globes.

Um, it's not like you can't afford to buy it yourself! He just comes off looking cheap and greedy.

He needs to take a page out of Edward Norton's book and just say no and force this kind of crap to be banned.

Here's the article:

Leonardo Di Caprio Gets Free Stuff, Doesn't Give Back
15-Jan-2007
Written by: Jeannine Coppola

Actor enters gift suite, but refuses to follow its rules.

E! Online and TMZ.com report that at a Golden Globes gift suite on Thursday, actor Leonardo Di Caprio and his model Israeli girlfriend, Bar Refaeli brought back a ton of free items, but refused to let vendors take a picture of them.

The event was held at the Friars Club in Beverly Hills, where over 40 vendors offered free items including jewelry, handbags, shoes and barbecues to celebrities. In return, the stars are traditionally supposssed to take pictures with the vendors so they can then use these photos to market their products, making it a win-win situation for all. However, Di Caprio did not feel like following these rules.

Di Caprio apparently got a free lease on a Ford Escape Hybrid and made sure his girlfriend got one, too. He also picked up a Vidalia grill, a Spaulding Custom NBA backboard, a gift certificate to the Ikon Art Studio, a Barbar hair dryer and a Scene It? DVD game, while Refaeli walked away with an orange minidress from Heidi Merrick, Bodyography cosmetics, Mizrahi shoes, and a Bella Bear.

Although Leo's publicist claims his client, the Golden Globe nominee for both "The Departed" and "Blood Diamond", was there to support Global Green, one of the organizations the GBK Productions suite will be making donations to along with Padres Contra El Cáncer, Hollywood Habitat for Humanity, Educating Young Minds and AmberWatch Foundation, DiCaprio told all vendors that no one was allowed to take his picture. HIs representive went on to say that people offered Leo the free stuff and Global Green agreed that his picture would not be taken.

Most of the vendors did not seem to have a problem with DiCaprio not adhereing to the suite's rules except for designer-to-be, Glenn Laiken, who owns Alandales mens clothing store. He apparently told Leo, ""I would love to make a custom shirt for you, but I understand you don't want any photos taken." To which the actor replied, "We have many other people here to see. I may be back", but he never returned. Di Caprio may have made out like a bandit, but he was seen signing dozens of autographs, which have a high market value.

2007-01-16T07:07:00.001-07:00

I really don't understand how someone can smell so bad and not even know it.

There was this guy who sat down behind me on the train and it was like...if I took a steel wool brush and scoured him down and peeled off five layers of skin, he'd still stink. It was like that deep fried oil stench, you know?

What the hell are you doing eating deep fried stuff every day, man???? Don't you know it's not good for you?!

The thing is, I started feeling like the stench molecules were leaping off his clothes and his body and attaching themselves to me. But did I get up and move? No. I just sat there, feeling like my skin was crawling and that I now probably smelled exactly like him.

*sigh*

So, here's a question:

If you needed to talk to a co-worker and went over to their desk to find them on the phone, would you stick around and hover and wait for them to get off or would you leave and come back after they were done their phone call?

Okay, if you opted for the first scenario, you're just weird.

No...not so much weird as SOCIALLY AWKWARD.

There's this girl at work who does that.

She annoys me.

I hate how she's such a low-talker that you practically have to press your ear right up against her mouth to hear what she's saying. And then there's the way she walks --- she's a tall, gangly thing and she hunches over like the friggin' Hunchback of Notre Dame. And then there's the no-eye contact thing! She's always got her head down and her eyes averted.

I just find it so annoying because when I was a kid, I used to be shy and then, even after I grew out of it, I still got labelled as "shy" --- that was my label.

I mean, please --- don't confuse "I don't care much about talking to you" with "I'm shy and quiet."

*sigh*

Yeah.

I'm in a crabby mood today.

2007-01-15T13:21:00.001-07:00

Awhile back, I got this email about a password reset request for this blog...which kind of made me go, "Huh?" It made me wonder if someone had actually tried to figure out how to gain access to my blog...which makes no sense. I mean, it's not like email, where there's some private stuff.

Not sure why, but I found myself thinking about it again this morning.

I started the publishing course on Saturday.

As soon as the words "group project" was mentioned, I just sort of felt like holding up both hands and going, "I'm done."

I don't know what it is about group work that's always made me feel dread. I mean, I don't get it because I'm okay with it at work. Maybe it's because nothing really changes --- you're with the same core group of people day in and day out. But with school? It's different.

I've also been thinking a lot about my years in high school and university, how I always wanted them to be over with --- or like Dwayne said in "Little Miss Sunshine", I just wanted to sleep through it and wake up once it was over with.

(Watched it over the weekend and I think it's one of those movies that you either love or that you hate. I thought it was cute.)

I actually like where I am now.

I just forget that I chose to do this certificate, you know? And the last course I did, there was no group work. But this?

Crap. I'm so sleepy today. I don't know how long I've been staring at the same sentence...and who knows if my eyes were even really open?

Where was I?

Oh, right.

The thing I don't like about group projects --- when you don't know anybody in the class --- is that nagging sense of not wanting to be the odd person out that nobody wants in their group.

God. I'm two years away from 30 and I'm actually worried about something like this?

It's kind of stupid, isn't it?

A part of me is wondering why I'm doing this...right...the need to explore different avenues in the hope of finding a career that DOESN'T make me want to slit my wrists.

I don't know...it's like, somewhere along the way, you kind of convince yourself that you're just enduring something and that you're blandly accepting the way things are and that life isn't meant to be all sunshine all the time.

Ugh.

I'm at work right now and I think I'm suffering from pre-PMS or something.

Yeah. That's right. Pre-PMS.

Why-oh-why does that little old woman across from me have to drink from a friggin' squeeze bottle? Why doesn't she unscrew the cap and drink from the opening rather than sucking and slurping noisily?

Today --- especially today --- I feel like I shouldn't be held liable if I wind up boxing someone in the face.

2007-01-12T06:50:00.001-07:00

I'm finding this whole new year's resolution to be less negative to be one uphill battle, man. Positive thinking --- who knew it'd be so hard?

I was sitting on the subway when a woman began snorting like she was trying to hock up some phlegm (though, where she intended to get rid of it, I had no idea...I mean...she wouldn't swallow it back down again, right? Or would she? I don't know...people are nasty) and I tried to wipe the pained expression off my face as I thought over and over again, "Happy place. Go to your happy place."

Who knew the happy place isn't really anywhere except me thinking "happy place" as if they were the magic words?

It's only day 12 of 2007. A friend of mine remarked yesterday that this positive thinking thing doesn't translate into instant gratification. That's why it's hard-going.

The other day, as I was talking about the whole "I need to change" thing with another friend, I paused mid-way through and said, "I sound like I'm on crack, don't I?"

Someone just walked past --- the woman I only know as "The Perpetually Drunk One"...and even then, it's only known by me, 'cause the smart person knows you don't go trash talking someone you don't know behind their back if you know what's good for you --- and she was saying, "We're a team! We're a team! There's no "I" in team."

I almost piped up and said, "Yes, but there's a "me" if you jumble up the words." (That was from "House"...and yes, I fully realize that I'm one of those people who annoys the Best Friend, with the constant regurgitation of quotes from TV shows and movies.)

So, I've enrolled into a course in the interests of pursuing a new career, eventually. At the registrar's office the other day, during my lunch hour, I felt a wave of irritation as I waited in line.

Between thinking, "Happy place, go to your happy place" I found myself thinking about how it must be a job requirement to be either a sour-faced, miserable old white woman who remains stone-faced even when flashed my most charming smile OR you have to be an insufferable young thing who thinks she's too good for the job she's performing. (Which just made me want to rear my hand back and box her squarely in the face before telling her, "You stupid cow. Welcome to the real world. We ALL hate our jobs. Grow up.")

I almost wanted to shove my form back at them and say, "Fuck it. I don't need this. I'll just learn to deal with being unhappy in my job."

The day I graduated from university was one of the best in my life. Why? Because at that moment, I thought, "YES!!! No more homework! No more essays! No more mid-terms! I say, 'No MORE!'"

What the hell am I doing?

I'm listening to my Keane CD and the track "Crystal Ball" right now. There's this part that goes, "Oh crystal ball, crystal ball. Save us all. Tell me life is beautiful."

Yeah. That's what I want, too.

2007-01-09T06:44:00.001-07:00

A guy on my team got fired last night.

He's an older guy and I guess the team lead --- who's a jack ass, by the way --- thought there were some concerns because he seemed to need more training than the rest of us.

Um, yeah...about that...NONE OF US WERE PROPERLY TRAINED. That joke you call a training department? It's like the blind leading the blind. The fact that the company brought in outside people to be our team leads is ANOTHER EXAMPLE of the blind leading the blind.

And what the hell is the point of a union if nobody's going to step up and speak up for us? As far as I'm concerned, all the union does for us is take money out of our pay every pay period. I don't even know who the hell is our union rep.

And why on a Monday?

If you're going to fire someone, have the decency to do it on a Friday so that they have time to collect their stuff and leave and have two days of not having to face everybody...but not on a bloody Monday when they know that tomorrow, everybody's gonna come in, see your stuff still on your desk and know without a doubt that you've been canned.

What is it? A scare tactic to overwork us even more?

I can't believe this.

Yeah, I guess shit happens, and it's just the way of the world, but if it was me who ran this joint (though, technically, it's the government that runs this joint...so it's not like I'd ever really be able to have the opportunity to run this place), I wouldn't have done it this way. I mean, the CEO wastes paper by sending each one of us a thank you note at Christmas. Wasted paper and money!

Send an e-mail --- it's more environmentally friendly.

*sigh*

I'm just so disgusted right now.

ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE...got a really nice note from Judy Mosher, who helped write a 2004 documentary about Treacher Collins, who agreed with me that TLC does a really bad job of naming its documentaries featuring people with rare illnesses and disorders.

Even though it was only yesterday that I wrote it...was it yesterday? I can't remember...which is funny since everyone jokes that I'm the longest memoried person they know...but anyway, I'm not really sure what kind of title I'd come up with in place of the ones used.

I guess I'd focus more on the positive aspects of the person's character. Like for Rose Siggins, I would have said something her strength of character...but not friggin' "The Woman With Half A Body", for God's sake. I mean, I didn't even tune into the program because I noted it on TV guide and thought, "Cool. I'll watch that."

I channel surfed my way to TLC --- same as with the other documentary about the Wetmore family.

2007-01-08T13:41:00.001-07:00

So, the thing is, I had these two zits that I thought I could shrink at the very least, using my sister's prescription topical cream.

And while I was dabbing it on, I thought, "Huh. While I'm at it, I might as well put a thin film over the rest of my face."

Um, yeah.

I looked like I'd had a really bad chemical peel done and even today, it still looks pretty rough. If I could, I would have combed my hair in front of my face and walked around looking like Cousin It from the Addam's Family. Or maybe I should have just worn a really broad-rimmed hat with a veil, just like Samantha did in that episode of Sex and the City where she did that chemical peel.

"I wanted to look super fresh," she tells Carrie.

I caked on the make-up today but what's gross is that I can see bits of skin peeling.

I know. Ew. Ew. Ew. You're gagging right now, just picturing it, aren't you?

For the love of God, why did I feel compelled to write about this?

Lesson of the day is this: if you have a zit, let it be. It'll go away on its own eventually. Otherwise, you wind up doing something stupid like making your face look like you've suffered third degree burns. Okay. I exaggerate. Second degree, maybe.

Enough to make small children scream.

2007-01-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

Don't know what it is with TLC and the way they name their programs. Like, last night, when they aired, "The Woman With Half A Body", featuring Rose Siggins, who was born with Sacral Agenesis, a rare disorder that caused her to be born with severely deformed legs that had no feeling in them and feet that pointed in opposite directions. With her life in danger, her mother made the informed medical decision to have both legs amputated.

Okay. Yes. I suppose the name of the program was apt, but...couldn't they have found something that sounded a little less freak-show-like?

It was like when I watched that other show a few weeks ago...I think it was called something like, "Born Without A Face" and talked about Juliann Wetmore, the child born with Treacher Collins.

Anyway, I was flipping from that to "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" during commercials and I kept thinking that if any family deserved to be on that show it was the Siggins family, 'cause what that woman does is amazing.

After her mother died, she moved her husband and son back to her childhood home so she could take care of her father, who has Alzheimer's, and her mentally disabled brother. And through it all, she's got this positive attitude that just makes you pause for a moment and think, "Wow."

Here's a blurb I found floating on the Internet:

Born with a rare genetic disorder known as Sacral Agenesis, Rose had severely deformed legs with feet pointing in opposite directions. There was no feeling in the legs and, as a child, she was in danger of harming herself. When she was two years old her mother, after consulting with the doctors at the hospital, decided that the best course of action was to have the legs amputated. This insightful decision by her mother allowed Rose to lead a fairly normal childhood.

Rose grew up, with her mentally handicapped brother, in Peublo, Colorado. Rose believes her parents made the right choice as she cannot imagine being confined to a wheelchair. She describes her physical condition in her own way "If you take a Barbie doll and remove it's legs, the region you are left with is what I have. I have all the female working organs, the only reason I sit shorter or more compact, as people say, is because I'm missing four sections of my spinal column".

Rose's great passion in life is cars. All things automotive, cars, trucks and V-8 engines have been a big part of her life since she started playing with her father's toolbox at the age of 3. When she was sixteen, her parents bought her a car. A used car which Rose and her father adapted with hand controls so that Rose was able to drive herself around. She is rebuilding a 1968 Mustang which she plans to race.

For years, the administrators at the local school forced Rose to wear artificial legs, they wanted her to look like everybody else. When she was in eighth grade she rebelled and refused to wear her prosthetic limbs, turning up for school on her skateboard. She wanted to be normal, and her normal is Rose who walks on her hands and has no legs. After meeting with her parents who were being very supportive, and realising that Rose was very stubborn, the school relented and allowed her to return, without her prosthetics.

In 1997 Rose met Dave Siggins who worked in an auto-parts store, they flirted over the phone and their relationship quickly blossomed, but it was going to put Rose's life in danger. When they decided to get married, Dave joked with her that she didn't have to worry about getting cold feet. Rose and Dave were married in 1999, it was her dream come true. It was a traditional white wedding and Dave, still joking, pointed out that the cake was bigger than she was. Rose and Dave lead a normal sex life, the only comment Dave has made are that the legs don't get in the way.

Two years into their relationship, Rose discovered that she was pregnant. Rose's pregnancy was extraordinary and ground-breaking, no-one with Sacral Agenesis had ever given birth. The only doctor who didn't advise Rose to have an abortion was Dr. Wilson who says "This couple have committed themselves to a pregnancy and she is, basically, laying her life on the line because nobody knows what this means, no-one has lived this experience before. With the first counselling with Rose and David I was very specific and told them that they have to know that if they move forward with this that she could die." The main concerns were with her lungs being compressed, as the baby was likely to grow up the way because of her short stature. The other concern was how she would tolerate a caesarean delivery, because the baby was lying transversely she would have to be opened across the top, a true 19th century caesarean delivery. Rose told her mum that if there were any complications and there was a choice between her life and the baby's, she should choose the baby.

Having given birth to a miracle baby, Rose was about to experience a terrible tragedy. Luke had just celebrated his second birthday when Rose's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She held the family together, provided an emotional pillar, and organised the vital day-to-day running of the house. Her death had a disastrous effect on everyone around her. Rose's father had already had the onset of Alzheimer's and dementia so he, like her brother, didn't understand what was happening. It became apparent that Rose was next in line to run the family and do everything her mother had done. As well as looking after her son and husband, Rose now cares for her dad and brother. Rose's dad, James, has smoked all his life and now has to rely on a constant supply of oxygen. He is also suffering from schizophrenia and the onset of Alzheimer's.

Her brother, James, is 29 years old but has the mental age of an 8 year old. He's on psychotropic medication, needs regular supervision, and has occasional violent outbursts. Despite his mental health problems, Jimmy is holding down a cleaning job in the local taxi office. While everything is going well at work, Jimmy's erratic behaviour at home is about to get him into trouble. Unbeknown to Rose, her dad had allowed Jimmy to take his Cadillac to work, Jimmy doesn't drive so the inevitable had to happen, so now Rose has to fix the Cadillac.

Rose has great moral strength and a remarkable attitude she says "A lot of people with disabilities feel that life owes them something, and I was raised in a way that no, no-one owes you a dime. The world doesn't owe you anything, this is what you have and you use your resources and you get through life. My personal opinion is, get up and go for it, just do it."

Rose's story as a woman who has overcome bewildering obstacles and succeeded despite seemingly impossible odds is a real life example of the American dream. However, away from the limelight and behind a determined self-assurance there's another side to Rose. With the usual day-to-day problems and the added stress of Jimmy's erratic behaviour Rose is feeling the strain.

She takes refuge in the garage where she can oversee the installation of a new V-8 engine in her Mustang. At last after weeks of hard work Rose feels the Mustang is ready to hit the race track, which will be another life-long ambition achieved.

Note: The condition Sacral Agenesis may sound like or be incorrectly spelt as sacrillo genesis or sacralla genesis.

CREDITS: All of the above information came from the UK television's Channel 5 series entitled "Extraordinary People"

2007-01-05T07:32:00.001-07:00

I think it was just a few days ago that I read this little blurb about how 44-year-old Demi Moore would like to have kids with her twenty-something hubby, Ashton Kutcher.

Okay. Fine.

The other day, there was this discussion about China's revamped rules for adopting. So, now, if you're fat, too old, single or gay, then you're deemed unfit to become a parent.

Bill Carroll on CFRB contended that maybe China has it right --- as unfair as it might seem.

At first, I was irritated because I'd always thought of Plan B as adopting and becoming a single parent. Okay, so that's a no-go. Does that mean I'd make a bad parent? I don't know. I mean, to a certain extent, everybody who wants to have kids thinks they'll make a good parent...but isn't it all a crap shoot?

Watching that PBS special on Annie Leibovitz the other day and learning that she had her first kid at 52 and later, twins through a surrogate, I kind of had to wonder...just because you have the money and the desire to become a parent, does it make it right? Is it the responsible thing to do?

You know my thoughts on adoption --- with all the children out there in the world living in orphanages right now, I think that any person who claims to desperately want kids and to become a parent should consider adoption first. Otherwise, maybe you don't really want kids as badly as you thought. I mean, shouldn't a parent's love be a selfless one? Instead of going through IVF and whatnot, why not consider adoption?

If you believe in God, then maybe you might want to consider that there's a child out there, waiting in an orphanage or a foster home for you to come along and become his or her family. Maybe that's God's plan for you. Maybe He thinks you have a big enough heart to love a child regardless of whether they share the same blood as you.

That's just how I feel about it and I'm deeply unapologetic about MY thoughts about this.

Anyways...in other stuff...

My sister was late coming home last night because her boyfriend's friend was in a car accident.

The friend called the boyfriend.

I was like, "Huh? What?"

If you're in your early twenties and still living at home, why wouldn't you call your parents?

I remarked, "He's probably not close to his parents if he doesn't think to call them first."

My sister thought I was talking stupid. But am I? If you're barely out of your teens and you still live at home, I'd think the first call would be to your parents...if you're close to them.

You know, I've gotta say that a lot of my sister's friends' parents are from Hong Kong and the way they've raised their kids, I just have to shake my head half the time and ask, "What's going on here? Where are your parents? Why don't your parents care where you are? Do your parents even care at all?"

Granted, not all parents from Hong Kong are like that, but the ones who think nothing of spoiling their kids and whose children grow up to be spoiled and materialistic, don't really seem to be around to actually parent their children...and if you're not going to be around for your kids, then why bother having them to begin with?

This Made Me Laugh...

2007-01-04T09:47:00.001-07:00

...on CFRB, they were talking about this couple who saw a taxi driver urinating in public and they felt it was their responsibility to tell the guy off, who was so pissed off, he decided to ram his taxi into their car.

So, they had this big discussion about how gross it is to urinate in public...and this one guy calls in and said that the water bill was so high from each time you flush the toilet, that he decided to pee outside in his backyard and he's thankful for his lower water bill.

The host paused and then said, "That's gotta be the cheapest thing I've ever heard."

And get this! There was this other woman, a self-proclaimed nudist, who says she putters around in her backyard in the nude and that if she feels the need to pee, she just squats down behind a bush and does her business right there!

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE????!!!!!!!

Beauty and the Geek

2007-01-04T07:14:00.001-07:00

First off, I don't like Ashton Kutcher --- I find he plays up the idiotic buffoon role that he's usually pidgeon-holed into and his ventures like "Punk'd" are a stupid waste of time. And when "Beauty and the Geek" first came out and I knew Ashton Kutcher was attached to it, I knew that was one show I wasn't going to waste my time and brain cells on.

Channel surfing last night, I caught a bit of the latest season, which premiered yesterday. And while there's probably loads of blogs out there devoted to bashing the show in and making fun of the participants, here's what my real beef is:

Why the hell do they feel the need to put in little description underneath the names, as if that really defines the person? For the so-called "beauties", you get their occupation. But then, for the geeks, you've got stupid descriptions like, "Owns over 25,000 comic books". But what REALLY incensed me was how one guy had, "Virgin" underneath his name.

So...what? That makes you a geek? That's something we're supposed to point at and laugh over? Because, c'mon, let's face facts: we're supposed to watch this show and see these "geeks" as pathetic losers who are somehow "less than" the rest of us; like their social ineptness makes them lesser people or something.

That just PISSED. ME. OFF.

This is what we're going to waste our time watching? Really?

If you could see me now, you'd see the same look of disbelief that Anderson Cooper had on his face when he was viewing the clips of Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump verbally bashing each other.

2007-01-03T11:22:00.001-07:00

Dear Me,

Since this is the first (well, really the second, if you want to count the test) email post and it sort of feels like I'm writing to myself, then I'm going to address it as such.

It's actually kinda cool writing to myself, because before, it was like I was writing to those people who occassionally cyber surf their way onto this blog...which is kinda cool, I guess, but then I get all in my own head about how boring these posts are. I guess part of the problem is that I write too much in general. Maybe the key is cutting down the blogs and just having the one, and in which case, it probably wouldn't be this one that I keep. But then again, with the other blog, I mostly have something or another to bitch about.

You want to know what's weird? When I was in j-school, I was never a news junkie. Picking up a newspaper was a chore. But now? It's like, "What's happening today?" And what's more is this interest in local news. Like those two people who got shot in the face...it's like, holy shit! Is this the way it's going to play out now? People open their doors and they get shot in the face?

While I'm really into talk radio and reading the news and I love writing, I don't think I'd ever want to attempt to get back into journalism. Kudos to those who've made it --- though God knows some of you don't know how to write --- but it's not really for me.

I kind of think, sometimes, that if I could have done it over again, I would have probably gone into something else. Maybe photography. Though...I would have probably wound up in the same place that I'm at now. Or maybe not. The thing is, I'll never know and there's really no sense in pondering the what ifs, is there?

One of my New Year's resolutions was to keep in mind that what's past is past. Let go.

Okay. Time to get on with the business of working.

This Is Just A Test

2007-01-03T06:44:00.001-07:00

Hmmm...emailing your posts sounds relatively idiot-proof.

Then...how come I feel like such an idiot with this?

2007-01-02T06:43:00.000-07:00

It's weird, but when people say, "Happy New Year!", it's like I get this mental block and I can't seem to say the words back right away. It's like I'm fumbling around for the words and instead of repeating what I've just heard, I'll just lamely reply, "Yeah, you, too."

Reading the free transit paper this morning, one of the columnists wrote that the new year isn't just another day, another month; it's a symbolic start and opportunity to change, blah blah blah. (Don't know why I turn my nose up at journos who write for the free transit papers...I mean, they've obviously made it where I failed.)

There's no statutory holiday until...what? March?

Good God.

My horoscope says I'm too pessimistic and that I'm ignoring signs that the universe is realigning itself and that 2007 will be a better year; apparently, my sign's been in a bad position since July 2005.

Yeah. It's kind of a joke that someone as jaded and cynical as me still checks out the horoscopes every day. That, and the advice columnist --- but that's mostly to shake my head over people who are more fucked up than me.

Watched "An Inconvenient Truth" over the holidays --- that was the only must-see film of 2006. It kind of makes you sick, actually, when you realize you're just as guilty, being ambivalent about the climate changes taking place.

This morning, there was this article on the free daily --- right on the front page --- about how December in Toronto has been the warmest one yet but the climatologist they interviewed went, "Oh, no. This isn't climate change." Um, okay. If there's anything that I took away from "An Inconvenient Truth" it's that one thing affects another and in the end, it all has to do with global warming.

Okay. That's probably generalizing and oversimplifying, but you get the gist. You just start feeling like, "I'm not going to be just another one of those dumbasses who don't even read these articles and who think, 'Global warming doesn't matter.'"

Sometimes, I think we think too much about other stuff and blow them out of proportion so it consumes us and it becomes who we are...maybe it's time to let go of some of that stuff.

This year's gonna be different.

And yes. That was the Jaded & Cynical One being optimistic for a change.

Go buy a lotto ticket. Today might be your lucky day.

2006-12-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

Last night, Tuesdays With Morrie was on.

It was one of those books that Oprah featured on her show and which she claimed was "life changing." But as inspiring as it was the first time I flipped through the book, I identified with what Hank Azaria (playing Mitch) said to Morrie (played by Jack Lemmon in his final role) about how he worried he was one of those people who wouldn't fully learn what Morrie was trying to teach him.

It's one thing to hear something that you know in your heart is true, but it's another thing to actually put it into action and to live life to the fullest extent.

I dug out my copy of the book after I finished watching the movie and found this:

"As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed as ignorant as you were at twenty-two, you'd always be twenty-two. Aging is not just decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it," Morrie told Mitch.

In the movie, watching Morrie's condition worsen, I found myself thinking back to that week before gran died --- how she was so weak and couldn't even recognize us anymore. I started crying, even though I tried to hide it --- God, I hated myself so much for it. It was so embarrassing...but there was something about how far she'd come from being the independent woman she used to be.

A few days ago, I was out with my family for Christmas and at the table next to us was a little old man, out with his own family. There was something about the way his hand shook when he tried to feed himself and the way his head sort of listed to the side that reminded me of gran.

I told a friend two days ago that seeing anybody who's old reminds me of what it was like to visit gran at the nursing home...all those people...some who never seemed to have anybody visiting them. At meal times, when I'd go and visit to help feed gran, there'd be other people at her table, who'd sit there in their wheelchairs, waiting to be fed as the personal care workers scrambled to feed anybody who didn't have relatives there, helping them out.

So...yeah, Jack Lemmon's performance reminded me of all that.

But I guess what really haunted me was how he looked as he lay in bed, staring out the window, silently crying...because I've had those moments, too.

It's another half day at work today.

Time's just dragging.

The weird thing is, I don't know what else I'd rather be doing or where I'd rather be.

You know...it's not so much about hating the holidays as being resentful of how everybody seems to think you have to be happy.

2006-12-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

Okay.

I lied.

This is a post done in the evening.

Not during the morning.

I don't know. Sometimes, I wonder why I have so much to write about...especially since I've started cutting out writing about the people in my life --- 'cause let me tell ya, when someone finds your blog and realizes you're writing about them, it ain't pretty.

I was just so fucking sleepy this morning.

I didn't have the greatest night last night, either. I wasn't feeling so great and I was shaking as I frantically turned my bag inside out, trying to find my pills. That's why I kind of get what House was going through in that last episode.

Life can be really crap when you deal with chronic pain.

But, anyway...last night, there was nothing to watch and I needed a break from re-reading "Pride and Prejudice." I'd begun to look at my library the other day and started to feel like I'd sunk a whole lot of money into building up that library...and for what? I don't often re-read my books. And at last count, I actually have three copies of "Othello". Why? Yes, it's my favourite play by the Bard, but I don't exactly need three copies.

And I can't take all of these books with me when I die. I can't take any of the stuff I own with me when I die.

I always tell myself this whenever I want to try and curb my spending habits. And yet, today, I bought more clothes.

New Year's resolution #37: spend less.

A couple of friends mentioned they didn't like the fact that I keep talking about how I'm going to change a lot of things about myself as of January 1, 2007. They don't think there's anything that needs to be changed; I just think they're afraid the sarcastic, bitchy person who says the first thing that crosses her mind is going to disappear.

Um, yeah. That's not happening.

So, anyway, it's been awhile since I last read "Pride and Prejudice." Yes, it's Austen's most popular work, but I actually love it the best. But...last night, I put the book aside and tuned into TLC, where they had this feature on this three-year-old girl named Juliana Wetmore, who has Treacher Collins Syndrome. The show was called, "Building A New Face".

Whoa.

That's all I can say. I mean, you feel sorry for the child and you can't help but admire the parents for being so strong and loving, but you also wonder if you'd have that kind of strength if your own child was born with this disease.

I was reading about it online...the chances of being born with this syndrome is about 1 in 10,000; it's a lottery you don't want to win. The emphasis on most of the sites was about how people born with this syndrome may look physically very different from so-called "normal" folk, but that they're just like you and me.

Anyways...

Something else that I'd recently watched was "Mad Hot Ballroom", which I absolutely loved --- especially that one kid, Wilson? Oh my God. Could he be any cuter?

I just loved the whole message of the documentary and seeing those kids work so hard, learning how to dance.

It was a great doc.

2006-12-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

The other day, I did a post in my other journal about The Ethicist and how this person wrote in about a co-worker who faked having cancer and whose work was redistributed to other co-workers, but who was never punished by management.

I told my mother I was all about public shaming.

She thought I was mean --- as if this was something I was going to actually do when I got into work and that this was something that had unfolded while I was at work.

You know, I don't really get why she always seems to think that the things I say I'd do if I was in such a situation are things I'm about to do at any second unless she talks some sense into me.

That's how my mom and I are different, though...she's all about turning the other cheek, being the better person, etc....and maybe that makes her a better person than me. She's certainly more forgiving. Me? Fuggedaboudit.

I once read that the truly wise person will forgive but never forget.

Guess I'm not so wise...though, I'm working on it, you know? After all, the opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference.

I love that week at work when most people bridge the time off from Christmas to New Year's --- most people are at home, doing nothing, while I'm at work...not exactly doing nothing, but a whole lot less than I would be if everybody and everything was swinging at full gear.

When I tell people I'm working through the holidays, they make that face that goes, "Oh, poor you", which I don't get, because over the last couple of years, being home during the holidays gets kind of boring. I kinda think that the holidays were meant for kids. And Christmas in Toronto just isn't what it used to be.

For one thing, there's no snow this year.

There was no tree up, no wrapped presents. And it was fine.

Met up with a friend yesterday who had moved back into town. You know what I think marks a good friendship? When you can pick up from where you left off and it's like nothing's changed.

Umbrellas

2006-12-26T18:08:00.001-07:00

Umbrellas
Originally uploaded by Anonymous Writer.

I just liked the colours on this. I usually hate using the Samsung Digimax (I got it free), but this turned out okay.

Man, I Hate This

2006-12-26T18:07:00.001-07:00

Man, I Hate This
Originally uploaded by Anonymous Writer.

Yes, she's not smiling here and yes, the picture is blurry, but I love it anyways because she still looks adorable. Sure, getting a picture of a child smiling is great...but a kid isn't always going to be smiling and I love capturing all kinds of emotions as they play out across a baby's face. I love how she has this, "Ugh, I'd really rather be somewhere else" look on her face.

2006-12-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

Sunlight --- it's a rare thing in December.

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2006-12-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

There's a family thing later tonight.

Yay.

That was sarcasm in case you couldn't tell.

On Post Secret, there were two cards that resonated with what I was feeling:

and

I know.

The last one's a little overly optimistic for me...and I really mean next year and not so much this one...though, truth be told, this year wasn't a particularly crappy one. I seriously think it's just the whole end-of-the-year stuff that makes me feel like sleeping through the whole holiday season just to avoid the crowds, the faux merry-making, the pretense of coming together as one big extended family, the purchasing of gifts, etc., etc.

I've been doing pretty much...nothing so far.

I've been doing a bit of reading (mostly in the vein of In Style, Vanity Fair, People and Martha Stewart Living) and a lot of movie-watching.

Caught "The Lake House" yesterday and "The Sound of Music."

I don't really care about what the critics had to say about the Lake House or about Keanu Reeves and how he can't act. I still liked it...sometimes, you're in the mood for a romance and as far as romances go, I really liked this one. Sure, Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves spend most of the movie apart, but I liked the story. It wasn't overly sappy.

Every time I see "Singapore" pop up on the Site Meter stats, a part of me grimaces and wonders if it's the same guy who started reading my other blogs and then joined Flickr --- not to post pictures of his own, but to leave a comment on some of my pictures --- and who then got all offended when I didn't really feel like striking up a pen pal-type relationship with him.

2006-12-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

Wrapped up my Christmas shopping yesterday at the Eaton Centre, which just brought back memories of being a kid, when we'd make the trek downtown for my mom's office Christmas party and then stop off at the Eaton Centre and past the window displays at the Bay.

I always hated it.

I didn't like crowds --- that was the main thing. A part of me would be scared I'd get lost in the heavy throng of people. But I guess that's one thing you get used to when you're working downtown...or maybe not.

It was sort of like watching a swarm of ants --- bodies moving everywhere, in constant motion.

A couple of years ago, around Christmas-time, they did this radio program where they rolled out the stats of how many times an item will be picked up, tried on, or handled by other people before it lands in your posession and the cashier swipes your credit card.

I think it was like, 11 people will try on the same sweater that you finally wind up buying.

That's why I'll always toss something into the wash before wearing it.

But I'm kind of a germaphobe that way.

Anyways, I have no plans of setting foot in a mall for the rest of the weekend.

I finally got around to watching the last four remaining episodes of Fox's Vanished.

I'm probably one of only 3.5 million people who tuned into this show --- and apparently, 3.5 million isn't a heck of a lot.

Maybe they were only counting the U.S.

In any event, when they cancelled the show, they opted to burn off the rest of the episodes online on the MySpace page for the show --- but only for US viewers, which was really very annoying because in Canada, the show aired on Global TV and you need to only take a cursory glance at the web site to know what a shitty site it is.

One thing's for sure about Global --- you're never going to find a link to the unaired episodes of a show that you've already invested 9 hours into.

Thank God for Bit Torrent!

And for people who never got a chance to check out this show, I really think they were missing out, because it was fascinating. You needed to watch right from the beginning and have a good memory to pick up on all the little clues to start piecing together everything.

One of the stupid things about this show, though, is how the main character, played by Queer As Folk alum, Gale Harold, was killed off on the eighth episode and Eddie Cibrian's character was brought in to continue the investigation in the kidnapping of a senator's wife.

At that point, I kind of thought I wouldn't really want to continue watching, but the thing about this show is that it's not so much about the characters as it is the storyline that keeps the show interesting.

You know how on Lost, it's all about the characters? 'Cause, really, nothing's moving the story forward. We're just caught in the minutiae of flashbacks and what was once fresh and interesting and captivating is now just tedious --- partly because networks inexplicably think it's okay to break for a couple of weeks and parachute something else in.

I'm not a sports fan so it annoys me when they show the World Series for whatever sport is wrapping up for the season --- I mean, why the hell do we have TSN? If you're such a diehard sports fan, wouldn't you subscribe to the package that would offer that channel?

That's just my thinking.

And you know, I don't see the point in yanking a show after you've already aired nine and opt to repeat other shows or bring in something new, like the case with ABC and the Taye Diggs vehicle, Day Break, which --- surprise, surprise --- got cancelled.

Why not just continue to air Lost and learn from last season's mistake and viewers' complaints that too frequent lulls in new episodes does nothing to retain a fan base.

I mean, isn't a strong viewership in a show important? That's what networks want, right? Don't they realize by now that it doesn't take much for a show's audience to nose dive as they get impatient with the constant fiddling of the TV schedule?

It's all just so stupid.

2006-12-22T06:24:00.000-07:00

I have this awful crick in my neck.

I remember waking up a few years ago with a stiff neck --- I could barely move. Turning made me scream in pain.

So, here I am at work.

It's a half day today.

The HR here is so fucked up.

They don't normally do half days --- managers will encourage you to make up that time because apparently, it makes life difficult for HR to adjust our pay in that case. Either take a whole day off, or make up the time.

I don't know how this is really my problem if it causes a headache for HR.

But whatever.

They're giving us a half day next Friday, too.

I always feel like the week before Christmas drags on and on. And it's not really like I'm riddled with excitement and anticipation. The only day I look forward to is January 1. Wipe the slate clean, get a new year to do better.

I'm listening to the second part of "Rice Bowl Tales" --- they're featuring Thailand in this installment. The first one was about China, of course, since it's the largest consumer of rice.

I love ABC National and its programs. It almost makes me wish I lived in Australia...there's probably more sunlight and less of a chance to develop S.A.D.

I'd rather listen to ABC rather than CBC. I know. How "un-Canadian" of me.

I realized I forgot to get KAR something for Christmas. She's really into the holidays and goes for the elaborate gifts, whereas I don't even see the point in buying Christmas cards.

One of the older guys from work gave me one yesterday. A part of me was glad I was on the phone at the time, because I would have felt obligated to engage in chit chat and yesterday, I was already starting to feel the first twinges of pain.

Fuck --- it's extending all the way to my back now. And unlike House I'm not going to start popping my small supply of painkillers like candy. Did you see the way he was going through them?

Hugh Laurie was on Ellen the other day. Well, it was probably a repeat or something, since everything's on repeat these days. CITY TV used to have Ellen on late in the afternoon right before six, but when that Rachael Ray show started, they replaced Ellen for a bit before bringing her back.

Thank God.

Okay. I admit it. I used to watch Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals. Presentation-wise, the food looked pretty unappetizing, but just from the ingredients, you could tell it probably tasted okay.

Man, was I ever surprised Rachael Ray managed to beat out Giada De Laurentiis in the Iron Chef challenge. I kind of wondered how she felt about having to be paired up with Mario Bitalli, though. I remember reading somewhere that he and Anthony Bourdain were totally ragging on her 'cause she's not a "real" chef --- plus, that chipper, cheerful, loudmouth thing's gotta grate on your nerves after awhile, huh?

Okay --- yes. I'm a nerd. I love Food Network.

I'd probably do miserably as a chef because I don't take to being yelled at. God, can you imagine having someone like Gordon Ramsey screaming at you? I'd be on the six o'clock news for sure, looking disshevelled in my mug shots.

Got an email from someone yesterday who'd read my other journal. It was kind of nice, but I think a lot of people who read my other journal tend to think I'm manic depressive. Maybe I am. Who knows?

You know what I've come to notice, though? It's how, when you read about how bad someone else is feeling and you can kind of identify with it and feel that way, too, you still feel the need to tell them, "It's gonna be okay."

Well...maybe that's just me.

Anyway...I've gotta wrap this up and get to work.

'Til tomorrow morning, then...

2006-12-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

I like chocolate chip cookies that don't have all that many chocolate chips in them. That happens sometimes when you're baking --- all chocolate chip cookies are not made equally.

Okay, so I guess that makes me weird or something.

Thought I'd start blogging here in the mornings instead of after I get home from work, when I'll feel obligated to update all the blogs but not cross-post. I wonder if people who read all the blogs think I'm slightly schizophrenic...though, I know enough that people who have schizophrenia don't literally have a split personality. There's this pharmaceutical company that has come up with a virtual reality machine that you can strap onto your head that will simulate what a typical trek out to the pharmacy is like for someone who has schizophrenia --- it's more like you hear voices in your head and start seeing things that aren't there.

Y'know, sometimes when I tell people that I used to work as a research assistant at this outpatient program, I get the usual jokes.

"Ha ha. Did you really work there or were you a patient there?"

God, it just makes me want to punch them in the face.

It's like, "Oh, aren't I being so clever?"

Most people aren't funny. And when they try to be, it's painful. Most people feel obligated to force out a fake laugh. I guess it's better than looking at them like you feel sorry for them and saying, "You're pathetic."

The other day I was at a meeting and I sort of blanked out, thinking about other stuff. It's weird, the kind of random stuff that'll come into your mind when you're bored and stuck in a meeting. Stuff like how you really should buy so-and-so a Christmas present just in case they get you one, even though you really think they should be saving their money instead of wasting it on junk you don't really need.

You know what I don't get? People who seem to think that the more expensive the gift and the more gifts you get a person is a sign of how much you love them.

I just don't get that.

Anyway, at one point, the top guy looks over at me and is going, "Blah blah blah blah blah" and casts this expectant look in my direction and I decide to nod sagely like I know what he's talking about.

KN looked over at me as I turned my head and I mouthed, "I have no idea what he's talking about."

He probably saw me do it, too.

Ugh...I could care less at this point.

I had to write up my year end review yesterday, which I thought was totally and completely pointless seeing as it's supposed to be a tool used to decide whether someone's eligible for an increase, a bonus or a promotion --- none of which I would be eligible for as a contract person.

I remember sitting next to this guy in the training session and he said something about how he refused to do it. At the time, I kind of looked at him with respect despite the fact that he kept "playfully" swatting me in the arm throughout our group exercise...which just annoyed me because I don't like to be touched...and speaking of inappropriate touching, there's this granny type woman who works with me...Oh my God...why doesn't she ever lift her damned feet off of the fucking floor when she walks? And why-oh-why does she always have to grab hold of my wrist and stroke my hair and rub my back when she talks to me? It's not endearing when I see her picking her teeth and picking up crap off the floor before popping it into her mouth.

But I digress.

Where was I?

Oh, right.

The guy who claimed he wasn't going to do the review.

I bet he did it anyway.

Okay...time to start the work day.

God have mercy on my soul.